Guilty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aaron1F, Oct 10, 2016.

  1. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    The strange thing is having spent over ten years trying to save life and reducing suffering to people and critters I find myself here talking to people about self destructive thoughts. It's so embarrassing and so hard to see reason as to I feel like I do.Every day we see and read about poverty war and other terrible things happening all over the world but still can't shake this awful dreaded feeling. Settings aside of the self destructive thoughts I know it's cost me my family and relationship as my wife and children just don't understand why I feel the way I do and the fact I have become an empty shell of a person. I have become a person devoid of feeling other than morbid thoughts, withdrawn from all my friends and remaining family and isolate myself. I so hate myself for allowing myself to end up like I am now. Why do I do this I am ashamed of myself. The scary thing is I've had 3 episodes and now this one which is by far the worse but feel I can't ask for anymore help. Even reading other people's posts and seeing there age make me worse as I know they need the help the most. I had my chances and I've not been able to sort myself out.Its true what my partner said I have become a burden to her and our two little girls,I suck all the happiness and companionship from our family. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.Whilst serving in the Fire and Rescue Service I was able to deal with many things and took pride in serving the community actually felt valued now I feel a burden to all.I no longer cry have nothing left
    I would spend hours hill hillwalking alone but in tears how stupid know that would fix nothing but now even functioning on a daily basis is such a challenge. Loosing family member and parents losing jobs cancer scares everything just keeps flying in hell bent on suppression and smothering you.This illness is consuming me and thinking Iam not inspiration for others right now as I mind is not in a good place and all reason and logical thought twisted as all I want to do right no is let go stop struggling to survive and surcome to illness.
    Im so sorry folks but thats why I feel so very guilty about all of this.
     
  2. It breaks my heart to read this Aaron. I'm so sorry that your world seems to be falling apart around you. I understand that right now you may feel worthless but that's the opposite of what's true. You've been told this lie that your life doesn't matter and that you have nothing left to contribute. I'm not sure whether or not you're a Christian, or even spiritual, but I wanted to leave you with this quote I've come upon often when dealing with a deep depression. I'm not saying this will solve all your problems and that you'll be forever happy but if you'd at least think about it. Praying for you brother.

    “Men will never become great in divinity until they become great in suffering. ‘Ah!’ said Luther, ‘affliction is the best book in my library;’ and let me add, the best leaf in the book of affliction is that blackest of all the leaves, the leaf called heaviness, when the spirit sinks within us, and we cannot endure as we could wish. And yet again; this heaviness is of essential use to a Christian, if he would do good to others. . . . There are none so tender as those who have been skinned themselves. Those who have been in the chamber of affliction know how to comfort those who are there. Do not believe that any man will become a physician unless he walks the hospitals; and I am sure that no one will become a divine, or become a comforter, unless he lies in the hospital as well as walks through it, and has to suffer himself.”
     
  3. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the reply and such kind words and the quote.I appreciate you replying and having spent time to read my post.Its bad enough having to deal with I guess the illness but to battle the the incredible embarrassment and sense of guilt know I'm alive wish I was dead and yet people lay dying in hospital both young and old alike. depression if that's what it is, is just so destruct on every level it eats at your core and poisons you mind to activly work against all instinct and core values. Yes as a Christian taking one life is forbidden and not for me to decide I know but when at such low place like now like I said core beliefs and values diminish
     
  4. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    May I ask a direct question? Have you seek professional help and are you taking any medication related to depression symptoms? Are you still employed with the fire & rescue services? Are you still living with your family? If you don't answer, it's okay.
     
  5. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Hi ya
    Yes on 40 mg citalopram daily I've had counciling such as CBT and yes it did take the edge off things for a while but either I've got worse or it did not cure the problem.My time with the Fire and Rescue Service was some time ago now and although after over ten years service I left due finding it hard to deal with increasing amounts of Road traffic accidents. Dealing with fatalities was fine as I had no emotional attachement to the victims although some sights were particually unpleasant. I really struggled with dealing with casualties who I knew were seriously ill and would not survive or had loved ones killed at the scene and trying to keep them motivated to keep going by say things like hang on we are here now things gonna be OK knowing full well it's the total opersite. Seeing people in pain and children too. Things were OK at the time but when alone the enormity would hit you and also a nightmares would relive and hear the screams.
    I have been diagnosed with Post and reactive depression. Personally I just think I've failed and am weak as there are loads of paramedics and fire fighters and doctors and we don't see them here.
    So so gutted I've failed and allowed myself to fail in such a spectacular way as this. Strange thing is because it's so embarrassing and I feel so guilty it's easier to talk this way rather than face to face. So sorry to burden others with my problems
     
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  6. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Sorry about missing words and some spelling
     
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  7. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    Aaron, do a google search "PTSD among emergency service personnel". It should dispel your conclusion that you alone are weak as there are loads of paramedics and firefighters, doctors not on this forum. Your words. Trust me, you are not a failure. In fact, an acquaintance Marine son came back from Afghanistan and is suffering from PTSD and is now forever a changed person. My point is, you've been to hell and back. That may have affected you.

    Living a life with depression is very difficult in itself. Loss of energy, lack of interest with daily activities, loss of motivation, gloomy outlook, lack of communication.... I understand what your wife and children are trying to say, but this isn't you. You are depressed and that's the only reason why. Nothing to be ashamed off, it could be worst?

    What I'm trying to say is, you have to fight this. Do it for yourself to get better or better manage your feelings/health and everything else will re-align itself. I would suggest that you continue to see your psychiatrist, and continue or restart your CBT. Why do I suggest restarting CBT? Because of silly statements "Personally I just think I've failed and am weak as there are loads of paramedics and fire fighters and doctors and we don't see them here." I'm only a high school graduate and I can break down that statement rather quickly and prove it's false. Also ask you doctor if there is any physical reason that you feel depressed and rule out any other illness? Go out for a walk daily and exercise. It doesn't have to be 2 hour sessions, just do the best you can. It helps clear the mind. Heck, there are alternative treatments for depression if you believe in quack therapy? Youtube John Bergman as an example. I didn't mean to bring out the word, "quack". What I meant to say was, eat healthy.

    It's not you. I hope I don't offend you or anyone else on this board with my opinion. I'm just trying to help. Personally, I'm not doing to hot either. Goodluck to you.
     
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  8. Aaron1F

    Aaron1F Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the sound advise I really appreciate people like you finding time to read my post and sending really helpful advise. Wish I could help others.
    Hope your OK mate
     
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  9. electricalanomaly

    electricalanomaly too sad to say hi.

    I sure am glad you responded, I was worried I was too direct. Your welcome.