Had a bad turn

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SAVE_ME, Jan 9, 2011.

  1. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I'm on some new medication prescribed by my GP. Lofepramine (70mg daily starting dose but have to up it to 140 after a week). I'm unsure where the line between side effects and my own short temper ends, but I just had a temper outburst the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been on them for a few days now. For the past few days I've noticed a little bit of an irritable feeling but I dismissed that as boredom and tiredness. This morning I became very snappy with my mother. We were both raising our voices and it happened to wake my older brother, who came through to the living room to stick his nose in. From that point I went crazy, just verbally and physically attacking my brother for having the gall to get involved in something which didn't concern him. I'm feeling a little bit better now if still a little tense. I'm not stupid by any means. I know that my brother is bigger and stronger and could quite possibly kill me if he tried but at the time I didn't care. In a moment of madness, I swung for him. We had to be broken up twice by my father and it very nearly caused him to have a heart attack.

    The first time, I told my brother to "F off" instead of walking around trying to act all high and mighty like he usually does. I mocked his self-righteous, condescending tone that he usually takes with me so he grabbed ahold of me and started trying to strangle me until my father dragged him off.

    The second time, I lambasted him for being a jerk to a lot of women he's been with. Long story short, for a while now I've been kinda jealous of him. He's had a lot of girlfriends and treated them all like crap and it makes me bitter because I've never really had any success with anyone of the opposite sex and drives me mad sometimes when I see people like him getting everything he's ever wanted, girls throwing themselves at him and him throwing it back in their faces. I would never treat anyone like that so it just struck a chord with me then and there, and then when he stood around proceeding to mock me I just swung a punch at him. We had another bust up. My father had to separate us again and he nearly collapsed with chest pains in the process. He's ok now thankfully.

    After that, I told them I wanted to admit myself to a psych hospital or something because I could see what was happening and thought I was either going to try and kill them or myself by the end of the day, so I knew I needed to go to a hospital. I could've killed my father by heart attack too so that was another reason I wanted to be away from everybody else, if I'm causing things like that to happen.

    My mother called the crisis team at the local mental health clinic. She explained the situation to them and then passed the phone to me. I told them exactly how I was feeling. Realized I was talking to a brick wall though. The conversation must've gone something like this:

    Me: "I'm snapping at people. Had a bust up with my brother. Nearly killed my father. I don't feel like I can control myself anymore. I'm getting worse and one day I might try the same with someone in public and I'll either end up in jail or dead, whichever comes first."

    Numbnuts on the other end: "Ok...can you do something to remove yourself from the situation? What do you enjoy doing?"

    Me: "Nope. Can't remove myself from the situation because it's an impulse thing. I'm a danger to myself and other people at this point. I need help. I'm snapping badly."

    Numbnuts: "Err...why don't you go do some exercise to try and take your mind off the situation? Go for a walk or something?"

    Eventually I gave up because he was bloody useless. Yeah, I feel like punching somebody, I'll go play with my dollies and calm down! La la la! :grr: Then my mother picked the phone back up and tried to tell him I was out of control. He said to her that if I continue then either call my GP and then she can come and give me some tranquilizers to calm me down, or if I get really bad, call the police and then they'll lock me up until I calm down.

    You know...lol...I laugh at these bloody idiots. Clueless! Totally f-ing clueless! Why doesn't anybody do anything to help these days? Why wait until it gets to that point? Why do people keep on fobbing me off to useless bloody counsellors or popping me a pill and telling me to shut up?

    I got referred to the Adult Pyschological Therapy Service recently and the waiting list is 18 months! 18 f-ing months! Hey, at this rate, in 18 months I'll either be locked up or dead, matey! And then as usual, my face will be all over the papers because I killed somebody in a fit of rage and every clueless git with a television set will be watching the news with their kids going: "What an evil evil man! What possesses somebody to do something like that? Why are people so evil these days? :rolleyes:" -- DUUUURRRR!!!! And my face will be on the front page of the paper with the headline: "THE FACE OF A REMORSELESS KILLER!" or something along those bloody lines.

    Why do we do this to people? Why do we trivialize these things and then when a person goes too far we f-ing criminalize them too! Utter bullcrap! Like I'll have to god damn kill a man until I get to a decent psych hospital.

    Actually, I asked my parents if they could take me straight to the emergency department at the hospital so I could admit myself voluntarily and they told me nothing like that exists, that it's just for accidents. I tell you, sometimes I feel like I was an accident.

    Anyway, I don't know what the purpose of this post is other than to "let it all out" I guess, though I've done enough of that today already. Maybe someone will be able to see where I'm coming from. Maybe not. But here it is.
     
  2. Waterfall55

    Waterfall55 Well-Known Member

    Wow - it must be frightening to feel so out of control. I am not sure I agree with your parents about the emergency department situation though. I don't know if it is different in the UK, but I would suspect although you might have to wait a long time in a waiting room, that they would get you in to see the psychiatrist on staff - it doesn't need to involve any sort of "accident". They might not admit you, but at least you could tell them first hand what was going on - and about the new medication - and they could assess whether it would be best for them to check you in, or if they could give you some medication to help when the anger strikes - or if they would want you to stop the new medication immediately.

    Can you take a bus or find another way to the emergency? If you are feeling better now, like you are able to cope on your own, maybe just keep this in mind if/when you run into another similar uncontrollable rage in the future? I am sorry you are having such a difficult time - and even more so that no one seems to be able to offer you the kind of support you need. I can hear how completely frustrating it is - to be reaching out for help but feeling like no one is there. There *are* people that are there though - please keep trying to connect with them.
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sounds like your meds you just started are affecting you this way I got the same way with mine very irritable jumpy. YOur doctor needs to know this whoever prescribed these medication needs to know how they are affecting you. You doctor then will decide probably to decrease the dose or change your meds all together. No your parents are wrong if you become critically unstable again call the ambulance or the emergency number in your area have them take you to hospital emergency you will be seen faster okay. The pdoc there will then assess if you need volunteer stay. If you tell him you are suicidal you will harm others and yourself he will at least put you on 3 day watch and get your meds assessed. I am sorry noone is listening it is hard I would phone the emergency number and go to hospital by okay it is worth it It will show them you are seriously need of some help Hugs don't give up okay
    1. phone your doctor who prescribed meds he may admitt you or change meds
    2 doctor not available call emergency number get ambulance to hospital and state clearlyyou are going to kill self and others if you are not help tell them your on new meds and you have been hyper agitated since You are causeing harm to your family
    3. Don't give up okay persist in pushing in getting help I don't know there but here if the police is called they do can put you on suicidal watch in hospital as well but that is here they can put you on form 3 here.

    Hugs hope you get that help you deserve and need
    If you feel yourself in danger again call emergency number and go to hospital by ambulance
     
  4. Waterfall55

    Waterfall55 Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to see how you were doing today - were you able to hook up with a medical professional for advice on the meds? Hope things are going a little better.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Let us know okay how you are doing I hope you were able to get some help as well for you Don't give up okay we care hugs
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sending you some hugs okay stay safe.:cheekkiss:console: