Had enough, but still fighting. (kinda a rant)

By <method>? by <method>? By <method>? These are the thoughts constantly going through my head, the thoughts I'm trying to ignore, the thoughts that are strengthening by the second. My vision frequently blurred, but tears never spilling over. A smile plastered on, to give the impression that everythings ok. But it's not. Ok is far from what everything is. Ok is the exact opposite to what everything is. Everything can be described in two words: "too much".

But wait, what is everything? Everything is my life, and all that comes into contact with it. Yes, life is too much. School is too much. I can't cope anymore. People say "hold on, its gets better". How do they know? Have they been so low that the will to live was stolen from them by depression? Do they have to cope with pressure to do well in school when they can't even cope with life? Do they have to fight urges all day, every day? It hasn't got better for twelve years, and has worsened in the past three. I've been bullied for 3/4 of my life, and suffered from depression for 1/4. When they say "it gets better", do they understand the pain of the person standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff? For many, the answer is no.

Sometimes it feels like no one cares, no one understands. I feel empty and alone, like a forgotten shipwreck. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm alive, simply existing.

At night, it's the hardest. When it's dark, quiet, and I'm alone the thoughts get louder; try to consume me. The urges get stronger, harder to resist. Yet somehow I do. The thick rope I used to hold on to has frayed away to a thread and one of my hands slipped off. I'm hanging off the cliff by a thread, held in one hand. I'm calling for help, reaching for help. Losing hope. Please, hear me before my thread snaps. Please. I need help.

Yes, I know people on SF understand the pain of standing on that metaphorical cliff, but so many people irl don't. They say "smile, it's not that bad" dismiss it as attention seeking, or tell you to get over it. A few say it gets better, but what do they know, if they've never been to the point so many of us here are at.

Yet, even though I hate my own life, actually have a suicide plan and the means to carry it out, I haven't. I have no idea why. Instead, I struggle through each day, helping people with their problems, whether I know them or not. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know what's happening with my life anymore.

And also, cos I needa get this out... I cut the other day. Not badly, but now I feel weak and like a failure...

Thankyou for taking the time to read this

 

I really don't think my meds are working... I think I actually feel worse.. Thanks for the reply Acy

I spend most of the day crying now =/ I'm just stuck, with no support IRL... I have no idea why I'm still here, suicide must cross my mind every ten minutes or so... I have no idea what to do... I want to, but I'm still here, but I don't know why.. And now I'm making no sense...

I do wish I could smile and make it all go away... And some people say "oh, you aren't depressed, you still smile sometimes". And yea, sometimes I do. Sometimes I even mean it. That's not very often, but it happens. When for a moment, just one moment, it does all go away. Maybe that's why I'm still here. I live for those moments. Sure, they're few and far between, but maybe that's why I'm here. Cos I want to feel like that again.

Maybe not. Maybe I'm still here because I'm too scared to commit, to fail... To end up with everyone knowing, everyone treating me different.

Yet, if I was gone, Sure, maybe my family would miss me. But, we don't have a lot of money. My mum gets $500 per week. So, $1000 a fortnight. The mortgage is $200 a fortnight, phone bill is $200 roundabout, power bill $300-$400, groceries $300 roundabout. Plus school fees ($3000 per year each for three children) and extra curricular, it doesn't add up. So really, with me gone, the power bill would probably go down, the groceries would go down, and there'd be $3000 extra or so per year. My dad pays $60 child support a month (in total, for three children). So, not a lot of money. If I could get a job, yea, I'd help out with payments and stuff. But, I can't even manage to get further than applying. I can't get a job interview.

I'm 100% stuck.

 

How long are you on your meds? A sideaffect of meds can be that you feel worse at first. But after a few weeks it should start working.

Hold on!