I’ve finally made my mind for writing this down, I’ve tried many times before, but I don’t even feel like I should be here. Sorry for any grammatical errors that may appear, English is not my first language. And I'm going to write quite a lot. You don’t need to read this if you don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t have anyone else to talk these things. I had a girlfriend and she really was everything I’ve ever had in my life. She was five years older than me, and since her mother forbid her to have any kind of romantic relationship with me, we used to see each other in secret and to talk through IM. It was a very deep bond we had. We could speak about absolutely everything, our problems were solved with good talking and we helped each other all the time. She had some serious issues with her childhood, and I helped her with these things; she was sexually abused by her cousin when she was 4, her father was interned in an asylum one year later (he was very violent during his schizophrenic outbreaks), her mother obliged her to enter in a course she didn’t wanted to and made everything harder for her when she decided to enter another religion. And I was the one who helped her heal her wounds about all these things. We were always discreet for being found together, but hiding got harder and harder with time. So in a moment of rage, I blew everything up. I said some really stupid things and hurt her, but I just realized the damage later. She dumped me, and despite all my attempts to repair things in any way I could, there was no way back. Since she hated me, I cut all ties with her, 'cause I don't wanna be a burden for her like her other ex'es were, stalkers. Few weeks after we broke up, she didn't pass on the final exams. So her parents began treating her coldly. Then I was told recently that she was on meds and receiving psychological treatment, ‘cause she tried to kill herself twice. This was nearly two months ago. I can't stop blaming myself for this. I feel like crap for having made things a hell for her. Her life is already so damn messed up, and all I do is hurt the person I love most even more. I can’t carry this weight. Talking about it to my parents it’s simply not an option, since they’d only blame me (as always) and whatsoever and it would drag me down even more. Those around me wouldn’t ever say I have any reason for considering suicide, but that’s what’s been occupying my head for the last two months. And I lost too much weight recently, got sick several times. My life has stuck, and I can’t seem to talk to any friend about it, they’re too distant. I’m alone as hell and the last two months made me realize I’ve been a burden for everyone I care, and mere nothingness for the others. Two weeks ago I didn’t leave my apartment, and since I was without internet and I live alone, I had absolutely no social contact. Nobody cared for calling or whatever. I tried to make friends and to go out, but interacting it’s hard when you simply can’t smile among other people. I’m getting tired of crying and searching for stupid ways to forget myself, so I’ll simply end this unceasing pain that has become my life. I hate myself for being so weak, there are so many people here with problems way beyond mine, and here I am, feeling like a smashed bug. I’m so sorry for being a burden for everyone around me. I don’t know how I should be dealing with this, I just wanted the pain to go away.