Had enough now.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by vermilion, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. vermilion

    vermilion Member

    I'm a male in my 50s and I have suffered from depression since I was about 10 and over the years I have had many episodes which I would describe as severe. I will be vague at times because I don't feel like identifying details. This is just a small sample.

    I could not possibly summarise my life story in one post but it has been a long catalogue of misery. Even though I was depressed as a child, I think it was part of growing up and things only started to get really bad when I left home to join the armed forces at 16.

    There was an incident one night when I got drunk and was messing around with another guy. I don't really remember what happened very clearly but everybody in my mess believed that it was an indication that I was gay. I was bullied from that day forward and even when I moved from one base to another, the story had arrived ahead of me. It wasn't just the lower ranks, it was also NCOs. When I was posted abroad into an area of combat (though I was not directly involved in it) the bullying reached a level I dared not imagine. I was subjected to nightly humiliation. Every night, I was woken up by drunken people I worked with and tormented. One night, I was stripped naked and dragged outside where I was tied around the base of a tree and left. After some time, somebody sexually assaulted me. I am not sure how but something was forced inside me. I tried to report it but the guards on duty just said, 'what do you expect us to do?'. Even after I got married it continued though my marriage did not last more than a couple of years.

    I struggled to keep relationships and I never settled into a new career after I left the forces. I fell in love once but she left me and it took me two or more years to get over her. I had treatment for depression but never felt that I was understood. I met somebody when I was working abroad with whom I felt a strong affinity. She got pregnant and we planned to live in my home town. However, it turned out she already had a boyfriend and had been lying to me all along. She went back to him. I was devastated and completely lost the plot mentally. I ended up in hospital only to discharge myself the next day and then try to kill myself with an overdose of <mod edit - methods> and anything else I could find. I only succeeded in making myself extremely ill for weeks.

    Somehow,we got together again a year or so after the baby was born. We had another child and then she said she wanted to live with both me and the other guy. She was physically, mentally and emotionally abusive. Some of the things she did to me were simply disgusting. I wasn't able to cope with this and when I refused to go along with it, she left and went back to her own country. Afterwards, I found evidence in letters that she had left behind that she had planned this all along and I was also told by somebody she had confided in that her plan was to live with both me and the other guy. That was 16 years ago and apart from a brief exchange on Facebook last year, I have had no contact with my children. Unfortunately I sensed that they seem to have grown up as manipulating as their mother.

    There was a long string of events which to detail would be exhausting but I was the victim of violence and abuse quite a few times and as a result, I just retreated into my own shell. I started a business with a friend but it turned out he had been lying to me and ripping me off. Things picked up a little when I met somebody with whom I had a relationship and she supported me in starting up another business but after about 18 months we had drifted apart. The business ticked over until I went into hospital for a minor routine operation but it went very badly wrong. I ended up in intensive care for three weeks and unable to work for two years. My business had to wind up as a result. I still have regular excruciating pains in my guts and extremely bad digestive problems.

    I was spending some time a long way from home and in a very remote area when I met a woman. I started travelling to see her often and began volunteering at the place she worked which was a charity with very ethical foundations and when a full time position arose there, her employer approached me and offered me the job. It was doing something well outside my experience and I explained that it wasn't the kind of work I was looking for. They told me that after a few months my role would be adapted to my skills. I accepted the job on this basis and moved 250 miles, found an empty house to rent and over the following year, fitted and furnished it. But the promises made never materialised and I discovered that there had been systematic lying and some directed at me personally. It became impossible for me to continue to work there and I had to leave. I took them to an employment tribunal and after almost a week of hearings during which they were shown to lack competence and that the manager had asked staff to lie against me, they made a financial offer. I was pretty exhausted by this time and accepted the offer. However, it later transpired that my lawyer had failed to tell me that I would have to return all the legal aid I received from this payment and as a result received nothing. He has appealed against this but that is not going well. My next step would be to take action against the lawyer for negligence given that he failed to keep me informed before and throughout the tribunal of the costs.

    I am now unemployed in a remote area where there is little work. My income is paltry and the government are forever tightening the screw. I spend most of my life at home alone because my girlfriend (who does not live with me) still works at the same place and I cannot afford to travel very far. I have applied for hundreds of jobs but on the rare occasion I get an interview, I feel that they think I a too old. I have also sensed a bit of discrimination because I am from outside the area.

    My mental state has spiralled downwards over the past two years (18 months since I have been out of work) and I now only think of death as the solution. In fact, I regard suicide as the inevitable conclusion. I'm done getting my hopes up with job applications only to be rejected. I can't survive much longer on what I get in benefits and I will not be able to heat my house this winter.

    I broke down to my doctor a few months ago and was referred to a psychiatric nurse. After several appointments, he told me a few days ago that he doesn't think he can help me because I don't fit into his treatment. I had a minor confrontation at the job centre the next day when I was given the latest information about how they intend to withdraw benefits from people they consider are not doing enough to look for work. Since then, I have been having nightmares, worse than normal digestive problems and migraine.

    I am sick of trying to get help. I am sick of trying to just survive. I am sick of hanging on only to get another kick in the teeth. I want out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2012
  2. Dissolving

    Dissolving New Member

    I'm really sorry for all you've been through. It's understandable that you're in the state that you are... but death isn't the way out... Comparatively, I'm much younger with less experience and who am I to say this, you know? but death isn't the way out... I'm not very good at this advice thing... but I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to listen, I'll be here. I'm good at that part, the whole listening aspect. Just hold on.<3
  3. vermilion

    vermilion Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to write something. I have read a few posts in this section and stared helplessly at the screen unable to think of anything reassuring to say.

    However, I am still feeling at the end of the road. I had a brief moment of optimism earlier on today when I thought of an employment possibility but soon found that it was as disappointing as everything else has been.

    I forgot to mention that my doctor had prescribed me beta-blockers for anxiety. I refused anti-depressants as they have a dulling effect on everything which makes me feel like a zombie - I think I am qualified to generalise about anti-depressants, by the way, as I have had quite a few different ones over the years.

    The beta-blockers had worked quite well for the anxiety until a couple of days ago but not at the moment - I have depression, anxiety and raging belly ache which frequently turns to acute pain. At least the migraine went sometime in the early hours of the morning.

    I understand why you say that death is not the way out but I am not experiencing anything but pain at the moment and haven't for about two years (six years of constant gut ache). It is sometimes a cycle in that stress and depression cause my guts to inflame and I'm sure the opposite happens too because it is impossible to focus on anything else with the pain in my belly. My digestive system has not worked properly since I was in hospital - I can't go into graphic detail but it's bad and my whole life seems to revolve around it.

    I don't really want to end my own life, I just want to die in my sleep but I can't stand it much longer and I can't stop myself fantasising about ending the pain.
  4. Dissolving

    Dissolving New Member

    I wanted to respond, but I had no idea what to say... So, I asked one of my most trusted friends in anonymity what they would say... He replied with, "He's letting his desire to stop his pain control him, (which is understandable) but he sounds like an intelligent person, if his pain is really the biggest thing in his life right now, then maybe he would take solace in helping ending other people's pain somehow. Also if he is unemployed he could seek other ways of making money (like buying and selling goods for profit, or learning a trade)". I'm not sure if this will help... but I hope it does. :)
  5. Suisingle

    Suisingle Account Closed

    For what little it's worth I feel exactly the same, and have many similar problems. All I can say is try to hang on. Hope things get better for you.
  6. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    It seems most of the folks here on the board are young, however I will be 50 next year and have also suffered from depression most of my life. I won't get into my life story here, but you are not alone, my friend - trust me. You do have positives going for you. You have someone. That's a big thing. If you have someone who cares for you, you have to keep that in mind. If it's where you live is a major issue, move closer to her in some other means. Even if you don't live in the same city, live in a closer city where you can get a job. Is that a possibility? Hang on, there can be positives around the corner for you. I know what it's like to feel like self inflicted death is inevitable. You do have something in your life to live for. Email me if you want to talk. Like I said, you're not alone.
  7. vermilion

    vermilion Member

    Thank you for the replies.

    I don't really know how to reply to everybody coherently but I will just say what comes to mind and hopefully the appropriate bits to each point will be obvious enough to make sense.

    My girlfriend lives less than half a mile away. I couldn't live much closer, really. There are pretty good reasons why we don't live together - I think we are both pretty set in our ways and we like our own space. She has a dog and (I'm sorry to any dog lovers) I feel uncomfortable around dogs - not scared more repelled.

    I don't like to make an issue of it but I do like helping other people and often put their problems before my own. I do get a lot from this but often find that it is at the expense of my own troubles. I recently did a kind of psychometric test which determined the kind of work I am suited to doing. It really just confirmed what I already knew but there was a bit in it which said that I am the type of person who often gives too much and can be taken advantage of - so as much as I think it is good for me to help others, I have to be aware of my own needs.

    If this was not completely anonymous (I even spent half an hour thinking of a pseudonym which had no conceivable link to me), I would not mention this but I think my intelligence has a lot to do with my depression. I had my IQ measured a few times and it has always been between 150 and 155. Unfortunately, there were a lot of problems at school and I came away with very few qualifications. The subject of existential depression was brought to my attention about a year ago and when I read about it, it was the first time that I truly felt I that anybody understood me. However, it does not seem to be within the scope of anybody I have spoken to including two GPs, a counsellor and a psychiatric nurse. They just want to fix what they know about and anything else must be squeezed into one or other of those pigeon hole.

    I appreciate the suggestions about making a living. I actually just sold a lot of equipment just to pay my bills and the little money I have is barely enough to live on and any business needs startup money. I have thought about learning a new trade and I have not dismissed it as a possibility. I don't want to sound dismissive or use my illness as an excuse but when people say they have gut feelings, I have them to the extreme and when something causes me the slightest amount of anxiety, my guts react like a bull in a chemistry laboratory.

    By the way, I am using my skills voluntarily in some small ways. If nothing else, it keeps my skills up to date and I am hoping that one project I am working on will provide me with something recent to put in my portfolio.

    I also have a head full of contradictions and the thought that something may be just around the corner is always dealt a blow by experience. Nevertheless, it seems to have kept me going like a carrot on an ever extending telescopic stick.
  8. Aria11

    Aria11 Member

    Hi there,
    I really want to say something helpful but I am finding it hard. I think you need to firstly seek help for the physical symptoms you are feeling. Then again, stress and anxiety are also contributing to the pain so it is kind of a vicious cycle but you have to start somewhere. Once you feel better, you can find work or do your own thing but you need to stay busy. I am simplifying things I know but when I am feeling like crap, I usually write down step by step what I can do to change the things I can... I don't really know what you can do for a living but I am sure you have a lot to give, starting with your language! I would teach if I were you, English :)
    The best advice I can give you is the following (it has worked with me, but I am 25 so not much experience to draw from): don't think about your past, what is done is done. We have a saying where I am from "If you go dig up graves, don't be surprised if the souls of the dead haunt you forever".. It sounds better in my native language. What I am trying to say is that I felt exhausted when I read about your past and I am sure you feel it when you think about it too so imagine that you put everything in a bag and dropped it in the ocean. Don't you feel so much lighter? Think of your life as a new white page on which you can scribble anything. I think a lot of your anxiety has to do with the series of unfortunate events you went through.. Drop it. You now have a new life. What do you want to do? Sky is the limit. The nice thing about rock bottom is that you have nothing to lose. I hit it.. I am bipolar so I know severe depression. And I also know mania. I hit rock bottom when I was arrested by the police for having broken the window of someone's car because I thought they stole mine! I had lost my job and my boyfriend and was obviously delusional. If I think of the events of that period, my throat gets tight, my stomach hurts and my heart shrinks and feels like it is about to fall out of my ass... So I dont think about it. You have to do the same. When I talk about my past, I feel it has happened to someone else. What I am today, who I am today is not defined by what happened to me... I talk a lot so Im going to sum it up for you: 1) get healthy 2) find a way to make a living even if it is not what you always hoped for but at least it keeps you busy until you find what you really want to do 3) connect with whoever is in your life that you care for and they care for you 4) find a hobby and do it on a daily basis 5) get out of your house for daily walks, dont think about anything while you walk except the sky above, the sound of your feet, the trees around.. nothing else. Try to be your own doctor for a while, you know yourself enough to know what works and what doesnt. But seek help as well whenever you feel you need it.. I hope this helps, let me know if you need to talk and stay safe.
  9. vermilion

    vermilion Member

    Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

    I'm not a very good teacher, I'm afraid, I get a bit frustrated trying to share things which I know - perhaps because most of what I have learned, I have done so myself. I do try to teach a few people how to do certain things which I am good at but I always end up grabbing the mouse, for example, and doing it for them.

    I am also doing a few little things which are helping other people in various ways and they are very much creative things that I like doing. If I could just get on and do that kind of stuff, half my problems would disappear. It's the tightening of the screw by the government which is making things so much worse right now. There was a statement last week about removing benefits from people they think aren't doing enough to find work. That may not apply to me but it is the menacing way it was delivered and I am made to feel like I am not doing enough when I sign on even though I must spend two or three hours online every day looking for a job.
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