Guess I was never here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by littlebird88, Feb 2, 2014.

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  1. littlebird88

    littlebird88 New Member

    I'm having a hard time doing this but I feel like there really isnt much else to do. I moved away from home after legal problems, economic difficulties and a really bad breakup. To be more specific those issues all contributed into more stupid decisions. Like heroin. I found out I was pregnant a week after I got to my new life. I considered keeping the child. But I didnt. I had an abortion. I really dont need judgement. Im an atheist. I dont believe in gods condemnation, but i also dont believe in gods forgiveness. My problem is me. The father got clean a few days after the procedure. but it was his main reason in him wanting me to have it. I understand all to well that it was my decision though. Now all i can think about is hurting myself. I feel like ive failed everyone and failed at everything. I got booted from school. Im broke. I tried to kill myself a year ago. The only thing a year has done is reinforced that i should have finished it. I dont know what to do anymore. Religion is not an option. But i honestly am completely alone in this town. In the bible belt. And i feel like it would be easier to just die than to keep attempting to start over. I guess if anyone had the time to pm it would be great. But right now Im just making plans that involve not having to make anymore failed plans,
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. No judgements from me. Are you clean? Or still doing drugs? I personally would not do well in the bible belt. Why are you living there? Is it because you do not have a way to get to someplace else?

    Sometimes people get back into life by volunteering. If you are clean, and feel okay doing it, maybe you could volunteer for something that feels important to you. I do not know where you would volunteer that would feel right to you. Or even if you want to do that. But it is a good way to start to build back self esteem/worth. And to find community. Sometimes people just cant do that, for one reason or another. But I just wanted to mention it.

    Glad you are here. This is a really good place. Please give this community a chance. Dont make any plans to take your life. Instead come here often if possible. People really do meet other people here. People who can become friends.
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi littlebird88', Flowers is right in that you should do some volunteering. I am glad you posted, as this place is brilliant where we can share our thoughts and cannot be judged by anyone. Please take care and respect. Keep posting as the folk will give you strength and hope.
  4. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Agree with volunteering.

    Maybe with a group who help drug users?

    you have made a step nearer a new future by posting here so please carry on.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you ok Please hun if you can you reach out for some council ling to help you heal ok inside No one will judge you hun hugs
  6. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    hi. I just want to be clear that I didnt exactly say you should do volunteering. I suggested it if that feels possible to you now. I do not know what circumstances you are in. So I dont even know if you are able to volunteer. So it was a suggestion, if you are able and if it feels like something you want to do and can do.

    And if at all possible, What Total Eclipse suggested might be helpful. I am wishing you relief that comes in a healthy way. And I hope you keep posting :hug:
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Talking about our problems is always hard... it can be helpful if we receive offers of advice and kindness and not judgement.. you will not receive judgement from me. I took have been through economic difficulties and really bad break ups... haven't had legal probs other than an eviction... but I am in no way judging you on that either.... just saying i don't have the knowledge there. I can empathize with you in many ways though.

    Again, drug use is not something I have done... well I have experimented with marijuana like 2 or 3 times in my past, but nothing significant and I cannot say I was ever hooked , so I cannot relate to you in that regard, although... I can tell you that from what I can tell based on things friends of mine who have been/are addicted have said to me, the overwhelming urges drug addiction gives you are very similar to some of the out of control feelings I get when my borderline personality goes awry or when my psychosis starts acting up in my depression ... or if i get extremely suicidal. Also, I have been and am in an abusive relationship... that has its own stigmas and its own complications that are not within my control. Not saying they are the same by any means, just that I can relate in the feeling that sometimes choices/circumstances lead us to become out of control and the feeling/s of failure that come with the realization.

    Again, you will find no judgement from me. We all have to do what we think is best for us. I found myself pregnant at 17, and I ended up choosing adoption... it still haunts me and I still really have a hard time with it, but I live with it... this is something you too will live with, you have to find a way to be able to cope with it..... have you had any counseling, or spoke to anyone about it at all?

    Your beliefs are your own... no right and no wrong... a belief is just that, a belief. Even the lack of a belief is a form of belief because it is the acknowledgement that you do not believe in the pre-defined beliefs of current times. That being said.... I have gone through a myriad of beliefs in my time concerning God... I was raised Lutheran, then mom died and we stopped going to church, when i got older I started attending a Catholic church as that is what my boyfriend who I was living with at the time was involved in (however at this time, I did not believe in God at all, and had not since the time of my mom's death -- I did not believe in God for 17 yrs of my life). Then, later.... I started going to church again and got baptized in a Baptist church. I have since come to believe that God is real and the bible is real but religion is false. However, I do not discount anyone's belief and I do my utmost not to debate religion because I do not believe any of us will know the full truth til after we die anyway so there is no point in debating that which we cannot truly know. I say all that just to say.... you have the right to believe or not believe whatever you want.

    I am glad you can admit that. Most of us cannot. We see everyone else as being our problem.... and the fact is, the only things we can change is ourselves. Our own actions. Our own reactions. Our own beliefs and morals. Our own appearance. Our own behaviors. Our own thinking patterns and habits. We cannot change others, therefore, we are our own problems, not someone else.

    Not putting any blame or judgement here.... just curious... when you made your decision, how much weight did you put on his desire to keep the child? Did you feel he would help you take care of the child (especially if/when you decided to go into rehab for drug use recovery)? Did you trust and love him? Did you think he could be responsible enough? Did you think you could be responsible enough? What things contributed to your decision ..... again, not judging you at all... more trying to get information so I can help you come to terms with your own feelings of guilt about it.

    The only person that you are responsible for, until you do have a child .. is you. You are not responsible for anyone else, therefore you cannot fail anyone else... other than yourself. It sounds like you have a lot of self condmenation. What contributed to your suicide attempt and why do you wish it had been successful?

    I too live in the bible belt and I avoid people at all cost... I will not go out except to grocery shop or pay bills or take my dog to the bathroom.... and the occasional walk that my husband talks me into. I do not like or trust the people around here at all. I do not believe in or accept religion. To me, religion is nothing more than man made law/rules/beliefs added to the bible (or whatever scripture the particular religion uses). The bible, to me, is the truth but has been corrupted over the years so is hard to decipher accurately. God is fact to me, but again... that is my belief, not something that can be truly known.. therefore, not something I will push on you or judge you for not believing.

    I understand the feeling of just total mental/emotional exhaustion... that sounds like where you are at. I am sorry you are there. I think at the moment, you need to just find something that you truly enjoy that is relaxing.... and experience that for awhile.... get some of the energy back in you before you try to accomplish anything. Feel free to pm me if you wish or write me an inbox... I will listen and lend support.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2014
  8. greenieguy

    greenieguy Banned Member

    If you are feeling guilth maybe doing some type of gesture to remember the aborted child and know that he wouldnt want to live if it ment his mom had to suffer. Sometimes i wish my mom wouldnt have had me.
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