This is just mindless babbling from my unrequinted socializing from my anime convention this weekend. That is where it started this weekend.... once I got to the convention... I do not know.. I just sort of felt... empty... that slowly turned into fear and anxiety from all my insecurities that I have been repressing while I have been at the gym. I had a lot of stuff to be insecure about. My crappy dance dance revolution skills, the terrible mistakes on my cosplay, the stuff I did not have time to complete on my cosplay, my lack of social skills. I felt like I was lost in the crowd. The only reason people saw me was because I was doing a cosplay of a well known character. That made the weekend awkward. Namely because I had a bunch of underage or unattractive or both females wanting to hug me. That just made things weird. I made a few awkward attempts at conversing that failed miserably and quickly. Really all I did was spend the weekend hiding in the video room. I say it is because I have not reached the social part of my ummmm self-improvement... however... that just feels like a poor excuse. To the degree of "I forgot my homework" when I clearly did not do my homework. I feel like I missed out on something big... I do not know if I will be as blessed to go to an anime convention alone again... my roommate's girlfriend will likely be off to grad school come the next convention... then he will cling back onto me. He is one of the more negative influences in my life. Not purposefully... but he is. It just sucks... this is the first time I have felt suicidal in months... I hate this feeling... and I am not breaking out of it as quickly as I want too.. I wish I could just figure out why I suddenly got so scared... Thank you for reading.