Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Mortem, Oct 14, 2008.

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  1. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Right. It was my birthday last week... 27th... as always I had specifically requested no presents or celebrations at all... and as always it got ignored and I got both cake and presents, not only that... it was things they'd put a lot of effort into making... like, I got this congratulation card from my mother, she's a paint artists, it was very pretty, a handmade envelope with little dogs and cats drawn on it and I know she must've spent at least a couple of hours making it. Plus other similiar things.

    The fact is that I don't want to live anymore, and I've had a deathwish for the last decade. I believe each person has the choice to end their lives whenever they please. However, due to my upbringing there's always been this huge responsibility patos present. So I've wanted to leave leaving as few things and loose ends as possible for them to sort out. Been pondering many ways to bypass whatever pain and grief I shall impose on them. Things like "moving away and never come back" or "faking an accident", and something like that would be possible to pull off if it wasn't for the money.

    Anyway! Things like the above mentioned birthday and having in mind that I'll leave them soon makes me feel terribly guilty, so guilty I threw up back then. At the same time a bit frustrated... because they're making things harder.
    A while ago I was talking to this neighbour, a guy in his 60's, admitted to me - out of the blue - that he admired me... I just thought to myself "you fucking wanker" as another weight of guilt was added.
    In retrospect it seems everything would've been much simpler and tidier the earlier I would've done it. Aging sucks. :smile:

    Note, this post doesn't require replies, just ventilating I suppose. Move it if there's a more suitable category somewhere. Kudos to you if you took your precious time to read all of this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2008
  2. BioHomocide

    BioHomocide Well-Known Member

    Your family loves you!!! So much that they would do things for you even if you didn't ask.
    Happy belated birthday and thanks for the kudos! :laugh:
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Mortem,
    I have been suicidal for 15 years. Thru therapy and being hospitalized I have learned to live with it. I try to get up in the mornings and telling myself NOT TODAY!! I am a Isolationist so it's not that easy to put it behind you.
    I am sorry you are so down!! I know how you feel about having things done for you, It just doesn't feel right. When they ask how old I am I just try to blow it off. I tell them honestly I have no idea because I quit trying to remember years ago.
    I hope you have a better day!! Try setting yourself small goals, it can be anything just to help you think a little more on the positive side of things!!Take Care!!~Joseph~
  4. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately they do. Merci merci! :smile:

    Hi Joseph,
    I've read some of your posts here and there over the board so I've picked up a few things about you. I'm rather impressed by your posting activity and enthusiasm, and you manage to do it without getting "post-inflation", which is a rare thing to pull off. Thx for the general advice.
    Have a good day!
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