It's a little before 3pm and I'm writing this from my computer at work. I have a bowl of soup next to me but I cannot seem to bring myself to take more than a few spoonfuls at a time. I feel bad for eating it despite this being my 4th day consuming the soup. My mother gave me most the ingredients to make it... I'm very grateful for all she's done to help me despite being in a tight situation herself. I'm broke right now, I have negative $37 in my bank account and have another week to go before I get paid. I'm really hungry and yet every time I take a bite to eat I feel bad for eating at all. I think about all the people who are calling me constantly. The creditors, the people I legitimately owe money to. I never wanted to not pay for them, when I accepted the debts I had the means and the intention of paying back everyone. I worry what people think of me now that I cannot pay. I know I've been screamed at by creditors, treated with both disdain and understanding. Some folks treat me like I'm the scum beneath their shoes for telling them "I'm sorry, I cannot pay you this month...and probably not next month either". Others, like the wonderful people at Citi, have been very understanding and willing to work with me given my situation. It's really a long story... it all didn't happen over night with a very long list of things that went horribly wrong. There were ups and downs the past three years but at the bottom of it I am where I am now. It can still get worse but I'm hoping it gets better...soon...before I become homeless. I have problems sleeping at night out of sheer fear and stress. It has come to the point that I am not worried so much about whether or not I can keep the creditors from calling so much as I can afford to eat, keep my heat on or my water running. I'm actually sick of folks trying to help me who don't even understand where I'm at right now. I've tried to get direction...because I'm wallowing right now in desperation and horrific stress to the point that at times I actually fantisize about dying. I'm sick of hearing "cut back on your unncessary expenses". What the flying fudge monkey do people think I've been doing? You think I like eating the same soup for a week straight? Do you think my 13+ hour work days is the hobby I always dreamed of? Yes, I've made some mistakes but everyone does from time to time. I am the sum of my mistakes and I am suffering for them for as much as I thought I was prepared....as careful as I was and as much as I planned ahead I simply was not prepared for this. What's the point to planning anyway if everyone is just out to screw you anyway? Every turn is a hand out. Every radio station is a broadcast of how horrible everything is and how it is not getting better any time soon. Unemployment at an all time high so how on earth can I hope that there'll be a light at the end of my tunnel? Should I declare bankruptcy and set myself up to be the scum of the financial world for 7 years or tough it out with just horrible marks on my credit? Times like these I wish I was 15 again thinking that the world was ending because the boy I had a crush on used me to date my best friend. I would sell my right kidney for the chance to have my biggest worry be whether or not I'd passed my finals. Once upon a time I was sad because I had no close friends. Now I'm sad because I'm worried I might go hungry, go without warmth... and become a mere begger on the street selling my soul for a hamburger. Yet somewhere despite all these fears I have a bowl of soup beside me now...luke-warm.. and every bite makes me feel guilty. I don't want to be a low-life scum who can't afford their bills. I WANT to pay them, I WANT to work off my debts and be an upstanding citizen...but to do that I need a little more luck than I've had the past 3 years.