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Had a real relapse today

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This is just mindless babbling from my unrequinted socializing from my anime convention this weekend.

That is where it started this weekend.... once I got to the convention... I do not know.. I just sort of felt... empty... that slowly turned into fear and anxiety from all my insecurities that I have been repressing while I have been at the gym. I had a lot of stuff to be insecure about. My crappy dance dance revolution skills, the terrible mistakes on my cosplay, the stuff I did not have time to complete on my cosplay, my lack of social skills. I felt like I was lost in the crowd. The only reason people saw me was because I was doing a cosplay of a well known character.

That made the weekend awkward. Namely because I had a bunch of underage or unattractive or both females wanting to hug me. That just made things weird. I made a few awkward attempts at conversing that failed miserably and quickly. Really all I did was spend the weekend hiding in the video room.

I say it is because I have not reached the social part of my ummmm self-improvement... however... that just feels like a poor excuse. To the degree of "I forgot my homework" when I clearly did not do my homework. I feel like I missed out on something big... I do not know if I will be as blessed to go to an anime convention alone again... my roommate's girlfriend will likely be off to grad school come the next convention... then he will cling back onto me. He is one of the more negative influences in my life. Not purposefully... but he is.

It just sucks... this is the first time I have felt suicidal in months... I hate this feeling... and I am not breaking out of it as quickly as I want too.. I wish I could just figure out why I suddenly got so scared...

Thank you for reading.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi can you call your doctor and get him or her updated on how you are feeling Perhaps go in for an earler session tht will help pull you out of the darkness some. Talk to a councilor anyone okay to help you get more stable hugs to you


Well-Known Member
hey FM...
sounds like you need to give yourself more credit ....you went to the convention..you dressed the part...you had many females (albeit unnatractive and too young but still females) hugging you...
you need to pat yourself on the back...
well done I say...
maybe you are still a bit shy but hopefully that will get better the more you're out there 'practicing'

when's the next convention?


Well-Known Member
I think part of my relapse was not working out and having a terrible diet this past convention. Granted that normally happens. Still I wish I could have found the courage to go to some of the more social events.

@total eclipse: Actually I have not been going to therapy. I have been spending a lot of time rehabilitating myself. This has really been the first time I have been depressed in months

@IV2010: :sweat: Maybe many is a bad word. I am pretty sure that I only got like 5 or so hugs. :( it is just hard to give myself credit when I did not put the same effort forward in socializing that I do in working out... even if I have not been working out as recently.

The next convention... hmm well the next convention that I know is happening is happening in September. However, I did volunteer some of my old video game systems for the game room. The guy who ran the room said he would be getting in contact with me again when his organization has their convention in July. So July is likely the next one.


Well-Known Member
You know, I always wanted to go as a member of the 501st Joint Fighter Wing from Strike Witches. The primary obstacle standing in my way is that I'm male, and all the Witches are female. Damnit.


Well-Known Member
@RocketPop09: Nothing says awesome like a guy cosplay as a female character. This past weekend I saw a couple big guys.... like football player guys dressed as Gothic lolitas.


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@RocketPop09: Nothing says awesome like a guy cosplay as a female character. This past weekend I saw a couple big guys.... like football player guys dressed as Gothic lolitas.
Erica. I love Erica. :D

On another note...this board is slow as hell today. There are a few unanswered crises, but not enough people actually answering the suicide signal. Dunno what's up with that, maybe we're actually doing something right, so there are fewer crises. Or the opposite, that there are more crises, but they aren't finding us.

I should join a hotline and take their training course. All my education on suicide and suicide prevention is just on this board. I feel like I'm needed elsewhere, too.

Ah, but I won't go off-topic. Carry on.


Well-Known Member
@Rocketpop09: >_< I have no idea who that is... I know the series and could not watch it... because it was making panties boring... and I cannot let that happen to me.

All boards have slow days... it happens..
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