I have just told one of my friends (who also suffers with depression and bpd) that I'm feeling suicidal and how I can't help it, even though so many good things have happened to me recently. I feel so guilty for bringing this stuff up because she is trying so hard to help herself and whilst I have been trying to do the same, I really don't see any point any more and I just want to give up. It doesn't help obviously that I am constantly comparing myself to her and I am just ... well nothing really. I am just rubbish. I hate this because whenever I go through a depressive episode and recall my abuse (sexual) I always feel guilty anyway. I feel like, even though I was too young to remember when it started, I was old enough to know it was wrong way before it stopped. The last time it happened, I was raped and told my mum so it stopped then. I was 10 and I know that may sound young but I have always been fairly strong-willed and I know I could have stopped it before then. So I just feel like it is as much my fault as his. I have been told that it isn't my fault and I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do, and I don't want to feel guilty for years! It's like my own depression is my fault. And now I'm just adding to the guilt by burdening other people with my crap! Not that I've told anyone else the details. That's part of the problem. It's not like I can tell those that know about my depression, WHY I feel the way I do! Which just makes me seem like a total fraud and I feel like one as well! I can't handle this anymore! My flashbacks cause panic attacks which affect my mood for the rest of the day, and they are almost every night at the moment! :blue: I don't know what else to do.