had a trigger and a realization

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by IV2010, Mar 28, 2010.

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  1. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    yesterday I had a trigger and realised I am preparing for the end without realising what Ive been doing.....
    found out yesterday that my ex is giving away my sons things without consulting me....his belongings were left to his father and I but my ex is his usual controling self and doesn't give a thought to how I feel...
    it was like a kick in the stomach again and I feel I have no control over anything.
    I realised last night though that since my sons death I have been unconciously " getting my life in order" .
    I have done a will...
    I am having a cleanup and throwout..
    I am selling things to pay my debts..
    I am about to see the funeral director to organise the finalilities..
    I have been telling the only one of my remaining 3 children who bothers with me (and that's rarely) what is to be done with what when I'm gone...
    I'm not sure when I will leave..have a bit to do yet....
    I have suffered this pain for about 44 years and am sick of being kicked and kicked and ignored as a person with feelings and rights..
    I am tired of others using and abusing me and then ignoring me because I ask for something in return...
    last night was an awakening from the fog I've been in since I lost my son..
    I want to be with my son..the only one who cared and understood me...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    and he would wish a different ending for you. He would want his mother happy and healing You said if he only got help you need to do this call for more sessions more help okay He would not want his mother suffering and ending her life because of him. Please stay strong okay for your daughters who i know you think don't care but they do a child always loves their mother.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    thanks violet ..but unless they start to show they care then theres nothing to stay for...
  4. summerschild

    summerschild Well-Known Member

    At the risk of sounding selfish ... there is well us. When it comes to you we are selfish. We want you here. I want you here. Please don't do anything.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Maybe they don't show they care but i know if anything happened to you it would hurt them terrible. In time who knows they will show some compassion but if you go away they will never have that option and you will not be here to feel their love. Hang on okay as i am hang on for a better day.
  6. jnine

    jnine Well-Known Member

    hello IV2010,

    you said in another thread that you've been going a the partial hospital program, so this isn't necessarily your most stable time or mood. i'm not doubting your pain at all. And getting things in order can be useful all the way around.

    But maybe you might consider postponing making a commitment to dying for another time. I'm not saying this well but if you aren't well enough to deal with living, then maybe you aren't well enough to decide to die.

    i hope you can live for you and not for children or ex or really anyone but you.
    You, just as you are, is a reason to be. and maybe be really really angry with your ex for not consulting you, and show him that anger.......
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