Guys change their minds about the relationship once they find out I am sick

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by stuckinchicago6, Aug 8, 2010.

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Have you ever had a bf change their mind about you because you are "sick"?

  1. Yes

    9 vote(s)
    52.9%
  2. No

    8 vote(s)
    47.1%
  1. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Has anybody had a partner change their mind about a relationship once they find out you have some sort of mental illness or depression or ED or whatever??

    I think I always try to act normal, but when I start having problems with a guy, he suddenly changes his mind. It seems that men are not very forgiving when it comes to this. They want somebody who can be a perfect partner and a perfect mother and a girl with some sort of mental illness just can not be that.
    Recently, I was hospitalized due to fainting from throwing up and the dehydration that came along with the throwing up. I opened up to this guy and told him what happened and that I have suffered from bulimia for a long time. He already suspected I had depression and was making comments to me every time we would fight, he would make comments that I need to go see a doctor rather than constantly bothering him. Keep in mind that our fights were due to me suspecting that he was lying and him not keeping promises.

    Can anybody suggest how I should deal with this? Is there any way for him to think I am less crazy??? It is obvious that he feels disrespected by me due my my stupid text messages and other craziness when things don't go right, but this was not really my intention. I just don't like the lying and the making promises and I have major abandonment issues already. Plus, I rather have the truth instead of him lying to satisfy me.

    All the same, I recently discovered that he has been involved in something very disgusting. I was not going to say what this was, but here goes. Basically, I found out he has been having an affair with an older woman for money.
    Please keep in mind, that I haven't confronted him about this woman and I do not intend to because I don't need him to think I am even crazier by him finding out that I was being nosy online because that is how I discovered this. Anyway, When I say this woman is older, I mean about 60. He is 25. Most people would tell me to let him go after finding this out, but I still like him regardless because I believe that when you truly want to be with a person it should be unconditional, so why can't he feel the same for me??? Why are guys like this?? Girls can love unconditionally, but men want you to be an angel? Also, I realize not all guys are like this so please don't get mad at me for talking about my experiences. I also noticed that my cousin who has mental illness went through similar issues with her ex-husband. She loved him unconditionally, but when the going got tough due to her problems, he let her go. He is now remarried to a "nice" girl.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2010
  2. Lost.

    Lost. Well-Known Member

    I've been pushed away for being depressed by women before, so this idea of 'girls loving unconditionally' is a bit of an extreme generalization. Shallowness can abound in both sexes.

    I think it's just sociobiology.

    Unconsciously, we all want a mate who can produce a mentally and physically healthy child.

    Not too mention the instability factor of depression is just something that a lot of people don't want to deal with.

    It sucks, but...you'll find a kindred soul that can rise above that.
     
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I've only been in one relationship, and I can't say he left me because of any of my illnesses.
    I'm not really sure what his reason was, actually.
    He stayed with me for 8 years--- through alot of shit. He just got bored, I guess.

    I am scared that I won't be accepted in a future relationship though. (if I EVER decide I want one)
    It's not just depression/agoraphobia that makes me 'sick'... or the fact that I'm kinda eccentric- but I have several fairly serious health problems as well that most people don't even know a thing about.
    And I'm sure knowing about it- for anyone- would make them look at me differently and pity me. I really don't want that.


    Being completely serious though... who *hasn't* been depressed at some point in their life? I don't know a single person who hasn't had at least ONE panic attack before - who hasn't thought once 'I wish I were dead'.
    I feel like this 'sickness' you're talking about is alot more common than people may think.
    For me-- it's not such a big deal that I'd break off a relationship just because of it.
    Several of my friends are bi-polar; which makes things hard sometimes, but I know that's just the way they are and whenever they blow up--- give 'em awhile to cool down and forget about it.
    If you care about a person - any 'sickness' does not make them less desirable to have as a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, it just makes things a bit more difficult sometimes. A weak person might not be able to deal with it, but I feel bad for them for not trying because they're probably missing out by pre-judging someone as something that they are not.

    fuck them. They're not worth your time, chicago!
     
  4. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    With the rather.. "unusual" affair and the lies, are you sure that this is actually a relationship you want to be in?

    "I still like him regardless because I believe that when you truly want to be with a person it should be unconditional, so why can't he feel the same for me???"

    I know you think you still want to be with him, but is it possible that maybe you're just scared of being alone? Its really common, and in all honesty this doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship for anyone to be in, let alone someone dealing with bulimia and depression.
     
  5. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Be fair. Girls do it too.
     
  6. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replies everybody. Kitty, I do think they are missing out by prejudging and thanks for letting me look at in in that way. I don't think there is a single person who has never been depressed, angry, or lonely. The only reason I say "sickness" is because that is what most people who like to label view it as.

    Rayne, you are right in some respect. Perhaps, I am willing to compromise more because I think people are making sacrifices by being with me. The thing is that I am a forgiving person and while I still think what he is doing is wrong, I can understand it and not want to give up based on that. I am painfully afraid of being alone though. I have experienced so much loss the past few years and seen so many people alone that I constantly live in fear. Still, I do not just settle for anybody. I really like him for him, or rather who he had me believe he was.

    Aoeu, there is no doubt that girls do it too. I am just speaking from my experiences that I have known guys who have very little tolerance for hard times, whereas many girls and women I know are willing to put up with much more. Personally, I am not one of those girls that would judge a guy based on labels and actually, I like a little craziness and colorfulness. I also believe in getting to know somebody rather than knowing about somebody. Knowing somebody and knowing about them are two different things and I always think it is important to like somebody for them, rather than letting what we know about depression/bipolar/ or whatever define a person and listening to what other people have to say about a person.

    WITH EVERYTHING BEING SAID, THERE ARE STILL SOME DAYS WHERE I FEEL AT A DISADVANTAGE OR ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A HANDICAP WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS BASED ON THE "SICKNESS" I AM GOING THROUGH. My mom doesn't help when she tells me that people are never going to like me with the way I act. :(
     
  7. mcviking

    mcviking Well-Known Member

    I'll leave out my own horror stories of women and their cruelty. But come one girl if this guy is lying to you why would you want to stay? Your anxiety and questions were obviously right. You need to ask him if he is with someone else, if he says no then you drop him right then and there. Because you know the truth. This situation is only going to get worse and you will be hurt more. Let him have his hot grandma and go find a real man who can love you and respect you, cause he obviously doesn't.
     
  8. Rayne

    Rayne Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry if I came across the wrong way, I really don't think that you settle for anyone! More that you really liked this guy, but now he's being less than charming, you're fear of not finding anyone else you like as much could be almost forcing you to stay.

    I think this pretty much says it all. Though in all fairness, I think you need to remember that even someone completely "healthy", emotionally and mentally, would really struggle to leave someone they had feelings for. Its never easy, but you need to ask yourself if it needs to be done.


    "WITH EVERYTHING BEING SAID, THERE ARE STILL SOME DAYS WHERE I FEEL AT A DISADVANTAGE OR ALMOST LIKE I HAVE A HANDICAP WHEN IT COMES TO DEALING WITH PEOPLE AND RELATIONSHIPS BASED ON THE "SICKNESS" I AM GOING THROUGH. My mom doesn't help when she tells me that people are never going to like me with the way I act."


    How cruel of her. I hope you understand, at least on some level, that she is so, so wrong. Just as there are women that can't deal with men who have any sort of issue in their lives (as was discussed a little earlier), there are men who can deal with these things. I suppose the only thing you can really do is be honest about whats going on in your life - cliche, but anyone who really loves you will love every part of you, even the more grim parts of your past and present - and wait. All of this is a lot easier said than done, though.
     
  9. Pow

    Pow Well-Known Member

    This guy is obviously not worth your time, trust and love. I think you should leave him there right on the spot, I know it may be difficult to come to terms with it but you really don't want to be in a relationship like this in the long run.
    You have the right mind set when you said "I believe that when you truly want to be with a person it should be unconditional", every so often you come across these low lives like him and they aren't worth any of your love. You will find someone who will.
    Stay strong and don't let him get the better of you.
     
  10. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Mcviking, Rayne, and Pow- thanks a bunch for your replies and support. Hopefully, I will find somebody one day who loves all of me and hopefully all of us on this forum who still haven't found that special person will also get to experience an unconditional type of love. Besides for the depression, I am an extremely sensitive person naturally. This makes everything sooooo hard especially relationships! Anyway, I am trying to be strong right now and lay low for a while. He can do whatever he wants. I recently changed my cell number not because of him, but I was getting a ton of private calls due to a car I was selling and I'm kind of sick sitting around always looking at my phone anyway. At least now, I have no reason to look at it with the number changed, no calls. I still haven't given out my number to anybody and I don't think I will for a while. Maybe a few weeks off the radar will help. I sometimes think it is good to make your absence felt. I just feel a little stupid now for telling him about the bulimia. Oh well. At least I was honest with him about an important aspect of my life unlike him. If somebody can not appreciate my honesty and me trusting them enough to tell them something that personal then whatever!
    Hugsssss
     
  11. Stray

    Stray Account Closed

    He cheated on you, have some self respect and leave him. Also people who have not had hardship and bad mental health themselves can not understand what we are going through, i find that the most supportive people are the ones that have been there themselves.
     
  12. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    I guess what you have to seriously consider is settling for less. If your partner is cheating on you and can't accept your mental illness I'll tell you what there's a million guys out there who would be willing to put up with (and accept) you. There's guys out there who will let a girl walk all over them because that's how desperate they are. A guy who cheats on his girlfriend is a guy with options and you're just going to have to balance out what you value more - someone who has the options to cheat on you (probably high quality in terms of sexual attractiveness and in demand) or someone who has no options (probably a nerd) but will remain loyal and faithful.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2010
  13. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    Actually, he is not on the attractive spectrum. Most people can not understand why I like him. I am not one to go for looks and I disagree with you. It is not about options. It is about lack of self-esteem when it comes to cheating. I know because I've been there and I'm ashamed to admit that I've cheated before during a dark point in my life when I seen no hope and I was seeking people out because of lack of security. Finally, I'm not looking to walk all over a guy. I am somewhat submissive. I just want honesty and loyalty, not necessarily fidelity and I will never settle for less. To tell somebody to settle for less is really low. I encourage all people to seek out somebody they really want to love, rather than settling out of loneliness. Also, physical attractiveness sometimes has zero to do with personality. I know plenty of people who fit into the nerdy category and are completely obnoxious and self-absorbed. Then again, I know lots of hot looking people who are desperate and lonely. Confidence is what it all boils down to.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 11, 2010
  14. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    That was the point I was making though. You want someone who is confident - someone who is confident will be someone who has options. I didn't say anything about looks. If you want honesty and loyalty, you will need to settle for a 'nice guy' who is submissive and a walk-over. Otherwise you're just going to have to accept that the kind of guys you are attracted to will probably cheat on you at some point when you lose your good looks.

    See below article:

    I get a lot of emails from guys who read my articles that say things like...

    "I'm sure what you're saying is right, but I don't want to be a jerk or an a**hole to women..."

    "I have seen what you're talking about happen all my life, but I'm a 'nice guy' and I want women to like me for me..."

    ...and...

    "This doesn't make sense..."

    I'd like to address these ideas.

    Up until about 5 years ago, I was THE nice guy of nice guys. As a matter of fact, when I first made the decision to learn how to be successful with women, this actually created an obstacle for me.

    Let me explain...

    Because I believed that "being a nice guy" MUST be the way to success with women, I ACTUALLY COULDN'T EVEN PERCEIVE ANY OTHER WAY.

    In other words, I could see a situation where a woman was attracted to a mean, abusive guy and think to myself that either she must be screwed up in the head, or THAT THE GUY MUST BE REALLY NICE TO HER THE REST OF THE TIME.

    As you probably know, it's hard to convince a person to believe something when they already have a belief about the topic. The person that you're trying to convince just uses whatever you say to convince themselves that they're actually right... and you're wrong.

    Well, I did the exact same thing.

    No matter how much evidence I found to the contrary, I still somehow believed that being a "nice" guy, buying women flowers and gifts, taking them out, and generally letting them be in control of the relationship HAD to be the way to attract them.

    Well, after continuing along the same path and getting the same results, I realized something that literally
    changed EVERYTHING for me.

    I realized that JERKS do, in fact, attract hot women.

    Selfish behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes women feel attracted to you.

    Sarcasm, ball busting, playing hard to get, and all kinds of other "illogical" things really do work when it comes to attracting women.

    But then I had a dilemma...

    I love the idea of being successful with women, but I HATE the idea of mistreating people, being mean to them, lying and misleading, etc.

    Deep down, I want to be a good guy.

    I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work, and to attract women without being ABUSIVE.

    The good news is that THERE IS a way.

    But it requires that you put aside your current ideas for just long enough to entertain some new ones.

    First, let me say that I believe I've found a way to take the things that JERKS do to attract women and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds... you can be nice to women on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want, and what REALLY attracts them.

    So WHY DO WOMEN BECOME ATTRACTED TO JERKS?

    The short answer is that they don't CHOOSE it, it's something that just HAPPENS.

    ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE.

    It's an emotional response to certain things.

    Women don't CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for jerks any more than YOU choose to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for young, beautiful, hardbodied women.

    Nature has pre-programmed MEN with a mechanism that works like this:

    SEE HOT WOMEN ---> FEEL ATTRACTION

    Well, women have a similar mechanism. But I think that the female version is MORE COMPLEX.

    Yes, women do feel attraction for extremely handsome men... but they feel a MUCH STRONGER ATTRACTION for certain PERSONALITY TRAITS and BEHAVIORS than they do for physical looks alone.

    So again, the short answer is that it's just something that "happens" inside of a women. She doesn't "choose" it.

    So what is it about the "jerk" that creates this powerful, uncontrollable ATTRACTION inside of women?

    Let me answer first by telling you what IT'S NOT:

    It's NOT the abuse (not usually anyway). I don't believe that women are attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the "jerk personality".

    I think that jerks JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that that they literally make women BLIND to the abuse... women will rationalize and excuse the abusive behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.

    Here's a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION:

    -Unpredictability
    -Uncontrollable
    -Challenge
    -Dominance

    Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started for this discussion.

    The qualities I've listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural "attraction mechanism" inside of women.

    Jerks have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little "too far".

    But because they're still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.

    So what does this mean to you?

    Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good guy and attract women at the same time.

    You're probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way, become a little more comfortable being challenging to women, etc. But in the end, you'll find that this will get you what you want, and still allow you to treat women well... all on your own terms.

    It also means that instead of being the guy who women talk to about their relationship problems, and how their mean jerk boyfriend is being abusive again... you can be the guy who they're dating and sleeping with!

    Yes!

    This weekend I'd like you to think about what I've said here in this article.

    Think about how you can cultivate the four qualities that I've mentioned above into your personality.
     
  15. LSD

    LSD Well-Known Member

    just one
    cuz he coudlnt he with someone who doesnt love herself
    meh
     
  16. stuckinchicago6

    stuckinchicago6 Well-Known Member

    It is not about being a nice guy or a mean guy. The girl has to like you and I am sick of hearing that most women are attracted to jerks. I wouldn't go out with a guy if he was a jerk in the first place and actually, I am not the type of person that is turned on by bad boy behavior. That is what turns me off. The bottom line is that people change with relationships. The guy who was a nerd and nice and seemed submissive in the beginning might not be the same person a few months or years down the line. It seems that once somebody has your attention and they know it, they totally change.
     
  17. Ihatemyselfalot

    Ihatemyselfalot Banned Member

    Trust me, if a guy changes his mind on you because of how you are, then you deserve soooo much better.
     
  18. Socialman

    Socialman Well-Known Member

    I told a girl I suffered from depression. She said I needed to find God, grow a pair, get confidence, and remember it's all in my head. She literally attacked me and said that it was not alright like I was some sort of criminal.
     
  19. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Wow. She'll have fun finding a boyfriend with something between his ears(meaning she'll end up with some tool bag that's 4000000000000000 times worse then you).

    There are still people out there that are smart, and don't judge. I haven't found an awful lot, but they are around here somewhere...
     
  20. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry... just - right now... the way I'm imagining this person...
    she sounds like a crazy bible-thumping b**ch who knows very little about the real world and refuses to open her eyes.
    I would *not* waste my time with her type if I were you.

    At the very least, there are many christian girls who would accept you the way you are and try to give you positive reinforcement than tell you to change; and "you're crazy and not normal".

    That's just the picture I'm getting... of course, I never met her. I'm sure she was a perfectly nice girl with lots going on upstairs. -___-

    ~

    I feel like there are 2 kinds of people.
    People like me who FEEL too much, get emotional, get depressed, open their eyes and see and are aware...
    And then there are people like... my brother- for example.
    He's a perfectly nice person, sure-- but he just does not understand how someone could not like himself. He sees things in black and white and doesn't really try to understand anything-- but would rather dismiss a person as being 'crazy' being 'weird' being 'broken'

    We might see and feel things differently.
    They just can't accept that people are different- and that is FINE. It is fine that people are different. Not everyone is lucky enough to be healthy, not everyone is lucky enough to have had a great childhood. Shit happens to people.

    Don't just 'see the forest for the trees' > but go further and see the forest for the animals that live in the trees and the plants that grow in the piles of shit beneath the trees and the VAST sky and world around the trees and the forest.

    end of not well thought out rant.