By <method>? by <method>? By <method>? These are the thoughts constantly going through my head, the thoughts I'm trying to ignore, the thoughts that are strengthening by the second. My vision frequently blurred, but tears never spilling over. A smile plastered on, to give the impression that everythings ok. But it's not. Ok is far from what everything is. Ok is the exact opposite to what everything is. Everything can be described in two words: "too much".
But wait, what is everything? Everything is my life, and all that comes into contact with it. Yes, life is too much. School is too much. I can't cope anymore. People say "hold on, its gets better". How do they know? Have they been so low that the will to live was stolen from them by depression? Do they have to cope with pressure to do well in school when they can't even cope with life? Do they have to fight urges all day, every day? It hasn't got better for twelve years, and has worsened in the past three. I've been bullied for 3/4 of my life, and suffered from depression for 1/4. When they say "it gets better", do they understand the pain of the person standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff? For many, the answer is no.
Sometimes it feels like no one cares, no one understands. I feel empty and alone, like a forgotten shipwreck. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm alive, simply existing.
At night, it's the hardest. When it's dark, quiet, and I'm alone the thoughts get louder; try to consume me. The urges get stronger, harder to resist. Yet somehow I do. The thick rope I used to hold on to has frayed away to a thread and one of my hands slipped off. I'm hanging off the cliff by a thread, held in one hand. I'm calling for help, reaching for help. Losing hope. Please, hear me before my thread snaps. Please. I need help.
Yes, I know people on SF understand the pain of standing on that metaphorical cliff, but so many people irl don't. They say "smile, it's not that bad" dismiss it as attention seeking, or tell you to get over it. A few say it gets better, but what do they know, if they've never been to the point so many of us here are at.
Yet, even though I hate my own life, actually have a suicide plan and the means to carry it out, I haven't. I have no idea why. Instead, I struggle through each day, helping people with their problems, whether I know them or not. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know what's happening with my life anymore.
And also, cos I needa get this out... I cut the other day. Not badly, but now I feel weak and like a failure...
Thankyou for taking the time to read this
But wait, what is everything? Everything is my life, and all that comes into contact with it. Yes, life is too much. School is too much. I can't cope anymore. People say "hold on, its gets better". How do they know? Have they been so low that the will to live was stolen from them by depression? Do they have to cope with pressure to do well in school when they can't even cope with life? Do they have to fight urges all day, every day? It hasn't got better for twelve years, and has worsened in the past three. I've been bullied for 3/4 of my life, and suffered from depression for 1/4. When they say "it gets better", do they understand the pain of the person standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff? For many, the answer is no.
Sometimes it feels like no one cares, no one understands. I feel empty and alone, like a forgotten shipwreck. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm alive, simply existing.
At night, it's the hardest. When it's dark, quiet, and I'm alone the thoughts get louder; try to consume me. The urges get stronger, harder to resist. Yet somehow I do. The thick rope I used to hold on to has frayed away to a thread and one of my hands slipped off. I'm hanging off the cliff by a thread, held in one hand. I'm calling for help, reaching for help. Losing hope. Please, hear me before my thread snaps. Please. I need help.
Yes, I know people on SF understand the pain of standing on that metaphorical cliff, but so many people irl don't. They say "smile, it's not that bad" dismiss it as attention seeking, or tell you to get over it. A few say it gets better, but what do they know, if they've never been to the point so many of us here are at.
Yet, even though I hate my own life, actually have a suicide plan and the means to carry it out, I haven't. I have no idea why. Instead, I struggle through each day, helping people with their problems, whether I know them or not. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know what's happening with my life anymore.
And also, cos I needa get this out... I cut the other day. Not badly, but now I feel weak and like a failure...
Thankyou for taking the time to read this
.