Guilt vs. escape

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sjdude, Apr 2, 2007.

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  1. sjdude

    sjdude Member

    I have had persistent thoughts of suicide for at least the last year. Married 17 years, not so happily (no violence). I have two major areas of guilt, one stronger than the other, that are keeping me from suicide. First, I was diagnosed with cancer ten years ago. Had surgery. It came back in a nearby location a year later. Had radiotherapy. Survived. When I think of how much I wanted to survive cancer, I feel deeply guilty about wanting to kill myself. Second, we had two kids since the cancer who are over 7 now. I love my kids enough to have endured the rest of my burdens. But I feel guilty thinking of suicide and what killing myself would do to them if I did it.

    My relationship with my wife is best summed up by a country song I heard once on a radio, "we hardly ever talk and we never touch at all". Her hormones went south on her at a younger age than most. There's no intimacy and hasn't been for more than two years. I have an active interest in music and play in a couple of bands. My wife has no interest in my music and rarely attends a show or brings the kids so they can experience what I love to do.

    If there were no kids, I would have left her and started over. She stuck with me when I was really sick, but then has turned into an unpleasant and non-intimate partner. Doesn't help that she now weighs over 250 lbs. Weight affects her physical health, range of motion, stamina, etc. so house looks like a dump all the time (too hard to bend over, vacuum, etc). Depressing. Kids running around in perpetual mess.

    I feel so totally trapped. Leaving isn't an option; I don't want to hurt the kids who really need me (did I mention that my wife doesn't cook, I do; or do any shopping, either?). I have frequent thoughts of "checking out" but I usually think of what it would do to the kids. But then I can't see any end to my depression about this situation and I find myself thinking almost every day of getting out my gun and checking out the fast way.

    I love my kids enough (for now) that I haven't actually taken the gun out to toy with it. But there's hardly a day goes by where I don't wish it was all different, or gone. I've thought about seeking counseling, but haven't had very positive experiences with them the couple of times in the past I've used them (they're nice and listen, but no real help otherwise).

    Aside from suicide, I can see three other outcomes: cancer returns and I die, wifes weight causes premature death, kids reach 18 and I feel I can leave.
  2. Mew

    Mew Active Member

    If you don't mind me asking, what's stopping you from leaving (with or without the kids, or even temporarily just to take a timeout?)? Sounds like it would be difficult, but what about marriage counseling? The results might be different if the two of you went (I'm assuming you went alone in the past).

    You've said you don't wanna hurt the kids, but keeping in mind this is just my personal experience, the status quo may be doing just that. My folks were the "we hardly ever talk and we never touch at all" variety as well, and growing up as a kid, it wasn't pleasant living under the same roof because there'd always be this negative vibe whenever they were together.
  3. sjdude

    sjdude Member

    Thanks, Mew. Since I do a lot of day-to-day things for my kids, leaving would be very hard on them. But more importantly, it wouldn't change anything, assuming I would eventually come back.

    Oh, man, have I ever been through that cycle of thoughts, whether it is worse to stay or to leave. People can change/age in ways that are not reversable. My wife's changes for the worse came with hormonal changes from early menopause. Without debating Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) here, this change is permanent. She will never be the person she was before this happened. What she is now is as good as it gets.
  4. What you need to do is file for divorce and take the kids with you. Obviously, you're a much better parent than your wife, and I'm sure a court would see that, too, if you explained your daily life to them.

    Children that age NEED to experience music, they NEED to be given a work ethic, and the only way they'll get that is through experience and example. Children are not taught through words, but only example. They need a strong parent to keep them stable. So like I said, file for divorce and demand the kids.
  5. sjdude

    sjdude Member

    Thanks, xxxbleedingkissesxxx. Believe me, long before I had persistent thoughts of ending my life, I had persistent thoughts of divorce. Still have them. Still contemplate exactly what you said. Not sure how I'd manage taking 100% care of kids. I'm self employed, so sometimes I have some spare, flexible time, but sometimes I'm stretched just to make deadlines let alone being a single parent. There are certainly times I could believe things would be easier with just me and the kids. At least then, with things a complete mess, there would be a good reason why! :sad:

    I was being realistic about my initial comment about the possibility of my wife's health leading to a shorter life. I don't know too many old fat people (in excess of 250lbs.). I feel sorry for her. She used to be quite pretty and a lot more nimble, and fun. All gone now. Just bitter and spreading the "joy".

    My day to day life is so full of "gotta do's", I find myself thinking of just "exiting" and not trying to fix any of it. It just all seems too hard to do, so heavy, like it weighs a million pounds.
  6. BrooklynRider

    BrooklynRider Well-Known Member

    Hi SJ-

    Rob here. I suggest you really take a sharper look at the big picture. I understand cutting right to the suicide option, I've done it myself. However, I've come to learn that once suicide becomes an option EVERYTHING else is in play. If you are willing to kill yourself, then why not just go for divorce. What's to lose there when faced with suicide? There are a lot of choices we might not have otherwise considered when suicide is suddenly in play. You pretty well illustrate the issues. Why not considering a choice that helps you rather than harms you? There are things in your control that you can change, despite the fear you might have about that change. When you are thinking "suicide," everything is in play.

    You deserve happiness. Be good to yourself. Stay safe, even if it means getting out of the house. You can't take care of those kids until you take care of yourself.
  7. sjdude

    sjdude Member

    Thank you very much for your reply. What you said really resonates with me. I have been considering getting counseling/therapy for depression, and maybe that's a starting place for everything else: marriage counseling and/or divorce. I know I need some help and guidance through all this because I have kept coming back to the same dead end in my thinking, and because, well, "life is complicated". There are other people to consider, too.

    Thanks, man. Your words have made a difference.
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