Right. It was my birthday last week... 27th... as always I had specifically requested no presents or celebrations at all... and as always it got ignored and I got both cake and presents, not only that... it was things they'd put a lot of effort into making... like, I got this congratulation card from my mother, she's a paint artists, it was very pretty, a handmade envelope with little dogs and cats drawn on it and I know she must've spent at least a couple of hours making it. Plus other similiar things. The fact is that I don't want to live anymore, and I've had a deathwish for the last decade. I believe each person has the choice to end their lives whenever they please. However, due to my upbringing there's always been this huge responsibility patos present. So I've wanted to leave leaving as few things and loose ends as possible for them to sort out. Been pondering many ways to bypass whatever pain and grief I shall impose on them. Things like "moving away and never come back" or "faking an accident", and something like that would be possible to pull off if it wasn't for the money. Anyway! Things like the above mentioned birthday and having in mind that I'll leave them soon makes me feel terribly guilty, so guilty I threw up back then. At the same time a bit frustrated... because they're making things harder. A while ago I was talking to this neighbour, a guy in his 60's, admitted to me - out of the blue - that he admired me... I just thought to myself "you fucking wanker" as another weight of guilt was added. In retrospect it seems everything would've been much simpler and tidier the earlier I would've done it. Aging sucks. :smile: Note, this post doesn't require replies, just ventilating I suppose. Move it if there's a more suitable category somewhere. Kudos to you if you took your precious time to read all of this.