I've been having a difficult time lately. I feel rather unappreciated and seeing the shit storm that was my birthday yesterday I feel like if I were to die at this moment most people wouldn't care. I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't mind stepping over my dead body. Maybe my boyfriend would care but who knows with him. About a week ago, I got int this terrible fight with my boyfriend about my birthday and how I didn't want to do anything for it because I knew in my heart I was going to get my hopes up and be let down. I yelled at him for attempting to plan anything because I already knew people were going to prove me right. He then proceeded to say my friends are shitty people because they were the ones that told him they couldnt make it while some of them live out of town which made me upset all over again. He then mentions how his friends are better because they actually spend time with each other on their birthdays. On top of that, my friends prove me right when they continue to make plans with each other and never invite me. Even better, my parents (mainly my piece of shit father) decide to act like assholes and tell me I'm a horrible granddaughter for never calling my grandmother and saying "of course you wouldn't want to see your grandfather" when they were debating to go see my grandfather at a nursing home. My mom was there for all of that bullshit and she took his side. After all the nasty shit my father has said to me or about me including telling me that I should go kill myself (which he denies to this day), I decided he's nothing but a sperm donor. I decided to stay with said boyfriend for a few days because of Hurricane Sandy. My "parents" never called to see where I was, if I was alive because I never came home, if I was in a hospital. Nothing. Why the hell did I think they even would attempt to apologize and say happy birthday to me? I'm such a fucking idiot. So yesterday, my birthday my boyfriend attempts to get some of his friends to come out with us to get a drink and they didn't show up. He gets me a ice cream cake and it's freezing and I have a cold and I got livid(to the point I started screaming and crying in the streets of NYC) because it's apparent after 7 years he can't listen to a word I have to say. He said he planned for us to have dinner. I ended up eating out from a food vendor in 30 degree weather. Fucking felt lonelier than ever. The only highlight was that I got drunk and decided to go walking in Alphabet City. Came back to my house and drank some more, thought about drinking alcohol with my antidepressants and decided not to, and fell asleep. Boyfriend leaves my house and doesn't even attempt to fix the shit show that was my birthday and I decide that it's best for us not to talk for the fact he always promises me the world, insist on doing so, and then doesn't deliver. In short, I'm trying to do the right things (working, going to therapy, trying to put myself out there, taking my medication, trying to not fight with people) and failing and I'm still unhappy. I feel like nothing I do is ever right. I feel like I'll never stop feeling like this and now that I probably hit rock bottom I wouldn't mind if I didn't exist anymore.