Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by The_Discarded, Jan 13, 2009.
ignore this though, i'm just being an attention whore.
i'll get over myself.
at one point, when i was a kid, i thought if you closed your eyes and wished hard enough you wouldn't wake up.
i don't know why it took me so long to realize that things don't come like that, especially not death.
how cool would it be though?
it'd be pretty cool.
i really need to go buy a pack of cigarettes.
i have one cigarette left and i'll smoke it soon.
and i have a nice bottle of soco.
and i also have my thoughts and they won't go away and they're stupid.
and i'm kind of staring at all this shit i have to do, minus the motivation to do it.
there's a clock i have. i forgot where i put it. i dunno where it is. but it's not digital and its ticking is rhythmic and it's singing to me. and it's... hiding.
last night i walked around outside and let the cold burn my eyes and i hoped that i'd cry, cos i need a good cry. i felt like i couldn't breathe. the sensation of tears when none come; it's a bit daunting. and i stood against a building and smoked cigarette after cigarette and i'm not sure how many i smoked and then i took the cigarettes and <i'll edit this myself so you don't have to>.
and it was good!
and i can't eat... for some reason.
the acerbic taste of smoke and its ticklish sting against my tongue are one of the few things that don't turn my stomach, the other being high quantities of alcohol, of course.
and the air was cold... but the tingling was hot. i couldn't feel my hands and they couldn't feel me because one was in a pocket and the other was holding a cigarette.
i was standing against the wall and i was tired of staring at people and their tiring fucking lives so i watched the smoke permeate the sky. it dies fairly quickly. i wish i died that quickly.
i wish i didn't feel like i was going to pass out because i'm fucking hungry but food don't go in easy but for some reason still it's tough to be as thin as i wanna be.
so, anyhow, the phone vibrated in my pocket. texts always read "hey, can you help me with an essay? with my hair? with my boyfriend? with my girlfriend? with my legalities? with my life?"
but, you know, my own fucking life ain't even in order. and it hasn't been! never once in 18 years. what did i do to deserve this shitty ride through life? i'd do all i could to fix it if i knew what it was. this is bullshit.
what does it matter, though, right?
i'd take another puff.
i'm as useful as that puff.
i learned, in my dizziness, that i am all a-fucking-lone in this fucking dangerous world and it's eating me alive.
and i can't gather a reason to hang around.
so i didn't go to work today.
i don't think i will tomorrow either.
and then one day i won't because i can't, and not because i just don't wanna.
If it's any consolation, and I know it isn't, I'm around if you want to rant in Portuguese or whatever, Rae. :hug:
jess is a good girl. she's nice. she's down-to-earth and reasonable and i think she's pretty honest. not that many honest, down-to-earth people around anymore.
she's sarcastic all the time but i think it's a coping mechanism. she has a really good sense of humor and doesn't have a stick up her ass, despite the fact that upon first encounter it might seem like she does.
she kinda knows everything. i think she'd be a good reporter or magazine journalist, despite that i doubt she'd wanna be a reporter.
i don't blame you, jess.
portuguese is a really odd language. i speak it, in case anyone's wondering. brazilian portuguese, though, so don't come at me with your european portuguese and start correcting my grammar. i know what i'm doing.
but i do make a lot of mistakes. i'm kind of retarded.
i'm pretty sure my portuguese has declined since i was a kid. i'm pretty sure my english has declined too, among lot of other things (awareness, caution, social skills, logic, attention span, athleticism, productivity). i've gotten a lot dumber throughout the years and i have a feeling it's attributable to the absence of my father because he pushed (good pun) me to be my best (ignoring the abuse :laugh - or the best in many ways.
i used to get in trouble (getting in trouble was bad and scary and i used to sleep beneath the bed) when i'd fuck up academically. or we'd be working on my spanish and i'd confuse a tense and "trouble" would ensue.
tell you what, i couldn't care too much less anymore. i mean, i do hold grammar to a high standard but that's just because i'm an anal-retentive pedant with a stick up her ass who deserves no friends and has nothing better to think about.
the emphasis, in the above paragraph, should've been on "nothing better." i have lots of other things to think about, they're just all far worse.
i think daddy did me good. the emphasis there, should be on "did."
haha. that was so tasteless. see, i have a sense of humor about everything. nothing wrong with it.
but, anyhow, really. i'd at least reach for the top and now i just reach for the bottle.
i was a perfectionist for a while. now i'm just an idiot.
i'm good at feeling sorry for myself.
i wonder if a <to put what i might put here would be a method and everyone would cry. i'll get rid of it beforehand> would feel just as sorry for me?
:hug: and Rae you are one of the cleverest people I know.
i like terry a lot. terry's wise. and i think she's got a secret or two. she's practical and it appears she understands. i thinks she's really strong. i think she keeps her faith; i don't know for sure, but it seems she does, and it takes a damned strong person to keep her faith.
she's genuine and straightforward (although she holds a lot to herself, i gather) and sometimes i think she's fiery. :hiding:
she has a good sense of humor and she cracks me up. and not that it's hard to make me laugh, but it's not that easy to crack me up. sometimes she's indiscreet (like me hmy but it makes it all the more droll and endearing and makes her all the more great.
plus, i'm pretty sure she's a redhead. red hair is AMAZING.
i've liked all the redheads i've known. i wonder if i'm racist? hair-color-...ist?
i'm probably a lot of things that i don't know i am.
now leiaha i don't know much about. but from what i've seen i think she's sweet and i think she gives a damn more than a lot of people do and i like how in her signature it says to just let her know if she's wrong or if she's whining too much (or something like that. i don't feel like copy-pasting and then going back to read her signature so i'm paraphrasing hardcore).
i think it's important to be humble enough to allow people to call you on your wrongs without getting offended. none of us are quite that perfect.
maybe i'm making a lot of things up.
i feel like there's too much noise.
You know we care about you. I know I damn well do and I'm sure a lot of others do too.
I'm here if I ever need to talk.
Your an amazing person and an amazing friend who is always there for so many people, let us be there for you too.
PM or msn or text if you need to talk.
Love you hun.
Keep strong :wub:
bex is sweet. it's easy to make her laugh. i like people who are easy to make laugh because i like to make people laugh. she's always willing to talk to people despite the problems she may be having herself and she's got quite a few but she's a strong girl who tends to keep her head up.
plus, her accent is the shit (weetabix :wub
she's easy to talk to about a lot of things because she can relate. i think she's kinda shy and timid but she squanders it so she emerges fun-loving and outgoing.
either bex is fine with me.
she never sleeps, ever. i don't blame her, though. sleep is kinda silly. it doesn't make sense that we should have to lie down with our eyes closed for 8 hours each night to properly function.
although, i wouldn't mind sleeping for a bit longer than a bit long....
i can feel the chill in my bones.
and the phone, it's ringing. i can feel the ring in my temples.
everything's all surreal and stuff
and far away or something.
it's like my hand just goes through whatever i touch, in the way that it would through a puff of smoke.
i'm exhaling the world.
i must think i'm goddamned important. i'm deformed, born with my head so far up my ass that it comes out the other way and looks quite normal.
i don't... care
Just wanted to give you a hug. :hug:
I enjoyed talking to you the other day, and can see you're getting some rave reviews here. You can take that as a reflection of the esteem people are keen to place in you.
My best wishes to you, Miss Rae.
You're a good judger of character, as can be seen by what you've written, Rae..
Hope you get through this crap time that you're currently experiencing, and don't come out too worse for wear..
See you around the place, no doubt..
:hug: Rae, you're awesome!
hey rae sounds like your having a tough day today, but we all have that we all cared about you rae. If you ever want to talk rae you know my number :hug: