had enough

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by fed up, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. fed up

    fed up New Member

    Well I am so tired and I am on my last string!! My life is a mess all started about 20 years ago and it has been a downward struggle ever sense, so I have to vent!!! I found this site while looking on ways to end it, and I have done a lot of research on it. I have made a 3 system of death for myself cause after reading that people don't succeed I don't want that, I want it done! so if one fails I know one of the other 2 will work. When I do end my life, cause I know my day is close I even have the date made. I just have a few more details to finish up and it will be sleepy time.
    So here is my life story quick version, I got separated 7 years ago and my daughter 11 has been brainwash by my ex she don't want to come and see me, and I have had a company for 20 years and now, I am now going bankrupt with it due to the lost of business. The Gov. revenue I owe a ton of cash too, and I will be lose my house with no place to go! My girlfriend that I know is my sole mate, wants to break up with me, cause I screwed that up long time ago, and I have a 27 year old son that don't want to talk to me with 2 grand kids that don't even know me. I have only 2 good friends and there busy with there wife's and their family's. I spend most of my nights not sleeping cause I am tired of the pain, and scared of my future, where am I going?, and what will I do, I get maybe 2,3 hrs of sleep past year! The only time I can sleep is when I am with my gf I get 8 straight. Last nite I almost did end it the quick way, had it loaded and I ve tasted the steel for the first time..... I was crying shaking scared and alone. But I don't know why I didn't go through with it.... maybe I'm a coward I thought... but keep telling myself... is there a way out of this hell I am into? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
    Everywhere I look or try to get to, there is a brick wall, fence, ocean that I have to cross... I am tired of being beaten down, I keep getting back up but the weight that I am caring is too heavy and my nose is now covered by water. There is no hope for me, anymore. I once told my gf that I wanted to end my life then she got scared, so now she thinks if she leaves I will do the unimaginable, which is true I eventually will, but its not her the reason for me to do it...I don't want her to stay with me if that's the reason, its not fair to her, I wish I never told her. I'm tired of this life, tired of the letters tired of the phone calls tired of being ALONE, tired of not sleeping, tired of not eating, I get hungry I don't even feel like eating. I know that there are people out there that are worst than me, and they keep it together I don't know how they do it, there stronger I guess. I help a lot of people out that I meet, that are down on there luck, cause I see myself in a better spot than them. That's where I get confused, there worst than me but I am in hell myself, and I give them money or I will take them some food, coffee or I even got a guy a pair of gloves cause it was freezing out, he was a homeless. I am not looking for anyone's pity, I am not looking for that, I don't want to hear life is good think about the people that will be left behind .... trust me I always think of that, I try to talk to them but I cant bring myself to telling them my story and the way I feel. So I hold it all in. I don't want to hear, try and get another job, trust me I have now 3 jobs, just to try to stay a float, I have tried every day to get a better paying job. I don't want to speak to a shrink, due to one of my jobs I now have.
    Money is the route of all evil, this is true!! I have lost my life savings and lost my kids and lost my sole mate, and I dread every day when the sun comes up. I like the dark really dark, I sit in my living room in the dark by myself listening to the clock, tic tic tic. Listening second by second minute by minute hour by hour goes by, soon I wont hear that anymore, but it will be dark I like the dark..... Sorry I just had to vent, my day is coming soon.
  2. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member


    Thank you for sharing your story......... courageously honest and to the point.

    I see in you something special because despite your problems...... you still find the time to help others in need.

    You are a kind soul my friend........ to be honest i feel ashamed now because when i feel depressed, i feel hateful and even vengeful to society.....