Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by bloodysunday, Jan 19, 2008.

  1. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    I fucked up.. AGAIN!

    I had a long long conversation with my husband on yahoo on Friday morning. It started at about 8am and went on until 2.30pm when I had to leave to go to work.

    All through the conversation I cried. All he would say is that he really loves me but doesn't want me.

    He talked about selling our home, that he should have all the monies as he's paid the mortgage.

    I have children to consider.

    I went to work and collapsed, I physically broke down. I was sent home. I didn't go into work today, I couldn't face anyone. I already called and said I won't be there on Monday.

    I love my husband with every inch of my life, why is he torturing me this way?

    Was it because I refused to have anal sex? Was it because I am so inhibited because I was sexually, physically and mentally tortured by my 1st husband?

    I do not understand

    What is wrong with me???????
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    First there is nothing wrong with you. Don't ever let the way he treats you make you think that.

    It sounds like he may be having his own issues and unfortunately rather than seeking help for himself he is looking outward for causes. This is my best guess. He needs to explain exactly what is going on with him and why. Has he done that? Has he tried to seek help for any problems?

    As for the sex...he should be understanding of what you've been through with your previous husband and shouldn't make you feel forced to do something you don't want to. Has he pressured you or forced you in any way?

    The house being sold? Well you should have a say in that. he should not be making those decisions just because of how he feels. That is very selfish. He should not have all the money. You contributed no doubt to the family by keeping the children, cooking his meals, working yourself, whatever things you have done. You have every right to at least half of the value of your home. If your state is an equitable split state you might have the right to more.

    Now I want you to think long and hard about a few things.

    How long has it been between the former husband and this one?

    Has he said a lot of hurtful things that just seemed out of line?

    How has he made you feel with his behavior?

    Has he made you feel worthless?

    The reason I ask is that sometimes we rush into a new relationship after being in an abusive one and we keep marrying abusers. So I want you to really evaluate things. Make sure he isn't abusive in any way and that includes emotional abuse and psychological abuse.

    And remember his problems lie within him and are not your fault. You are not to blame. You deserve to be loved and treated well.

    I'll check in tomorrow. And so you know where I'm coming from I was in an abusive marriage for 10 years and I am getting a divorce. I have learned so much from this experience and I am recognizing some things in what you are saying. I'm here if you want to talk and my PM box is open if you need it. My story can be found at the link on the bottom of this post. I can also give you a link to a great online support site for people who've been/are in abusive situations.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 19, 2008
  3. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    How long has it been between the former husband and this one?
    It was just over 6 years

    Has he said a lot of hurtful things that just seemed out of line?
    No and yes. Ordinarily no, but because of the past, yes.

    How has he made you feel with his behavior?
    All our problems are my fault, I should have allowed him what he wanted.

    I just don't want to fight/argue any more. I am tired.

    I work 50+ hours a week doing shifts, I come home and do everything. All the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, care of kids, DIY, gardening, car maintenance. You name it, i do it.

    Generally I wake at between 4 and 5am, I'm rarely in bed before 1am.

    Perhaps I am not being realistic. I try so hard and yet it's never enough.
  4. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    My computer is doing strange things and I lost my reply before it posted. Basically he sounds like an abuser and in that case nothing you do will ever be enough in his mind. As hard as it might be at first it may be better to get away from him. As hard as it is now it wouldn't be fair to put yourself through that any longer. It won't get better unless he seeks help for his problems and even then that would take a long time if it worked at all. Whatever you decide you need to remind yourself that you don't deserve this. Anyway I don't know if you've been to this site or not but the site I was telling you about is There is also a forum there called the Catbox. It will probably be helpful.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2008
  5. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    He's so gentle, loving and caring. Would bend over backwards to assist. Then, close the door and he does get manipulative. He's clever, I feel so guilty when I have needed help doing chores. He's sat at his computer playing his game, can't possibly stop to help. It's 2am I am asleep he visits pornography web sites, there's a lot of weird to me non acceptable activities going on. I wake, disturbed by noises. He's looking at me, face flushed, slightly out of breath. I'm still groggy from sleep, he's on top of me. I'm tied down, laying on my tummy arms stretched out at my sides. I ask WTF? I can't talk he's pushed something in my mouth, a ball, I can't get it out. I thrash my legs, they too are tied. I feel pulling at my pajamas, ripping noises. I realise I am exposed. I cry, no one hears.I am being hoisted onto my knees, bottom thrust in the air. something is pushed under my tummy, I can no longer lay flat. Something cold and wet is on my bottom. PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN. I try to scream, I can't I cry soundlessly. It's over. He's got a towel, wipes me clean. I am released. He's scooped me in his arms, tells me I was fantastic, he tells me we will do this again, soon. His kisses are so gentle soft and loving.

    I say nothing.

  6. You ought to go to the police and report what happened to you.
  7. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    That's rape honey! You really need to get out. You can get help from women's shelters. Also you may wanna be careful about posting on the internet for now. i know you need a place of support but if he knows much about computers he might find this and things could get worse.

    Fortunately mine never raped me but he would say things about how I owe him sex. He's do everything to make me feel unloved and unattractive then demand I owe him sex to which I gave a big hell no! I was lucky it didn't go that far. But I was lucky in many ways. Lucky he didn't know how to use the computer for one. or at least he claimed he didn't which in reality if he had sat down and tried he would have. Either way I had a safe place to go to talk else I would have lost it.

    Anyway it isn't going to get better and you do not deserve to be treated like that. Call a women's shelter. They can get you and your kids to a safe place and help you with lawyers or anything you need.
  8. bloodysunday

    bloodysunday Well-Known Member

    I miss him so much. I can't stop the tears. I'm sorry