Guy I'm seeing told me he's married...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Nemo, Jan 8, 2014.

  1. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    I think this thread is in the right place...

    I've been seeing a guy for a while now and he's just told me he's married. I'm already emotionally invested and I know it's really bad of me to want to continue the relationship but I can't help myself from wanting to keep seeing him. He has said he's not told his wife and he doesn't intend to, and would like to keep seeing me.
    He is exactly what I was hoping to find, he's perfect for me, except he's married.
    This is really hard for me, because I know it would hurt his wife if she found out, and morally, obviously, it's wrong. But I don't know what to do. I'm finding it difficult to come up with reasons which out-weigh the good things about our relationship. On the one hand I don't want to hurt anybody, but I get so much out of our relationship, I don't want to go back to nothing and feel the way I did before. I know that's selfish.
    Please help, I don't know what to do!
     
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hello, you said you know that it is wrong, I think it is wise if you just leave him alone. For your sake and his family.

    I know it's hard for you, but it's the only right thing to do. He is married, and it's not like he was your boyfriend before he got married, so, it is clear you have to leave him. Also, I have to add this, he know that he's married, and he still want to see you, he's obviously not a good person. Unless if he want to get out from his marriage(broken marriage). The way I see it, he just want to fill his need.

    Please get out of this, you said you don't know what to do, but I'm not sure if you will do what I tell you, to leave him...
     
  3. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    He's not a bad person - I don't know what problems he is having with his wife, but we have more than a physical relationship. Much more. It's not just about the sex, it's not like that. It wasn't even from the start.
    I think the reason he chose to tell me was because he trusts me and maybe he is in a broken marriage, but we haven't spoken in-depth about it.
    It's just difficult to be sure of what to do when I don't know the whole picture.
    Essentially I feel guilty because logic tells me it's wrong, but emotionally, I could be giving up something that I may never find again. And that terrifies me. I know what I'm like on my own and that's not a good thing.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    HE is USING YOU ok so don't let your mind think it is something that it is not He is MARRIED he has a wife and who know children too but he is taken and HE has told you he has no plans on telling his wife. wake up ok he wants his cake and eat it too he wants everything and he will destroy not only YOU but his wife in the process

    Back away ok do the only thing that will protect you and his wife what a creep not even having the balls to tell his wife sorry you willl only lose here.
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    If he really loved you, he wouldn't have hid that from you to begin with. If you stay with him, he will never be just yours. You'll always be sharing him with someone else. You can find someone who's perfect for you who will just be yours.
     
  6. 1112222

    1112222 Well-Known Member

    If you stay, you are going to be nothing than his Mistress so The best option would be to stop seeing that bastard and move on.
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    hi,

    here's my point of view...

    i've been a mistress in a relationship i had before.. and i was in the same position, he did not tell me til i was already emotionally invested. i chose to continue seeing him, thinking maybe one day he would miraculously decide to leave his wife and kids behind for me (i was 18 at the time) .. as greedy as that sounds, back then, i was sooo needy of love, i didn't care where or how i got it, as long as i got it. i'm still that way to some extent i think, and i'm 39 now, but now i am able to discern a bit better.. but that's only because of the past experiences i've had, like this one. now, i really am not sure even to this day if the guy i was seeing was necessarily a "bad person", and i don't know that i ever will know that. i know he was having relationship issues with his wife, because... a few weeks later, she tracked me down. she went to my job, asked my boss where i was... boss lied and said she didn't know then told me... i came home that day, to find her parked outside my house, with her kids in the backseat. she asked to talk to me... what do i do at that point? so i said, ok... and she started off by saying that she doesn't think i am a bad person or even blame this on me, but that he had had affairs in the past. the fact that he even told me about her, in her opinion, meant that i must indeed mean something to him because he'd never been honest to the others in the past. they had been going to relationship counseling, and she was finding that wasn't wroking. she was desperate both to keep her family together and because she truly loved him. she actually asked me to become a third member of their relationship. as i said... i was young and totally needy of being loved, so i saw this as a way for both of us to get what we needed/wanted, and readily agreed. it got into all kinds of messes, and i regret it deeply.

    now... i say all that to say this: sometimes decisions we make, on the outside makes us appear as if we are bad people, but sometimes those decisions are reflections of problems we are having and others are unaware of. i do not think he is necessarily a bad guy. i do not think you are necessarily a bad person either. what i do think, is that this is a situation that will result in you getting hurt no matter how it turns out, best thing you can do for yourself, is to cut the ties before you get any deeper and thus get more hurt later. if in future, he divorces, you may like to rekindle your love, but keep in mind that you already know if it goes bad at any point in that relationship, that he will likely cheat on you and then ask yourself if thats something you would be able to live with. but in this situation, i'm not telling you to leave him because its the right thing to do morally... we both know that, but sometimes morals has nothing to do with what our heart wants/needs, i'm asking you to do this because despite what your heart may be telling you, leaving is what your heart TRULY needs.
     
  8. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies.
    I know what I should do, I just don't know if I will be able to cope afterwards. I am in love with him. It's not going to be easy and I'm feeling unsafe enough as it is. I don't have anybody who I can talk to IRL about this, since I relocated for a new job in September and have yet to make any real friends. I don't want to break down again and have to go through all that with my new colleagues. It was embarrassing enough at my last job.
    He is the only thing keeping me together and now I have to give him up. It's heartbreaking.
     
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i feel bad you are going through this, i know what it is to have nobody ... but if you don't do it now, there will be more pain later... the choice is ultimately yours and i for one will not fault you for whatever choice you make, i just want you to understand what the choices entail.....
     
  10. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    Thank you DemureDawn, I appreciate that you know what it is like. I have just never felt so irrevocably stuck in my entire life. It feels as though I'm choosing between happiness and pain, but I know the happiness option is fake.
     
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i can completely understand ... and i know that you are fighting within yourself too because most likely even "being the other woman" was never something you imagined for yourself, much less something that you'd imagine yourself being accepting of or even possibly considering being accepting of... and that battle imposes scars on you too... i remember it well. but yes, sadly, the happiness option, in this case, is fake..... i just hate to see you get more hurt than "needed", although i sincerely believe no pain is "needed" by people... in this case though, you already are in pain, your options are more or less... continue the pain, or cry "uncle" now and walk away...
     
  12. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    Any option I choose, I lose.
    I am seeing him on Saturday, so I supposed I have to get up the courage by then :(
    There really are no rewards for doing the right thing. Just hurting.
    I really appreciate your help though, thank you
     
  13. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    You're going to get hurt sooner or later. He's lying to his wife and it's more than likely that he's lying to you too. Dishonest people have a tendency to be dishonest, honest people don't do that sort of thing.
    There are definitely rewards for doing the right thing - maintaining your integrity for starters.
     
  14. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I've seen and witnessed this type of situations before, Get out before you further invest more time into this relationship.

    Men are dogs. There is nothing complicated than that. He's toying with his wife knowing she is the home base if something happens to you and his relationship. He will always come home to his wife. What is the purpose of hiding around starting a relationship based on lies. Will he do the same thing to you once he "eventually" leave his wife if that ever happens. I'm friends/coworker with the "dog" in this situation he just likes different women and wants the mama of his children always be there for him. Its not fair in all levels but for selfish reasons he wants to continue doing this because he's been getting away with it. Its entertaining to watch but to be part of... Not so entertaining.
     
  15. ava321

    ava321 Active Member

    he will do the same thing to you... it's not a habit that gets broken because they find "the one."

    not all men are dogs, but that type is.. please save yourself a lot of heartbreak and walk away now.
     
  16. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    sounds like a guy who's in need of lot of appreciation and love himself.
    it's hurting you and he can find people to raise his ego elsewhere, sadly

    hope it goes well tomorrow
     
  17. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Nemo. That's a rough spot for you, I'm sure.

    This man is not honoring his commitment to his wife. That makes him "dishonorable." Having made the commitment of marriage vows, he could (should?) work on his marriage rather than seek out other women on the side. At the very least, he could (should?) be legally separated from his wife before he is dating/seeing others.

    YOU deserve better than being the other woman. If he is seeing you on the side, is he seeing others, too? If he would do it to his wife, he would probably do it to you, too.

    As hard as it is, because you have become invested in the relationship, consider that you deserve to be with someone who is fully with YOU and not sneaking about behind his wife's back. You really do deserve better.

    I hope that doesn't come across too harshly. It's just that it's not fair for any of you. And statistically, you, the "other woman" are the one most likely to be hurt and dropped in the end.
     
  18. Nemo

    Nemo Well-Known Member

    I don't want to seem ungrateful - I do take on board everything you've all been saying, and I know I have to end it, but (and I know this is going to sound childish an naïve but I really believe it's true) our relationship isn't just about sex. He's not using me for sex and he didn't seek me out because he thought I would be easy to get into bed. I'm not like that. I have too many scars to think lightly about being intimate with someone that way. If anything, he has been the only guy to tell me I'm beautiful without me having to take my clothes off first. He's not a bad person, and I know that's probably the most logical thing to think when someone is cheating on their wife, but I truly don't think he'd do this unless our relationship meant more than the consequences he'd have to face if his wife found out. I guess I just wanted to validate that. It's not just a fling, which is why it is going to be so damn hard to walk away.
     
  19. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    It is your life. My coworker, the dog,misn't a bad guy either, he will say nicest things to all ladies at work to make their day. He is actually a nice guy to anybody he works with. Everyone got their flaws.
     
  20. mbczion

    mbczion Well-Known Member

    FWIW, having just come from a LOUSY marriage, I can understand why some men would cheat on their wives. If I weren't a religious man, I might have been tempted to cheat on my ex myself. I was neglected, if not verbally/mentally abused in my marriage and I could certainly understand the appeal of having a "mistress" who TRULY understood my feelings, comforted me, and made me feel good about myself (the opposite of how my ex related to me).