I think Grrrrr pretty much sums up how I am feeling at the moment. I am resisting the urges to SI somehow. I am holding out. I am hoping this weekend that my parents go away so I can have a proper go at it. I have plans to on Friday night. However, I just just been informed that the weather forecast is not good on where they are going to. So they may not be going away. It is something that I feel I need to do. I am still having the "can I make it an accident" thoughts. Can I get hit by a car, can I fall from the balcony. Infact I have stood on the balcony and thought about jumping. The thing is I don't think it would actually kill me which is why I haven't. Probably just end up leaving me in a sorry state with broken legs and a head injury. So at the moment all I have is SI until I can figure out a way to make it an accident. The SI is what is keeping me going, a way of release, a way of releasing endorphins and actually making me relax. Stupid isn't it? Oh and the fact I plan on taking a few blood thinning drugs to make it bleed a lot. I am trying to keep busy to keep my mind off it. But I am getting more and more frustrated knowing that I may not be able to do what I need to do. I didn't do anything last week, well only superficial. And I have been free of stitches since the weekend. I was supposed to have them in until today but I took my own out on Sunday. I wish I knew what was causing these thoughts, these feelings but I don't have a clue. It's horrible. I hate not knowing, not knowing means there is nothing I can do about it! Well I can do things about it but it's not exactlm harm free and not the best way to go about things!