I'm a male in my 50s and I have suffered from depression since I was about 10 and over the years I have had many episodes which I would describe as severe. I will be vague at times because I don't feel like identifying details. This is just a small sample. I could not possibly summarise my life story in one post but it has been a long catalogue of misery. Even though I was depressed as a child, I think it was part of growing up and things only started to get really bad when I left home to join the armed forces at 16. There was an incident one night when I got drunk and was messing around with another guy. I don't really remember what happened very clearly but everybody in my mess believed that it was an indication that I was gay. I was bullied from that day forward and even when I moved from one base to another, the story had arrived ahead of me. It wasn't just the lower ranks, it was also NCOs. When I was posted abroad into an area of combat (though I was not directly involved in it) the bullying reached a level I dared not imagine. I was subjected to nightly humiliation. Every night, I was woken up by drunken people I worked with and tormented. One night, I was stripped naked and dragged outside where I was tied around the base of a tree and left. After some time, somebody sexually assaulted me. I am not sure how but something was forced inside me. I tried to report it but the guards on duty just said, 'what do you expect us to do?'. Even after I got married it continued though my marriage did not last more than a couple of years. I struggled to keep relationships and I never settled into a new career after I left the forces. I fell in love once but she left me and it took me two or more years to get over her. I had treatment for depression but never felt that I was understood. I met somebody when I was working abroad with whom I felt a strong affinity. She got pregnant and we planned to live in my home town. However, it turned out she already had a boyfriend and had been lying to me all along. She went back to him. I was devastated and completely lost the plot mentally. I ended up in hospital only to discharge myself the next day and then try to kill myself with an overdose of <mod edit - methods> and anything else I could find. I only succeeded in making myself extremely ill for weeks. Somehow,we got together again a year or so after the baby was born. We had another child and then she said she wanted to live with both me and the other guy. She was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Some of the things she did to me were simply disgusting. I wasn't able to cope with this and when I refused to go along with it, she left and went back to her own country. Afterwards, I found evidence in letters that she had left behind that she had planned this all along and I was also told by somebody she had confided in that her plan was to live with both me and the other guy. That was 16 years ago and apart from a brief exchange on Facebook last year, I have had no contact with my children. Unfortunately I sensed that they seem to have grown up as manipulating as their mother. There was a long string of events which to detail would be exhausting but I was the victim of violence and abuse quite a few times and as a result, I just retreated into my own shell. I started a business with a friend but it turned out he had been lying to me and ripping me off. Things picked up a little when I met somebody with whom I had a relationship and she supported me in starting up another business but after about 18 months we had drifted apart. The business ticked over until I went into hospital for a minor routine operation but it went very badly wrong. I ended up in intensive care for three weeks and unable to work for two years. My business had to wind up as a result. I still have regular excruciating pains in my guts and extremely bad digestive problems. I was spending some time a long way from home and in a very remote area when I met a woman. I started travelling to see her often and began volunteering at the place she worked which was a charity with very ethical foundations and when a full time position arose there, her employer approached me and offered me the job. It was doing something well outside my experience and I explained that it wasn't the kind of work I was looking for. They told me that after a few months my role would be adapted to my skills. I accepted the job on this basis and moved 250 miles, found an empty house to rent and over the following year, fitted and furnished it. But the promises made never materialised and I discovered that there had been systematic lying and some directed at me personally. It became impossible for me to continue to work there and I had to leave. I took them to an employment tribunal and after almost a week of hearings during which they were shown to lack competence and that the manager had asked staff to lie against me, they made a financial offer. I was pretty exhausted by this time and accepted the offer. However, it later transpired that my lawyer had failed to tell me that I would have to return all the legal aid I received from this payment and as a result received nothing. He has appealed against this but that is not going well. My next step would be to take action against the lawyer for negligence given that he failed to keep me informed before and throughout the tribunal of the costs. I am now unemployed in a remote area where there is little work. My income is paltry and the government are forever tightening the screw. I spend most of my life at home alone because my girlfriend (who does not live with me) still works at the same place and I cannot afford to travel very far. I have applied for hundreds of jobs but on the rare occasion I get an interview, I feel that they think I a too old. I have also sensed a bit of discrimination because I am from outside the area. My mental state has spiralled downwards over the past two years (18 months since I have been out of work) and I now only think of death as the solution. In fact, I regard suicide as the inevitable conclusion. I'm done getting my hopes up with job applications only to be rejected. I can't survive much longer on what I get in benefits and I will not be able to heat my house this winter. I broke down to my doctor a few months ago and was referred to a psychiatric nurse. After several appointments, he told me a few days ago that he doesn't think he can help me because I don't fit into his treatment. I had a minor confrontation at the job centre the next day when I was given the latest information about how they intend to withdraw benefits from people they consider are not doing enough to look for work. Since then, I have been having nightmares, worse than normal digestive problems and migraine. I am sick of trying to get help. I am sick of trying to just survive. I am sick of hanging on only to get another kick in the teeth. I want out.