Guilt from seeing my parents happy

[Anon951]

I don't remember the last timeI was this exhausted, guilty, confused and sad at the same time. These emotions feel so heavy that I dont even have the energy to cry.

I have pretty distant (not physically) relationships with my parents and they are not really aware of any of my mental health battles from the past few years. Talking about feelings to them just seems so absurd that I usually just put on a happy face and avoid too deep conversations.

Today that hit me hard. I had just spent three days with my dad, having fun and enjoying it. Then I come home and I get back to my lonely, sad mood. I feel so guilty now that I think that my parents think that Im all okay. I dont even give them the chance to support me. They are living oblivious to my real feelings and thinking that Im doing fine. I feel like Im lying to them.

Seeing my parents happy (because they think I am) reminds me of the days I was genuinely happy, maybe a few years back. The pure sadness rolls around in my stomach when I compare that to what I feel now.

I just had to open this up somewhere because this is really a new level of sad for me.

 

[may71]

Sorry that you're feeling so bad and don't feel like you can get support from your family.

How do you think they would react if you told them how you really feel?

 

[seabird]

Welcome to s f @Geesenod .

 

[Anon951]

How do you think they would react if you told them how you really feel?

I have no idea. We have never really talked about stuff like that. It feels like suppressing your feelings and acting all okay is the norm in the family. It's so uncomfortable to think about talking about this to them. I think the worst part would be me feeling a lot of shame and cringing over myself every night.

I know I should one day maybe open up to them more, but currently I just can't. I am in the middle of navingating my country's bureaucratic jungle of getting myself to therapy. Maybe there I can build the strength to do so.

 

[Anon951]

Welcome to s f @Geesenod .

Thank you! This place never ceases to amaze me with totally random people taking the time to respond to my problems. Sometimes that's all I need.

 

[may71]

I know I should one day maybe open up to them more, but currently I just can't.

There might be a way you could test out their receptiveness, like if you talked about a problem that a friend had.

I am in the middle of navingating my country's bureaucratic jungle of getting myself to therapy.

I could try to help if you'd like

 

[Anon951]

I could try to help if you'd like

Thank you for the thought. Though I can't clearly see how you can.

The problem is mostly that even though I have a diagnosis that can grant me government supported (assistance with costs) therapy, all therapists are just booked full. I'm supposed to go through lists of therapists asking if they have a slot open, but it feels futile and frustrating reading list after list of therapists who can't take new clients. Then once you find one that has a slot, you pay 100€ for the chance to talk to them to see if they are a good fit for you. If you pick the wrong one and have to cancel the therapy, your government assistance will be put on hold for five years.

All this just makes me procrastinate like crazy because it feels almost like it doesn't matter whether I actively look for it or not.

 

[may71]

Thank you for the thought.

You're welcome

All this just makes me procrastinate like crazy because it feels almost like it doesn't matter whether I actively look for it or not.

It's understandable that this is very frustrating

Though I can't clearly see how you can.

Someone once posted something like, "I'd love to hear your advice, but I don't see how you could help". I misunderstood this to mean that she wanted advice, but she later clarified that she did not.

I have some specific ideas about how you might be able to get better, but I'd like to make sure that my advice would be welcome.