Guilt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 141, Jul 23, 2009.

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  1. 141

    141 New Member

    Hello.

    As like many of you, I don't know what to do.

    The last few weeks of my life have been awkward, dangerous, self-destructing and consuming me.

    I have done actions I don't normally commit, and I feel dirty, like a creep, like a real criminal.

    Few weeks ago, I made silly letters to a girl online, and for some time she replied, and then she stopped, and then came facebook games. She liked me initially, wouldn't mind knowing me better, but somewhere I crossed the line, and I broke, and now there is no response, despite not being blocked, despite not being given anything to say.

    In the meantime, I attempted to shoplift 10 dollars worth of food out of a supermarket, I was caught, they laughed at me, and they plastered me all over the supermarket as an example, and had a police woman drive me off to an emergency room. I was charged 270 dollars, and 424 more for the theft itself, and I am very low income, I cannot pay this off, I am hoping for some kind of appeal.

    I am angry, I feel like I have taken away an unreasonable amount of priviledges so I bombarded them with countless messages on their answering machine and they have not replied, and only cashed my check.

    I am afraid the day I go to court in a few weeks, its all over for me.

    In the meantime, I meet a girl I haven't seen her in months, add her on facebook, and in a single day, she removes me, after a bad, apparently creepy wall post on hers, and that was it. Sulken, I shut it down, and I started having nightmares about my mom, my father, whom are no longer with me.

    I feel like these parties are making fun of me. I feel like they're out to get me, I don't know what to do. I cannot sleep, I wasted my life doing shit I shouldn't and I am faced with impossible tasks.

    I have never found any love in my life, the only real connection I ever had was with my mother growing up, any attempt with any woman has ended up in dismal failure, because I was too shy, unsure , or sometimes just creepy, and overwhelming from the start. My mother died of cancer, I became socially isolated for these last 5 years of my life, and for the first time in those 5 years, I have broken down and cried.

    I want to go away, I want this to stop, I never want to feel like this.

    Its happened so many times before, but this is the last straw I feel, I'm at the end. None of my friends are willing to help me, they think I'm crazy, I deserve it, and I am ashamed to tell anyone in my extended family. I live with my brother, and I am afraid what will happen to him as I am the sole provider for him.

    I don't want people to see me this pathetic, I have attempted suicide before, I have been in the emergency room, but this time...even thought I'm not doing right now, my mind is drawing blanks, I want out.

    I wish I could stop myself from sending anything to those women. I wish I didn't do that fucking idiotic attempt at shoplifting. I wish I kept my thoughts to myself. I don't want to go to jail, I'm not a criminal, I didn't mean to, I had a lapse of reasoning...GOD.

    They're creeped out, I didn't mean to, I just wanted to be friends and thats it...THE FUCK..lhoWD did it end up to this? I'm not myself...HELP.
     
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    It's not your fault. That is just what happens when the world puts a human in an uncomfortable position in life. I know how it feels to have a chance with a girl and then unknowingly messing things up and being left on your own biting the bullet. With no sympathy or explanation. Then you're left asking yourself what's so wrong with me that they could all have left so easily. Nobody wants to feel the way you feel now, and it probably feels like the world hates you and doesn't give 2.5 fucks about you. But you have to give yourself credit your only human, you can still move on from all of this.
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Angelo's right. You're human, and we all make mistakes or do things we shouldn't. I've made plenty of choices that I regretted later.

    You can PM me if you ever feel like talking.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Okay here if you are suffering from mental illness depression mental health board can go to court with you and fight for you because you have an illness shoplifting is an illness in itself. Do you have a councillor a doctor who can write a note for you to present it to the court stating your condition and how you are suffering. Maybe the court can assign some help for you ask this get a mental health representative to speak for you on your court date You are not a criminal you are ill and need help. Please get some representative for you from the mental health system What they did was not right they need to be charged for the humilation they caused you as i said you are ill but these ignorant people can't see that. Take care and please know we care let us know how you are doing through all this
     
  5. 141

    141 New Member

    Thank you, I will contact my mental health counselor and see what I can do about it.
     
  6. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey 141,

    :welcome: to SF! I'm sorry you're feeling so low atm. I know how such mistakes can haunt you, and I still get shivers every now and then from some stupid mistakes or comments I made in the past. Unfortunately we can't go back and change what happened, but we can change what happens in the future. We can learn from our mistakes, and that is the really hard part.

    I'm much more relaxed now than a few years back, but I still have my moments. If I'm in an uncomfortable situation I still do and say unbelievably stupid things, which I tend to replay over and over in my head and that can really get me down. I don't know what advice to give you on this as I haven't figured it out yet myself, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way.

    I'm sorry about the shoplifting. As you said it was a once-off mistake and I'm sure the court will see it as such. Don't be ashamed to tell the whole story of what happened (reasons for doing it etc. ). All these mitigating factors, as well as the fact that it was only $10, should count in your favor, especially if it was a first time offense. I see no reason why you should have to pay all those penalties, for a lousy $10 that you didn't even steal!

    Keep us posted on how you're doing and how the hearing goes. Best of luck and take care!

    Max
     
  7. 141

    141 New Member

    I appreciate that very much, the courts don't even respond to me at this point, I guess I'll have to wait till the date..in the meantime..being with friends has helped..although I haven't told them the story..
     
  8. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: xx
     
  9. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    well, sometimes things happen. you got caught stealing.
    if you have a mental consoler, i suggest that you find out from him or her, what they offer to give you some needed help with the way you feel.

    the one thing that i would suggest, dont waste your time trying to find women. you have enough on your plate to be adding to the equaison.
    get yourself stable first and then seek out some company like that.

    if you already know what you are being charged for shoplifting, more than likely all you may have to do is some community service. i seriously doubt that you will end up in jail for 10.00.
    maybe its time to lay your cards on the table with your consoler and see what they can do to help you.
    what ever it is they offer or suggest, i suggest you make the effort as well.

    best of luck, just hang in there.
    odiecom
     
  10. 141

    141 New Member

    My counselor was absolute fucking shit.
    I spent 4 hours writing through paperwork+waiting for my insurance/getting called, and I ended up talking about 15 minutes, about my life story, and her giving me the same textbook bullshit, "how are you feeling?" "What do you want me to do?"
    *smiles, thank you have a good day.

    That was fucking it.
    She can't help me out, at all, no advice, just listened, and I waited all this time to talk.

    Next meeting is in like..4 weeks?

    Idiotic, and i have to pay for this shit.

    And I met the supermarket manager passing by on the street, he "tch-tch'd" me, snickered and laughed with his wife as he quickly pointed to me.

    FUCKER.

    It makes me mad, oh so mad.

    Not having girl problems anymore, looks like they've unblocked me for whatever reason, and chatting just fine, but goddamn those little shits, piss me off.

    I'm going to be piss broke, I don't know how I'm going to survive taking care for my brother, I feel like I'm being scammed out of my life..bullshit bullshit.

    Its 100% going to be just a fine, not sure if its going to be put on record, police-bitch told me it was just a ticket equivalent to a "parking violation" or any speeding ticket.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2009
  11. Songie

    Songie Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that all of this is going on with you and I want you to know that it isn't your help. And suicide is never the answer, no matter how much it seems like it could be. And yes, I know I am being a bit hypocritical since I myself am suicidal...but it doesnt make it any less true. Bring your problems here and talk about them. We want to help *hugs*
     
  12. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your brother would obviously be very devastated and alone without you. Hang in there a fine no jail time you did good stay strong okay
     
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