Well, I'm in an awful lot of pain. I have Rhuemtoid arthritis and its really bad lately. It's killing my hands to type this. I normally have that software (see my other thread) but I cant get it to work, and I can't bring in the computer until Monday or Tuesday. If anyone can help me, Let me know- I think its some settings that are wrong, because it worked fine before the guy rebooted teh computer. I hate being in so much pain....
I am bipolar, like I said. I have been very depressed lately about the pain, about the problems with my family- (they give me a really hard time. I spetn some timie with my mom today and it went well, but my dad is really brutal to me and my sister hates my guts. They say all kinds of mean, hurtful things and I try to aviod them, but that's hard because I have to depend on them for rides everywhere. I live alone, but I can't afford a car (I'm living on disability and its not that much m oney) so when I have to go shopping for food or to a doctor's office, (and it seems like i have to go all the time) I need my dad or sister to drive me, and I put up with their insults teh entire time. My dad tells me dalily how I am a burden on him and he wishes I were out of his life. He knows of my suicide attempts.....
Overall, I am really depressed. I came VERY close to taking my own life three day s ago (I had the thing I was going to use to killl myself in my hands, and literally went through all the preparations only stopping before actually taking any action (Im being vague bc we can't talk about methods) but suffice to say I came really close. I still have suiicdal feelings. I promised my counselor I would call a hotline if it came to that, but the truth is, last time I called a hotline it wasn't very helpful. THe guy only letme talk for a few minutes. Maybe he didn't think I was serious. I was in the hospital for attempted suicide two months ago, when I took pills bu then called fo r help before I became affected by them. That was a fiasco. I called Posion control and asked if what I had taken would be fatal, they said it could be and I hung up. they called back to ask if I was the one who had taken it, and I hung up again. Then the police showed up....and a trip to the hospital and this awful characoal stuff to drink that made me throw up....sorry, tmi...its not a great experience to have....I really hope no one here has to go through it ever.
I hope mentioning the pills insn't too much like mentioning a method, I needed to explain that I did call for help (sort of) in the actual middle of a suicide attempt,and I won't say any more details like the kind of pills.... I'm sorry if that is too graphic.....
Anyway, I am feeling quite depressed. I still dont' have my facebook accoutn back and I lost most of my contacts from my gmail account. A hacker broke into my computer and took over all my email acounts. I had to cancel my paypal account because he tried to steal money out of it, and he got into my voice mail and was listening to my message online and deleting them before I could ge tthem. He contacted a bunch of my friends asking for money, claimng to be me He also stole all my money from my adsenhse account. He wrote to my 85 year old grandmother 7 times and got her so upset. My parents. of course, blamed me for this whole thing and gave me no end of a hard time. I had to close my gmail account and all my contacts were in there. I dont' know how to get in touch with half those people. Many of them were peopel who I wrote back and forth to online for years, but dont' actually know their last names. And I'm locked out of facebook too. I really miss my facebook account, I don't know if I'll ever get it back. Facebook has like no customers service- there is no number you can call or email address where you can write to them and explain what is going on. All You can do is fill out a form and its not letting me do that for some reason. So I still have this fb account up with my picture on it and all my info but its being controlled bysome scammer from Nigeria, and I don't know what to do.
I'm really depressed. Suicide seems like such a good choice right now. I am fightign those feelings, but it seems like its time to give in. I have struggled with suicidal feelings and sucide attempts for years. Sometimes I thik I'm destined to commit suicide and its only a matter of time. So why wait? Get it over with. I'm sorry......I am really fighting, for my friends, not myself I don't want to hurt my friends. I only have a couple of good ones, but I really care about them....sad to say none of them live close to where I do. They are friends from college who I've known for a few years, but they don't live anywhere where I can get together wiht them. I really think I need to move, I need to be in a place where I can get around, but I don't know how to even find a place that I can afford that's in a good location. I can't walk very far anymore- I used to be able to walk to the mall and spend all day there- eat out, shop, read in the bookstore - its about two miles round trip so its a bit of a walk- and now I can't do that anymore. I can barely get my mail, without agonizing pain and fatigue, much less walk two miles. And the sad thing is, I will probably NEVER be able todo that again. RA never gets better, it only gets worse. It's progressive, and its chronic. Medication can slow the progress but can't stop it, and I'm still pretty young- no doubt I'll be in a wheelchair for a good part of my life......so the future looks pretty bleak right now....
Well, I've written a lot. I'm sorry if I'm rambling on. You are being so nice to me, and I thank you all. I feel a little less alone. I wish it were all over, that I was at peace. But I am hanging in there.