Had a shitty birthday and realized I'm on my own

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by wishingforhappiness, Nov 4, 2012.

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  1. wishingforhappiness

    wishingforhappiness New Member

    I've been having a difficult time lately. I feel rather unappreciated and seeing the shit storm that was my birthday yesterday I feel like if I were to die at this moment most people wouldn't care. I'm pretty sure my parents wouldn't mind stepping over my dead body. Maybe my boyfriend would care but who knows with him.

    About a week ago, I got int this terrible fight with my boyfriend about my birthday and how I didn't want to do anything for it because I knew in my heart I was going to get my hopes up and be let down. I yelled at him for attempting to plan anything because I already knew people were going to prove me right. He then proceeded to say my friends are shitty people because they were the ones that told him they couldnt make it while some of them live out of town which made me upset all over again. He then mentions how his friends are better because they actually spend time with each other on their birthdays. On top of that, my friends prove me right when they continue to make plans with each other and never invite me. Even better, my parents (mainly my piece of shit father) decide to act like assholes and tell me I'm a horrible granddaughter for never calling my grandmother and saying "of course you wouldn't want to see your grandfather" when they were debating to go see my grandfather at a nursing home. My mom was there for all of that bullshit and she took his side. After all the nasty shit my father has said to me or about me including telling me that I should go kill myself (which he denies to this day), I decided he's nothing but a sperm donor. I decided to stay with said boyfriend for a few days because of Hurricane Sandy. My "parents" never called to see where I was, if I was alive because I never came home, if I was in a hospital. Nothing. Why the hell did I think they even would attempt to apologize and say happy birthday to me? I'm such a fucking idiot.

    So yesterday, my birthday my boyfriend attempts to get some of his friends to come out with us to get a drink and they didn't show up. He gets me a ice cream cake and it's freezing and I have a cold and I got livid(to the point I started screaming and crying in the streets of NYC) because it's apparent after 7 years he can't listen to a word I have to say. He said he planned for us to have dinner. I ended up eating out from a food vendor in 30 degree weather. Fucking felt lonelier than ever. The only highlight was that I got drunk and decided to go walking in Alphabet City. Came back to my house and drank some more, thought about drinking alcohol with my antidepressants and decided not to, and fell asleep. Boyfriend leaves my house and doesn't even attempt to fix the shit show that was my birthday and I decide that it's best for us not to talk for the fact he always promises me the world, insist on doing so, and then doesn't deliver.

    In short, I'm trying to do the right things (working, going to therapy, trying to put myself out there, taking my medication, trying to not fight with people) and failing and I'm still unhappy. I feel like nothing I do is ever right. I feel like I'll never stop feeling like this and now that I probably hit rock bottom I wouldn't mind if I didn't exist anymore.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Belated happy birthday, Wishing. I have been where it sounds like you are...for me, I had to realize how I participated in not getting what I wanted, and if others were not on board, then they were not counted...it does sound like your boyfriend tried, but it also sounds like being abandoned in general, especially on your birthday by your family is heart breaking...maybe establishing a work plan for what you want defined by doable goals, distributing it and telling people what you expect will set a boundary to decide who is really on 'the team'...once you are clearer about your goals, it will be easier for you bf to give to you, and you will know how all others stand...I am so sorry you were treated this way...wishing I could send a real hug through this screen, but instead, I have to send a cyber one...please PM me if I can help...with caring
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    My birthday this year was completely overlooked and it left me feeling upset, forgotten and resentful (I never forget their birthdays).
    So a big :hug: and a belated wish.
    I know nothing can make up for this year, but there's always Christmas.
  4. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Aww, I'm sorry you had a bad birthday. All my birthdays suck, so i stopped celebrating them. Happy belated birthday..you should do something special for yourself and not let anyone's bad attitude get you down.
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