guilt

Discussion in 'Self Care and Healthy Lifestyles' started by Darlene, Jan 30, 2012.

  1. Darlene

    Darlene Member

    I am having a hard time dealing with my loves suicide. I feel so selfish. The best feeling I ever had was knowing he loved me under good times and bad. For the most part we were happy.
    As of late we were having some arguments a month before Christmas. He died on Christmas eve. The hardest thing that ever happened to me.
    He left after an argument. I hate the thought of the person I was so close with, my best friend leaving and not knowing if he took his life hating me for the first time. We loved each other so much. I feel that he lost love and hope for us. Why take your life if we had so many plans. We did not even care about anyone else. We only wanted to be together. Just the two of us.
    He left me all alone. Now I wonder did he love me. We had fights in our past and we always gave each other a hug and things got better. I should have not dragged our arguments on so long. I miss him coming to me and saying I LOVE YOU. Right or wrong. Sorry was never a hard word. We always became closer and closer. I wish he was here so I could say I am sorry for our argument. We always thought about each others feeling. That night of the argument we said things that we did not mean. I know that. No hugging this time. He left hating me enough to take his life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That is where you are wrong hun he left hating himself not you he could not cope with how he was feeling that is what took him an impulse of pain hugs
     
  3. Darlene

    Darlene Member

    He always told me that I was the one that made him happy. I didn't make him happy enought that day to come back home. I should have made him feel good. I made him sad that day. We were always there for each other. I am very sad.
     
  4. Lucano

    Lucano Well-Known Member

    You didn't make him sad. You did make him happy. I understand why you're sad, I'm going thru the break up with my fiance as you already know. I find myself wondering if it was my fault. But pain, and un-happiness is something that others can't blame us about and we shouldn't blame ourselves for their un-happiness, nor the choices they make because of it. Even though in a relationship happiness and stability depends on both. Ultimately our inner and deepest feelings depend only on us at a very deep, personal level. Total Eclipse is right, he left hating himself, not you. I know you are in a lot of pain, I've discoreved that talking helps me cope with it, a lot. Keep talking to us. We will listen to you for as long as it takes.
     
  5. Darlene

    Darlene Member

    I feel like he had misery in his life. I was his safe place. I feel like I got on his last nerve. We had an argument. By now that argument would have been over and who knows. We may have had another one. We were happy together. We did have our arguments. I wish we never did. My problem is feeling lost. Feeling like I am not loved enough to stay alive. He never thought I would trust him. I would have never left him. We were too close. I only worried because I never wanted to get hurt. Everyday he said he loved me. He made a choice to leave me wondering. Mad at me. So mad. He slammed the door when he left.
     
  6. Lucano

    Lucano Well-Known Member

    You didn't caused that misery. Every douple has their arguments, whoever tells you otherwise is lying. I can understand you feel lost. Believe me, not feeling loved enough to stay alive is something I can relate perfectly right now. But today, I spoke to an old friend that made me realize that no matter how lost we feel, ho alone we think we are, we are not. Try to meet with a friend or a group of friends, people you've trusted your whole life, someone you can talk to. There is nothing like a willing ear and a shoulder to cry on. We're here, I'm here and I will keep listening and keep trying to help. You are not alone. And you're loved, even if you don't feel it now, you are loved.