Had enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jecie, Sep 22, 2013.

  1. Jecie

    Jecie Active Member

    This goes two ways:
    - I've had enough of giving and giving and not getting back
    - I've had enough of placing myself last on the list of priorities

    I just realised with a sad-but-true feeling why I'm so alone, tired, fragile, frustrated:
    I take care of everybody with the biggest smile I can manage. I take care of my husband for all his needs...all his needs. I take care of my emotionally fragile mother as best I can, making sure that she's loved and taken care of. I take care of everybody else's feelings and often see how they get short-ended by other people. I was very young when I realised I had a sixth sense for seeing when somebody was getting shafted emotionally and immediately felt compelled to plug the hole thoughtless people left. I do it so well that everybody knows they feel better after having visited or just phoned. I also like making people feel better. I am almost never in the position to solve their troubles or fix a hurt, but often I can bring perspective or just make them laugh...the best medicine.

    Is it wrong to want someone like that for myself? Someone I can phone or go visit who can plug the hole or bring perspective? Friday I was told that I have bad endometriosis again. The endometrial cells have travelled through my body and attached themselves to other major organs. The Doctor suspects they are in my chest and also attacking my pancreas. They will be doing scopes and tests ad scans to determine where the cells are so that they can remove them in one go when they operate. The news was distressing to me. We have been trying to get pregnant. I have undergone fertility treatments and believe me they are not for the fainthearted. My husband's reaction was that we finally found what is wrong with you. We will fix it now. I haven't even gotten a hug.

    I'm past tired. I'm emotionally, spiritually, physically a husk. I'm on auto-pilot. The best I could do was to tell my husband that I seriously need support and a good holiday away from everything. He keeps asking me if it would be okay if we spent it at home painting and cleaning and patching up the house.

    NO! I need time away. I told him this so many times. Eventually I compromised and said we can go away for a week and come back to work on the house...he still has to give me an answer on the request for support. Now I'm posting here again. You Guys can't hug me or take me for coffee, or a comedy show and wipe my tears after. The best you can do is post a heart-felt response saying you're thinking of me. I don't even know you. After everything I've done for everybody around me I must admit I'm losing my faith in Karma.

    I have to face the obvious question, maybe one you are asking: but are you a bad person in other ways? Do I fall short in other areas and therefore do not deserve the love and support I require? Chances are, coming Monday morning I'm going to make an appointment with somebody who I can pay to listen to me. I will pay for the support. Sad. On a lighter note, I think this is how people become super villeins (sorry for the spelling, not sure).

    I am past asking who cares. The answer is Nobody apparently. I very clearly have to change my approach to life. If anybody has some suggestions, please please post them to me.

    And sorry for the rant.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Jecie You have caregiver burn out and your husband needs to wake up because it is very dangerous place for you to be in. I myself know that sadness you are feeling and yes you deserve care and understanding and compassion just as you give to others hun. If dear husband does not listen then YOU hun take care of yourself ok you go away for a weekend with a friend somewhere you can just go have fun even for an evening treat yourself ok

    Sending you much needed hugs hun remember you cannot take care of others if you are totally burn out so step back make boundaries that will include night out for you even if no one takes you you take you out ok hugs
  3. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    For the most part i believe karma is just another name for just world fallacy. There are people who comitted genocide living happily and feely, totally innocent babys who are born with HIV. It causes anxiety to think bad things happen to good people. so many people have the belief, good things happen to good people and bad things to bad. Its almost like a contract with the world so people dont feel vulnerable. As long as im "good" bad things wont happen... When someone else suffers a calamity we look for things they did wrong (victim blaming) and think if we avoid those behaviors or other ones that could get us in trouble we will be fine. To reiterate this is done to give someone a sense of security within our world that things wont go horribly wrong as long as they keep up their end of the "contract"

    I can relate to what youre saying about doing your best to be good and there for others but not getting the same in return.

    Even on SF i listened and was there for quite a few people but often times had no one to show interest/concern and chat about my issues. Or even worse have your life and problems be dismissed as trivial when someone knows next to nothing about your life.

    Sadly all actions are done out of self interest. Thats why theres not someone to listen. Someone that cheers another up is doing it to help that person, but they are also get to feel good themselves knowing they are aiding another person in a time of need. Then there could be some expectation that the other person returns the favor for recognizing what youve done for them. Getting recognition thus is also out of self interest because it may pay off in the future.

    Kudos to you for being there for others but you should take care of yourself more. Something like an hour or two a day just doing what you love the most.

    People often take kindness for a weakness and also for granted. ive had dangerous women use my kindness as a weakness, its something that can be exploited... If i was more of a judgmental jerk my life wouldnt be where it is now. By that im referring to mysel being a victim of psychlogical manipulation.

    Goodluck with things i hope youre feeling better soon.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 22, 2013
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I feel this way about my roommate. He basically uses me, someone who enjoys quiet and has nothing to really say as his tool to hear himself talk. The problem is that his life is very boring like my own and 80% of the time he repeats himself. If I show the slightest bit of annoyance he gets all bitchy and tells me that is just how he is.

    I say that you need to give your husband a choice. He can go away on a vacation with you or stay home and patch up the house. I find that people like us are seen as door mats so we are always willing to be passive and do what the other person wants. Make it known that you plan on doing this with or without him. That is what I do with everyone who pulls that kind of crap with me.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    (((( Jecie )))) I am so very sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like you have taken care of the needs of other people while asking for nothing in return. And now that you need something in return the people in your life are not about doing that. I do believe in Karma. But I do not believe that you have done anything wrong or bad to be recieving this lack of support. not at all. You sound like such a caring and good person. Sometimes caring and good people wind up finding people to give to. But the people are not so good at giving. They are great at receiving.

    Meanwhile you are in pain. Both emotionally and physically. I am glad to be part of your support team. I am so glad you will be paying a therapist to help you. I am wondering if that therapist and you can work on finding a support system where you live. People who will be willing to give. Not just receive. Because you deserve to be given to. I wish you had a friend you could go viisit. Someone who knows how to be there for you. Leave the husband for a week or two.

    The important and great thing is that you came here. You posted here. You said what you need. Thats great !! I am so very sorry that you have the endometriosis in different organs in your body. This sounds so painful on many levels. Here are a few hugs for you. ((((Jecie)))) :hug: :arms:
  6. Jecie

    Jecie Active Member

    @Total eclipse: thanks for your message. I do agree, I need to make time for myself. Would you believe me if I said I don't know what I need anymore? I must make time to get to know myself a bit better.

    @LightInTheDarkestNight: i read your message and immediately understood that this forum might be full of people who just want to receive ad not give so much. Mostly maybe because when you come here, you are empty already. One thing my therapist always told me is that different situations can hurt people differently. What is the end of the world to you, might be easy-pickings for the guy next to you. Nobody has the right to judge and tell you your problems are benign, because to you they are cancer!! <<HUGS>>

    @Forgotten_Man: your roommate needs to understand that he is irritating you. I bet you you are not the only person he annoys. Hang tough and I'll be rooting for you!!

    @Flowers: thank you so much. just came home from another doctors visit and he didn't clear anything up. i have to go back tomorrow. it now seems like it is in my liver too. i'm so tired, emotionally and physically. but i took all your advice and bought bubble bath and rich body cream. gonna have a night to myself, but i'll be surfing for a day spa and just taking a day to myself.

    I'm still angry. I re-read my post from last night and my head is throbbing, my back is sore, i have pain in my chest...can't tell my husband, because he just says, "forget about it". How do you tell a doctor you can feel there is something seriously wrong, without offending him and his knowledge? I love you guys and say thank you for your replies. I really appreciate it.

  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Thanks, my roommate is never going to admit that. Like most people who never shut up he believes his love of his voice makes him charming. I am moving away at the end of the lease anyway. I can suffer for another 7 months.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Again, I am so sorry for the pain and physical condition. I mean this with all my heart :hug: And it has been discovered that it is in your liver now. i am glad you are going to take a spa day. Giving to yourself. This is SO importnt, I think. I hope you will find support too. Sometimes when we finally allow ourselves to receive.... realize it is okay to want that, we open the door to it. And people will come. I hope thats the case for you.

    You asked "How do you tell a doctor you can feel there is something seriously wrong, without offending him and his knowledge" You said your doctor has diagnosed endomitriosis (sp?) in many organs. Do you feel there is more that is seriously wrong? Or are you saying that your husband is a doctor and does not believe the serious diagnosis that you already have?

    Please know you have ongoing support here. I also am hoping there is a local support group for what you have going on. Or perhaps an online support group. I always find that its good if anyone can find as much support as possible. So they can feel as held as possible. Being sick and alone is not good. Not at all. Being sick and alone amongst other people..... thats even worse, as you know.

    I am glad you found us. Sending many :hug: s for you
  9. Jecie

    Jecie Active Member

    Thank you Flowers! I appreciate your digital hugs so much!

    In answer to your question about my question about the doctor, I guess at the moment of typing the email I felt he was looking bored at the diagnosis. Like he wasn't taking it seriously. But I was wrong. I think it was displaced anger at my husband. The Doctor phoned today to ask how I was and just let me know that he got in touch with the specialist he wants to refer me to. That was special to me because today is a public holiday here. I also started reading up on the condition and made peace with the situation.

    There must be a support group somewhere close by. I'll ask Doctor next time we talk. Thank you so much for your support. I do feel calmer about everything today and will move over to the diary thread to start keeping a log of the progress through this process.

    Lots of smiles and hugs to you :hugtackles:
  10. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    While you post in the diary area, I also hope you will post in the interactive forum area. So you can get the support you deserve. I am so glad your doctor is taking this as seriously as needed. And I do hope you can find local support group.......... or even one online. I found this page with lots of links to possible support forims, when I did a google search https://www.google.com/#q=support+forums+for+endometriosis But please do continue to post here. Because I care. And I can see that other people here care as well. Thank you for the smiles and hugs. I send some to you :hug: :arms: :)
  11. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm sorry people are treating you this way, and you aren't a bad person. If you are always so kind and helpful towards others, there is no way you can be a bad person. I often feel the same way about myself, because I do everything for people, but then I get ignored, mocked, left behind, and I'm all alone when I need someone the most. So I know all too well how you're feeling. It's good to feel wanted, and it's time to stand up for yourself and let others know that you need support and caring, too. It's certainly not selfish to want love and attention after all you do for others. It seems like being selfless is a thankless job, but sometimes you just need to put your needs in front of others.