I'm on some new medication prescribed by my GP. Lofepramine (70mg daily starting dose but have to up it to 140 after a week). I'm unsure where the line between side effects and my own short temper ends, but I just had a temper outburst the likes of which I've never experienced before. I've been on them for a few days now. For the past few days I've noticed a little bit of an irritable feeling but I dismissed that as boredom and tiredness. This morning I became very snappy with my mother. We were both raising our voices and it happened to wake my older brother, who came through to the living room to stick his nose in. From that point I went crazy, just verbally and physically attacking my brother for having the gall to get involved in something which didn't concern him. I'm feeling a little bit better now if still a little tense. I'm not stupid by any means. I know that my brother is bigger and stronger and could quite possibly kill me if he tried but at the time I didn't care. In a moment of madness, I swung for him. We had to be broken up twice by my father and it very nearly caused him to have a heart attack. The first time, I told my brother to "F off" instead of walking around trying to act all high and mighty like he usually does. I mocked his self-righteous, condescending tone that he usually takes with me so he grabbed ahold of me and started trying to strangle me until my father dragged him off. The second time, I lambasted him for being a jerk to a lot of women he's been with. Long story short, for a while now I've been kinda jealous of him. He's had a lot of girlfriends and treated them all like crap and it makes me bitter because I've never really had any success with anyone of the opposite sex and drives me mad sometimes when I see people like him getting everything he's ever wanted, girls throwing themselves at him and him throwing it back in their faces. I would never treat anyone like that so it just struck a chord with me then and there, and then when he stood around proceeding to mock me I just swung a punch at him. We had another bust up. My father had to separate us again and he nearly collapsed with chest pains in the process. He's ok now thankfully. After that, I told them I wanted to admit myself to a psych hospital or something because I could see what was happening and thought I was either going to try and kill them or myself by the end of the day, so I knew I needed to go to a hospital. I could've killed my father by heart attack too so that was another reason I wanted to be away from everybody else, if I'm causing things like that to happen. My mother called the crisis team at the local mental health clinic. She explained the situation to them and then passed the phone to me. I told them exactly how I was feeling. Realized I was talking to a brick wall though. The conversation must've gone something like this: Me: "I'm snapping at people. Had a bust up with my brother. Nearly killed my father. I don't feel like I can control myself anymore. I'm getting worse and one day I might try the same with someone in public and I'll either end up in jail or dead, whichever comes first." Numbnuts on the other end: "Ok...can you do something to remove yourself from the situation? What do you enjoy doing?" Me: "Nope. Can't remove myself from the situation because it's an impulse thing. I'm a danger to myself and other people at this point. I need help. I'm snapping badly." Numbnuts: "Err...why don't you go do some exercise to try and take your mind off the situation? Go for a walk or something?" Eventually I gave up because he was bloody useless. Yeah, I feel like punching somebody, I'll go play with my dollies and calm down! La la la! :grr: Then my mother picked the phone back up and tried to tell him I was out of control. He said to her that if I continue then either call my GP and then she can come and give me some tranquilizers to calm me down, or if I get really bad, call the police and then they'll lock me up until I calm down. You know...lol...I laugh at these bloody idiots. Clueless! Totally f-ing clueless! Why doesn't anybody do anything to help these days? Why wait until it gets to that point? Why do people keep on fobbing me off to useless bloody counsellors or popping me a pill and telling me to shut up? I got referred to the Adult Pyschological Therapy Service recently and the waiting list is 18 months! 18 f-ing months! Hey, at this rate, in 18 months I'll either be locked up or dead, matey! And then as usual, my face will be all over the papers because I killed somebody in a fit of rage and every clueless git with a television set will be watching the news with their kids going: "What an evil evil man! What possesses somebody to do something like that? Why are people so evil these days? " -- DUUUURRRR!!!! And my face will be on the front page of the paper with the headline: "THE FACE OF A REMORSELESS KILLER!" or something along those bloody lines. Why do we do this to people? Why do we trivialize these things and then when a person goes too far we f-ing criminalize them too! Utter bullcrap! Like I'll have to god damn kill a man until I get to a decent psych hospital. Actually, I asked my parents if they could take me straight to the emergency department at the hospital so I could admit myself voluntarily and they told me nothing like that exists, that it's just for accidents. I tell you, sometimes I feel like I was an accident. Anyway, I don't know what the purpose of this post is other than to "let it all out" I guess, though I've done enough of that today already. Maybe someone will be able to see where I'm coming from. Maybe not. But here it is.