Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Oct 27, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I think Grrrrr pretty much sums up how I am feeling at the moment. I am resisting the urges to SI somehow. I am holding out. I am hoping this weekend that my parents go away so I can have a proper go at it. I have plans to on Friday night. However, I just just been informed that the weather forecast is not good on where they are going to. So they may not be going away. It is something that I feel I need to do.

    I am still having the "can I make it an accident" thoughts. Can I get hit by a car, can I fall from the balcony. Infact I have stood on the balcony and thought about jumping. The thing is I don't think it would actually kill me which is why I haven't. Probably just end up leaving me in a sorry state with broken legs and a head injury. So at the moment all I have is SI until I can figure out a way to make it an accident. The SI is what is keeping me going, a way of release, a way of releasing endorphins and actually making me relax. Stupid isn't it? Oh and the fact I plan on taking a few blood thinning drugs to make it bleed a lot.

    I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off it. But I am getting more and more frustrated knowing that I may not be able to do what I need to do. I didn't do anything last week, well only superficial. And I have been free of stitches since the weekend. I was supposed to have them in until today but I took my own out on Sunday.

    I wish I knew what was causing these thoughts, these feelings but I don't have a clue. It's horrible. I hate not knowing, not knowing means there is nothing I can do about it! Well I can do things about it but it's not exactlm harm free and not the best way to go about things!
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Not true. As I said to you last time we spoke, it's incredibly HARD to do things about it but it's not impossible, I assume you're still at university - you talked about a 'nurse' last time, but there should be some kind of counselling service provided by the university as part of their pastoral care - have you looked into that, depression is surprisingly common amongst the student population but again it's the nature of the beast that means we don't know that.
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi golden, sorry you are having a rough time lately. did you call the nurse? i'm sure he'd be happy to have a chat. it's nice to be heard by someone who knows the back story, or at least parts of it, eh? any word from the self harm network? i hope they get in touch with you soon. i'm doing an outpatient program myself right now. today we did goal setting, and i set as one of my goals to stop self-harming. it seems an almost impossible goal to achieve but i want to get there one day. i am tired of hurting so much. i hope you will be able to stop one day, too. but i know you are not ready yet. i understand that. do you know this site? -- the newsletters are really good. i downloaded them all and spent an evening reading them. it's a really non judgemental site. take care,

  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have not spoke to him yet. I have decided I am going to wait until Monday to speak to him. I have emailed that network thing again saying I emailed them my history 3 weeks ago and I have not heard anything back and asking how long it is likely to be before I do hear anything from them.
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Is it possible for you to speak to him sooner, or any other form of counselling - because having been there I know that you're more than likely putting off having to do anything about it, because you don't feel strong enough to talk it over with someone.

    If at all possible please try and speak to him about it tomorrow - the quicker you make the call the quicker you can start feeling better. I know that's scary but it's true. Can I ask which university you're at - if you'd like I will see if their website can help me glean any more info for you...
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know the university offer counselling. I just don't want to be involved with loads of different people. I don't like repeating myself all the time. And being as though I have big issues with trust I don't want to be opening up to more people than I need to. It's easy on here. No one knows me, know ones knows where I live or what I do. I can say what I want without feeling like I am a loser and good for nothing.

    Sometimes I can control the DSH. Like tomorrow I know I have the house to myself so I can make a session of it. Put loud music on and let all those feelings out that I have been bottling up for a while. Other times it is very spontaneous.
  7. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    You need to open up to as many people as you can. There is no upper limit as long as they're people you're comfortable in knowing. To get through this you need to get a support network and the bigger that is - the more opportunities for help, support and healing come your way.

    When I was at Reading Uni I felt exactly the same way as you - my depression was my private business which I didn't want to burden people with - but it was only through opening up that I found any sense of relief and the first steps to peace.
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No, the fewer people know the better. I don't want to be having to open up to loads of different people. I wont talk to too many people about it. If I don't get anywhere with this network thing then I will try the university one. I know I need to get some help. Maybe they can help me figure out what is going on. Even that nurse, who I have only actually seen twice doesn't know everything. There was a guy I used to see there a couple of years ago who was really good but he no longer works in the department.
    I have a psychiatrist appointment at the end of November and I suppose he will refer me on somewhere else or just tell me what I have already been told.
    The nurse seems to think it is cos I have started on a Masters and I am self sabataging things. I think he is talking a load of crap as I am actually enjoying it and feel as though I have some purpose in life. It is getting stupid though. I am planning the self harming like I use to plan the overdoses when I was suicidal 2 years ago. That worries me as how long is it before I am planning on killing myself. How long is it before I fall in to that trap again?
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I tried calling the nurse. I left a messgae.

    When my mum called and said she was coming back and how angry I got as my plans for this evening have been thrawted I have realised I need to do something! He is not in today though. So I doubt I will get a phone call until after the weekend.

    I now feel so angry and so wound up. I realise it's not right.
  10. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Are you able to try to tell your Mum about how you feel?
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    No way. No one in my family has any idea. No one knows about that I SI or that am feeling depressed etc. I manage to hide it by staying in my room and then just saying I am stressed or tired all the time. If they knew it would get turned around on me. I would be made to feel as though it was all my fault and that it's selfish etc etc. They have very little understanding about things like that.

    I am probably still going to SI later. I have to. I have worked up so much in being able to. I will tell my mum that I have gone to a friends house as she is having problems.
  12. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I'd please please ask you to reconsider, it's hard to tell anyone about this kind of things yes, but it's such a relief when you do. I hope that in some point in the future you're able to do so.

    For the moment I'd beg you to please not SI. It's great that you've left a message, but if you SI you may not be in a state to do anything about it.
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