Guys please read this....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Stylez, Feb 23, 2008.

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  1. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Look, please listen for a moment. I know there are no magic words to ignite a drive in you if you are suffering from anthing related to suicide. With hope such a banel word when it relates to suicide, I will try my best to use words that relate to you, to show you i understand how it feels to be suicidal. Your point of view is the true point of view in your life, so i will understand if this doesn't get much activity...but i hope you just read for a moment.

    I have not been to this forum for over a year and the reason being that I am no longer suicidal and didn't want to involve myself into potential triggers. However I now know that nothing can trigger me to the extent of thinking my life is not worth living I know how this sounds, it's just words on a page. I don't know how you feel, but i do know how i felt and getting into to much detail may disinterest you or trigger you from reading on....

    Is it like sleeping was the greatest gift someone can give you and waking up was a let down? Drugs can be an issue in the fact that you just want to feel...different from the way you feel now.

    Young, old, male or female, it doesn't matter we're all human. the emotions of hopelessness and not ever feeling happy has the potential to be in all of us at one time or another.

    Illness as I am diagnosed is Bipolar. I am currently treated by anti depressants and counsoling once a week. Other factors that helped me overcoming this a great friendly environment, a great job with people my own age, and schooling. socializing is key and I want to socialize with you.....ask anything you me ask for my skype name, anything that gets you to socialize. That's it. It's better to socialize with positive people who've been thru the obstacles and learned from them, to a fellow person who is going thru the strife you are at this moment. That is my opinion.

    For people that want to read on...i will talk about what i want to be instead of what i went through...Peer group counsoler. Bouncing off eachother with psychological disorders in talking about our own experiences and talking about how we solved those experiences. I host a chat room on skype about this, and if any of you want to set up a time we can def. do that. Alright guys its always hard to type what to say when there's no feedback but please take a chance in replying with me, you have nothing to lose truly.

    Stay safe guys
  2. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Here's a response of mine in a recent thread:

    just the fact that you have an outlet like the forums is a great step forward. But a forum and a real person with a live body and/or voice is different. I think you and everybody who suffers from depression to this level needs some counceling to just get them through their life at the moment. The MOMENT is the key word here each moment till you live each day. listen to audio podcasts, audio books, join a skypecast, write poetry, learn the piano, etc. FIND something to live for. look up an excellent psych. that would able to help you with your brain chemistry. Because i feel the majority of people with suicidal thoughts continuously for over a week or two has chronic depression and this can be greatly reduced with the right mix of meds. You have nothing to lose here girl, except a potentially better life! Stay safe, and pm me when you ever need to talk.

    I want you guys to know who I am and what I'm about. so hopefully my posts enlighten at least a little bit to make you think about your life.
  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    That's a great message. Hearing about someone defeating depression always lifts my spirits and I'm happy for you. :) I hope more people will read your message and let it sink to the heart, all the right feelings are in there. Kudos to you for posting it.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thx for posting, i'm so glad that you are much happier and healthier.

    i hope to rejoin the living very soon! when i joined here i was 99% want to die and 1% want to live. now it's about 40% against 60% want to live.... what tipped the scales? i reached out and got some help - yes, a live person - and am keeping busy trying new strategies in this struggle against depression. thing is, i knew my brain was lying to me, trying to kill me, i was just so exhausted i couldn't remember anything good, i didn't have much hope. i now have hope and it's made all the difference.

  5. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    glad to hear you are doing a lot better. Keep well and follow your ambitions!
  6. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    That’s a great post, I agree 100%. I want to clarify the word "counseling," it's not only confined to professionals with degrees. Your best friend, sibling, bf/gf, parent etc. can be your counselor. For me it was my best friend, without whom I might not have gotten over some serious hurdles I've faced. btw I’m glad to hear your doing a lot better these days. :smile:
  7. Alienation...that was a really refreshing read! You wear your empathy on your sleeve, and you seem to be able to reach people "where they're at" instead of passing out platitudes. I'm so glad you're doing so infinitely better! And I admire your ambitions (as well as the challenge you're taking on). I think you'll do well indeed and... Your post made me smile! :smile:
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Good to know you are well :hug:
  9. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Just read this now so thought i'd bump it up! :biggrin:

    Thanks!! Great post, you are totally right in every aspect. I understand that being on here can be triggering for you but i hope you come back as it is great to add to the voice of hope on this site!

    Lets break down the stigma surrounding mental illness!! :smile:
  10. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Care to explain what your hopes and dreams are? It might inspire yourself more if you write down what you love. I feel you....seriously. I mean "keeping busy" is also the key. If you can't "live" in your bed due to responsibilities that hopefully you enjoy, the chance is always there to overcome the depression.

    I should say schooling and a job is not for everybody at this moment. I mean you have to take it step by step guys. People who say "get a job!" just don't understand. If not a job, why not go outside someplace, if it's good weather out. Go, anything really. Skies the limit when it comes to your life. If you look at it like that you might have a good chance to view your life as not a hinderance, but a gift.

    I mean jeez guys, what do you want in life...anything you want, tell me. Not what you wish as in passing away but what you want that will make you feel better and livlier than you feel now.

    I'm happy for myself for the job I have. I work in retail and I just got the position to be in charge of community service for the company. I volunteer currently to an out patient center with people with psychological disorders. To see newcomers come in to the Depression Support group every thursday, I feel so motivated to understand where they're coming from. I want to basically know them as people instead as "depressed people," you understand?

    It's not like I woke up one day and felt better. I wish you guys can meet me, if only by voice. Journey was a journey. obstacles, stumbles, what have you. Just remember when you DO get better stay humble alright? Compassion grows in you when you defeat an obstacle. That's why volunteering is such a fulfilling thing.

    I have so many point of views it's hard to explain. Fight the good fight guys....
  11. trux

    trux Well-Known Member

    I'm happy to hear you're doing good. Being positive is what I've always been trying to do, but it's hard to stay that way when things keep getting worse and worse
  12. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    Leadership, Fulfillment, Social ability. I feel these are the keys of my life. If you view my history I'm sure you will find me today a totally different person. I'm happy to say I just organized a meetup group on Check it out. This is leadership

    I just got accepted as a volunteer for a local domestic abuse shelter. I cofacilliatate a group of different weekly subjects with kids of domestically abused mothers. This is fulfillment

    I was just recognized as a "GapCard Champion" at my place of work. I was invited to a meeting with all the head of stores at various Gaps in the area for my ability to connect with customers and ultimatly selling a Gap Card to them. This is Social ability.

    I don't know what this thread is about but i just wanted to show you what life can be for you! This is no joke guys. If you want to read on, read these two pieces of poems. I know these should be in the poetry section but please read. These are my newest material. Two new poems here guys:

    I aspire:

    I aspire to be inspirational/To give people what I haven't been taught/ but instead what I've been thru as an experience in success sought/Maybe not in wealth/but success in self/When you look in my eyes I want people to see the eyes of a person who's been thru something/unexplainable/explained only acutly in rhyme/To read my poetry page by page advancing in time/you will know/that I'm not an average guy when it comes to depth/subjects from the ultimate self crime of suicide tries/to the other half/ to live for her all the same/ to make the pen flow like i was from a different planet/ a different plain/I am on the brink/ of a new consciousness/people will wonder in astonishment/ to what this man has been thru/I've been thru the life of accomplishment/again of not wealth/but self/thru the abyss filled with green crocks/ like being pelted by rocks/being put down like the bastards were taught/you see i came thru/ i came thru the boondocks/To be where I'm at/ A poetry pheen back on the Miami Dade Map/To do what I can and to try what I can't/To be the stand up guy/with the heart of a saint/But that's beside the point/I've been thru many obstacles/many stumbles /But my shit ain't the worst so i gotta stay humble on this God's green earth/I'll ride the surf/the wave of humble confidence/To be assertive in saying the boundries of me aren't meant to be jocking with/don't try it/may of been weak before/but that was before it/before time passed to make the wounds heal/to make me stronger by my own self will/ I call your bluff/ go deal/man its me its what i do/i know who i am/ who are you


    Poetry to me is the relaxer, relater, and the realest form of communication between me and you. It relaxes the form of the mind and the soul. It brings the heat and the cold of my consciousness to keep me real to keep me in my role. My role is to be humble assertive and empathetic to the people around me. I've been thru the sticks the swamps and the rough seas/to come up to the surface up to level ground/I lasted bro/I lasted the twelve rounds/I lasted the hurricane/I stepped up/to achieve my crown/enjoyed the highs swallowed the downs/enjoyed the smiles/swallowed the frowns/taken care of me now/ my purpose is set/to pay the personal debt/to catching this feeling to people like a fish in a net/ When I was down in the depths I promised to end it the next time it got ruff/A year ago I thought this/to end it when it got ruff/to have enough/of life/fuck a career a kid and a wife/just give me the pills the gun and the knife/no more future hurts/no more future pains/just lay me in the dirt/and I'll never be the same/Well I beat it bro… I overcame/I destroyed it/I killed it all the same/I achieved my personal fame/to have the knowledge courage and the heart/to give my life a chance/to give it a start/to empty the garbage of suicidal ideation depression and social anxiety/To become righteous loving and letting the past fly by me/You got to hear me/Your life starts and ends in the now/ the moment of suicide will pass/It's a moment/a fraction of your life/Think of yourself as the teacher of Christ/Teach him the things that you experienced/what you overcame/what you know in your heart is the right thing to live by/you may not believe it yourself/but teach him nonetheless hide the signs/ of self doubt/because nobody is a mind reader/So teach what you know is right/Soon it will become you/ you'll be the sight/the eyes/of a person who's been through something/that no one can explain/but they know you're still here all the same/you're from a different plain/a higher form of life/they'll see/that you overcame/ It'll become who you are/It's become who I am/ A man who has been through the life of hard knocks/the life of fights fought/and I won bro/I came through the boondocks/to be the leader of me/to be the teacher of you/the teacher of life/the teacher of Christ/
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 29, 2008
  13. bleach

    bleach Well-Known Member

    This is the most depressing thread hands down..
  14. Stylez

    Stylez Well-Known Member

    I want you to understand bro.... after a lot of searching...this is my very first post....can you understand how i was? Please don't take this as a grain of salt. This is REAL. skype me or add me on myspace. justko23

    6:15 p: I'm a 21 year old and had a lot of different groups of friends in high school but by the end all those bridges were burned due to me not knowing how to act, afraid to act stupid, and just be a doormat to the point were when i was teased, (somebody kicken my chair, name calling) i just say to myself this is not happening and not saying a thing.

    alienation: knowing the feeling going into every past or future relationship with anybody,knowing in the back of my head that this relationship is going to end, in resentment, in disrespect or downright disgust for me not doing shit ever.

    All that stuff doesn't matter now because Im in a new place. I'm seeing a therapist, taking medication, etc, but it doesn't matter because I now is unable to think because all i care about is how others perceive me and can't register an answer to the most basic of questions. I feel I've been verbally and emotionally raped again like in highschool. It's been like this for a month since visiting where i used to live and it brought back so many flashbacks in my unconscious mind I could barley talk. I have never recovered...

    I can't communicate with people. I have no interests that could hold a conversation with a person my age. I don't know anything about music, clubs, hot spots, the news, I'm just ignorant. I can't see anybody in the eye anymore, i don't have opinions on anthing, I do things mean to other people for no reason. Like snaping at this gym girl the day after last because i thoujght she said "bye" in a disrespectful way. I have dillusions on whats happeneing to the point i don't know whats real anymore. I say to myself your not a loser but if you have no hobbies no interests and no backbone, maybe ending it would be better. the only reason I don't do it is because i die inside when i see my mother tear up because she can't understand me.

    But that feeling is fading a litte by a little, because it seems like i want people to feel sorry for me and to rationalize all the stupid things that happens to me. I hate it. It's not worth it. I will never want to die a "thousands" deaths again. I'm not strong enough. They won...I'm the loser, and I cant bare the thought of people thinking that about me again.

    This is just the tip of the iceberg I still havent gone into people questioning my sexuality because i never stand up for myself. It just sickens me to think people think that about me. I have a identity crises not a sexually identity crises. People don't seem to understand the difference. So if people think I'm gay, thats the lowest of the lows right there. I seriously think i may hurt a person if he says to me at my face that I"m a loser or a fag. It's not worth it. Why live a thousand lives. I feel i am off the path and the only way to make it right with everybody, the future victims of me alienating them, my family, and just the hurt i feel everytime i wake up, is to end it.

    Im not looking for sympathy, i just want to hear how another's life is as bad as mine....
  15. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    It's good to see someone turning their life around, I hope you can stick around and help others.
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