guilty and afraid

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by LanceT45, Feb 21, 2013.

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  1. LanceT45

    LanceT45 New Member

    Every moment is fear. My wife goes in for an ob/gyn exam tomorrow for a UTI. I'm afraid it's caused by an STI I gave her from oral sex I got from a guy. If that's the case and it's discovered, my wife, my kids, my life goes away. I don't know which is stronger - my fear or my self-hatred.

    I am in a state of total, constant panic and self-loathing. I am forced to have normal conversations with my coworkers and I feel like I'm underwater.

    If I were religious I would be praying to God constantly. I'm not, but I find myself almost doing it anyway.

    I don't deserve a second chance, but my wife and kids do. I would kill anyone who hurt them, but that person is me.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Did you actually cheat on her though? Or did this happen before you were married? It might be a good idea to come clean 'before' she undergoes the tests(in my mind anyway, I can see a better chance of her forgiving if you were honet), that's if you have cheated on her, if not how were you to know you contracted as STI. A lot of people contract the HPV virus which can include genital warts... but an awful lot of people live their lives not knowing they have the HPV virus because most of the time it does not have symptoms.
     
  3. LanceT45

    LanceT45 New Member

    Yes I did cheat on her. But if it's not an STI, then I spare her the mental anguish of knowing what I did by not telling her. Besides, I don't have the guts to come clean with her before the exam. All I can do is hope that it was caused by something else. If it was, I never do this again. If it is an STI... I'm in Hell. It means I end up hurting my kids, which makes me want to not exist.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That sure is a tough situation. IF it turns out the worst case scenario like you're imagining, do you think she may forgive you? Also suicide isn't the way, your children will still need you even if you do split up. Best case scenario, she may just have an infection such as bad thrush, I honestly do hope for the best for you.
     
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    UTIs are fairly common. She could have many things that would not be caused by you. eg: yeast infection from candidia. Thats pretty common.
    No matter what the answer, Like CocaCola said, your kids will need you to be alive. No kids deserve to have their dad kill himself..... or even die. Right?
    Btw, you said Quote: "If I were religious I would be praying to God constantly. I'm not, but I find myself almost doing it anyway." I dont have a religion, and I never want one. I "ask for help" from source/divine/spirit/god whatever anyone wants to call it. Its not always a religious thing to ask.
     
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