The strange thing is having spent over ten years trying to save life and reducing suffering to people and critters I find myself here talking to people about self destructive thoughts. It's so embarrassing and so hard to see reason as to I feel like I do.Every day we see and read about poverty war and other terrible things happening all over the world but still can't shake this awful dreaded feeling. Settings aside of the self destructive thoughts I know it's cost me my family and relationship as my wife and children just don't understand why I feel the way I do and the fact I have become an empty shell of a person. I have become a person devoid of feeling other than morbid thoughts, withdrawn from all my friends and remaining family and isolate myself. I so hate myself for allowing myself to end up like I am now. Why do I do this I am ashamed of myself. The scary thing is I've had 3 episodes and now this one which is by far the worse but feel I can't ask for anymore help. Even reading other people's posts and seeing there age make me worse as I know they need the help the most. I had my chances and I've not been able to sort myself out.Its true what my partner said I have become a burden to her and our two little girls,I suck all the happiness and companionship from our family. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel has gone out.Whilst serving in the Fire and Rescue Service I was able to deal with many things and took pride in serving the community actually felt valued now I feel a burden to all.I no longer cry have nothing left I would spend hours hill hillwalking alone but in tears how stupid know that would fix nothing but now even functioning on a daily basis is such a challenge. Loosing family member and parents losing jobs cancer scares everything just keeps flying in hell bent on suppression and smothering you.This illness is consuming me and thinking Iam not inspiration for others right now as I mind is not in a good place and all reason and logical thought twisted as all I want to do right no is let go stop struggling to survive and surcome to illness. Im so sorry folks but thats why I feel so very guilty about all of this.