Guilty, I can’t carry this weight anymore

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ghost in the shell, Dec 3, 2010.

  1. I’ve finally made my mind for writing this down, I’ve tried many times before, but I don’t even feel like I should be here. Sorry for any grammatical errors that may appear, English is not my first language. And I'm going to write quite a lot.
    You don’t need to read this if you don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t have anyone else to talk these things.

    I had a girlfriend and she really was everything I’ve ever had in my life.
    She was five years older than me, and since her mother forbid her to have any kind of romantic relationship with me, we used to see each other in secret and to talk through IM. It was a very deep bond we had. We could speak about absolutely everything, our problems were solved with good talking and we helped each other all the time. She had some serious issues with her childhood, and I helped her with these things; she was sexually abused by her cousin when she was 4, her father was interned in an asylum one year later (he was very violent during his schizophrenic outbreaks), her mother obliged her to enter in a course she didn’t wanted to and made everything harder for her when she decided to enter another religion. And I was the one who helped her heal her wounds about all these things.
    We were always discreet for being found together, but hiding got harder and harder with time. So in a moment of rage, I blew everything up. I said some really stupid things and hurt her, but I just realized the damage later. She dumped me, and despite all my attempts to repair things in any way I could, there was no way back. Since she hated me, I cut all ties with her, 'cause I don't wanna be a burden for her like her other ex'es were, stalkers.

    Few weeks after we broke up, she didn't pass on the final exams. So her parents began treating her coldly. Then I was told recently that she was on meds and receiving psychological treatment, ‘cause she tried to kill herself twice. This was nearly two months ago.

    I can't stop blaming myself for this. I feel like crap for having made things a hell for her. Her life is already so damn messed up, and all I do is hurt the person I love most even more. I can’t carry this weight.

    Talking about it to my parents it’s simply not an option, since they’d only blame me (as always) and whatsoever and it would drag me down even more. Those around me wouldn’t ever say I have any reason for considering suicide, but that’s what’s been occupying my head for the last two months. And I lost too much weight recently, got sick several times. My life has stuck, and I can’t seem to talk to any friend about it, they’re too distant. I’m alone as hell and the last two months made me realize I’ve been a burden for everyone I care, and mere nothingness for the others. Two weeks ago I didn’t leave my apartment, and since I was without internet and I live alone, I had absolutely no social contact. Nobody cared for calling or whatever.
    I tried to make friends and to go out, but interacting it’s hard when you simply can’t smile among other people. I’m getting tired of crying and searching for stupid ways to forget myself, so I’ll simply end this unceasing pain that has become my life.

    I hate myself for being so weak, there are so many people here with problems way beyond mine, and here I am, feeling like a smashed bug. I’m so sorry for being a burden for everyone around me.
    I don’t know how I should be dealing with this, I just wanted the pain to go away.
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  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You did good to post okay that took courage. Your friend is getting the help she needs now i am sorry things went so bad between the two of you. She is older then you does not need your protection okay Her family will be there to support her now. Her exams who knows why she failed could be she just did not study or understand well Right now you need to be looking after you getting professional help for you
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a difficult situation for you to be in, it can't be easy for you. It's been two months since things escalated between you both, if I read correctly, so maybe she's cooled off a bit now and ready to accept your apologies with a clear head? If anything, it sounds as though she needs you now more than ever. The most you can do is offer your help to her now in her time of need, regardless of the past, and hope she accepts it and that you can start to rebuild your relationship upwards, if you haven't already tried doing that again recently (as you said you gave up and quit all contact).

    It sucks that you're feeling so low and depressed about this, but the best you can do is try and patch things up and if it doesn't work like it didn't back then, then really there's nothing more you can do. I know you feel guilty, but you're not helping anyone (least of all your ex-girlfriend) by letting it get you down too much. If she truly felt anything for you whilst you were together, I'm sure she wouldn't want you feeling this way, regardless of what happened between you both.

    Hope you feel better soon, and on an unrelated note: I like your username. A good anime. :smile:
  5. I wished to help her, considering how her parents treats her... (damn, she's 23, she doesn't need to have someone controlling every ****** thing in her life like her mother insists to do!!!!) But I turned from ally to villain in her life... That's the point, I feel responsible, considering everything we've passed through helping each other... I dunno who I should talk to, I don't want a bag of pills and a batallion of relatives/friends looking to me like a freak because I considered ending my life... :badday:

    I tried apologizing already... since neither she wanted to see me personally again neither she would be permitted to do it, I sent an e-mail explaining e-v-e-r-y little thing, apologizing for everything I said and did... She didn't answer, the last time we spoke she said she wouldn't come back with me even if I was the last man on Earth... Since I wouldn't know how to detach reason from emotion in talking with her again, it was better to quit getting in touch with her.

    Three weeks ago I heard from a friend she's dating another guy, secretly, too. So there's no chance for me. I just wanted to fix the mess I did....
    Anyway, you're right... she wouldn't want me feeling this way.

    I'd talk to a friend about the ideas I'm having, but this subject (suicide) is touchy and would make everyone see me as a freak... Nobody talks about it lightly, and when it's done, the person who considers it is portrayed as a stupid mere coward and so on. Which help I could expect from this kind of context? So I found this forum...
    Anyway, thanks for the words... it really made a difference for me :mhmm:
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    You did something you regret...welcome to the human race...there seems to be more than this one act, because no matter what you said, it could have been considered an error of the moment (agains something we all do) your ex had other problems, it seems she did not have a way to repair what was you are feeling, this is very troublesome, but not something you can continue to punish yourself for...I know it sounds cliche, but please try to begin to forgive yourself...your caring for her shows you would not have wanted to cause her distress...and please continue to share with does help to put it out and be affirmed...big hugs, J