I have had persistent thoughts of suicide for at least the last year. Married 17 years, not so happily (no violence). I have two major areas of guilt, one stronger than the other, that are keeping me from suicide. First, I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago. Had surgery. It came back in a nearby location a year later. Had radiotherapy. Survived. When I think of how much I wanted to survive cancer, I feel deeply guilty about wanting to kill myself. Second, we had two kids since the cancer who are over 7 now. I love my kids enough to have endured the rest of my burdens. But I feel guilty thinking of suicide and what killing myself would do to them if I did it. My relationship with my wife is best summed up by a country song I heard once on a radio, "we hardly ever talk and we never touch at all". Her hormones went south on her at a younger age than most. There's no intimacy and hasn't been for more than two years. I have an active interest in music and play in a couple of bands. My wife has no interest in my music and rarely attends a show or brings the kids so they can experience what I love to do. If there were no kids, I would have left her and started over. She stuck with me when I was really sick, but then has turned into an unpleasant and non-intimate partner. Doesn't help that she now weighs over 250 lbs. Weight affects her physical health, range of motion, stamina, etc. so house looks like a dump all the time (too hard to bend over, vacuum, etc). Depressing. Kids running around in perpetual mess. I feel so totally trapped. Leaving isn't an option; I don't want to hurt the kids who really need me (did I mention that my wife doesn't cook, I do; or do any shopping, either?). I have frequent thoughts of "checking out" but I usually think of what it would do to the kids. But then I can't see any end to my depression about this situation and I find myself thinking almost every day of getting out my gun and checking out the fast way. I love my kids enough (for now) that I haven't actually taken the gun out to toy with it. But there's hardly a day goes by where I don't wish it was all different, or gone. I've thought about seeking counseling, but haven't had very positive experiences with them the couple of times in the past I've used them (they're nice and listen, but no real help otherwise). Aside from suicide, I can see three other outcomes: cancer returns and I die, wifes weight causes premature death, kids reach 18 and I feel I can leave.