Sorry in advance as this will sound dumb. So for the last month, I have been out of work, but have been fortunate to get both weekly unemployment as well as a stimulus check. I say fortunate because I know some people have not been able to get those things for one circumstance or another. So financially, I have been okay during this time. I have been able to pay my rent and stay up to date with bills. But I have also taking this time to buy some things I have wanted to buy for some time. I have never been the best at keeping with a strict budget, but I do manage to not be broke before my next paycheck. And yet, whenever I buy something, I feel guilty for doing so.
Part of it comes from knowing that some people who are also out of work aren't as fortunate as I have been financially. But there is also just this nagging feeling that if I'm not putting every cent into bills or debt or food then I'm squandering money. I have had people try to make it their business how much I have and spend so that isn't always helpful. I try not to "splurge" as if I see something i really want but it is a bit more than I care to spend, I will write it down as something to think about later. I also try not to buy stuff to fill some kind of emotional void, but sometimes maybe I do. Like I play video games and as I have gotten older I have found myself being somewhat of a collector as well as a gamer. Part of why is because back during my drinking years, alcohol became the one and only priority. So much so that i would sell video games for barely enough to get another bottle of booze. At one point, I nearly sold my entire collection, but my mother who had a tendency to procrastinate, never got around to sending them to me during that time. It wasn't until I had been sober for over a year that I was able to get them back. I remember being so shocked because I had forgotten I had certain games in my collection and it hit me hard how had she given me those games when i was still drinking, I probably would have sold them all without thinking. So I guess as superficial as it sounds, being a gamer is somewhat a big motivation in staying sober.
I'm sorry because I am rambling, but yeah....I guess I just wish I could feel comfortable with being okay with having money. Then again, maybe that isn't really possible. I'm sorry if none of this made sense.
Part of it comes from knowing that some people who are also out of work aren't as fortunate as I have been financially. But there is also just this nagging feeling that if I'm not putting every cent into bills or debt or food then I'm squandering money. I have had people try to make it their business how much I have and spend so that isn't always helpful. I try not to "splurge" as if I see something i really want but it is a bit more than I care to spend, I will write it down as something to think about later. I also try not to buy stuff to fill some kind of emotional void, but sometimes maybe I do. Like I play video games and as I have gotten older I have found myself being somewhat of a collector as well as a gamer. Part of why is because back during my drinking years, alcohol became the one and only priority. So much so that i would sell video games for barely enough to get another bottle of booze. At one point, I nearly sold my entire collection, but my mother who had a tendency to procrastinate, never got around to sending them to me during that time. It wasn't until I had been sober for over a year that I was able to get them back. I remember being so shocked because I had forgotten I had certain games in my collection and it hit me hard how had she given me those games when i was still drinking, I probably would have sold them all without thinking. So I guess as superficial as it sounds, being a gamer is somewhat a big motivation in staying sober.
I'm sorry because I am rambling, but yeah....I guess I just wish I could feel comfortable with being okay with having money. Then again, maybe that isn't really possible. I'm sorry if none of this made sense.