Every moment is fear. My wife goes in for an ob/gyn exam tomorrow for a UTI. I'm afraid it's caused by an STI I gave her from oral sex I got from a guy. If that's the case and it's discovered, my wife, my kids, my life goes away. I don't know which is stronger - my fear or my self-hatred. I am in a state of total, constant panic and self-loathing. I am forced to have normal conversations with my coworkers and I feel like I'm underwater. If I were religious I would be praying to God constantly. I'm not, but I find myself almost doing it anyway. I don't deserve a second chance, but my wife and kids do. I would kill anyone who hurt them, but that person is me.