Before I joined SF I had been having suicidal thoughts for around two years and with the exception of my husband and GP I had told no-one. I felt ashamed and didn't want to seem like I was an attention seeker. I didn't want it to compromise my job either. But I had a meltdown on the phone to my mother and said that I wanted to die so badly because life was just never going to happen for me. She text my husband asking him to rush home to see if I was okay. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I do want to die and I feel like the feelings are pushing me closer than they ever have but I don't want to hurt my mum. So I will not mention it again to her. My husband was angry so I don't want to say to him again. I know my time is not far off. The thoughts are so intense. I feel selfish not thinking about my mum and I feel terrible guilt. I just want to go so badly. I feel like I am just waiting on the right day or time.