Life gets easier but suicidal thoughts become more constant. This past year has been difficult for me. I've been assaulted physically, my mum had cancer and I had some really big issues at university. I abused alcohol and drugs. I have seen doctors, counsellors and a psychiatrist. I isolated myself from the world for a few months. I've lost relationships with family and friends. So when I say I turned 21 this August but didn't care for my birthday, you can probably understand. In the last couple of months... My mum had surgery and treatment for her cancer and it is now gone. I've managed to control the issues at uni and hope to finish soon. I rarely drink unless it's a special occasion and I've stopped taking drugs. I see family more often. I got a job and have made some new friends. I'm going out with some old friends (from uni) in a few weeks. I'm better at socialising, I'm more confident, my anxiety is fading away. I like the job - I get treated well and the customers I deal with are very polite and happy. I get on with my family - I have moved back home since the uni year ended in July. The friends I've made are really nice - they are kind, understanding and not complete dick heads. My old friends are really nice - they are kind, supportive and fun to be around. I don't crave drugs or alcohol anymore (except cigarettes, I have been smoking for 2 years). I don't know why I'm suicidal or why I have these feelings more so now. If I did know I probably wouldn't be able to explain it very well. Instead I'll tell you why I "think" I am feeling this way. I don't see a point to my existence. I don't enjoy my life. I don't contribute anything meaningful to the world (and even if I did that would mean nothing to me). I don't have any responsibilities - no one is dependent on me. I do not care about or love myself, quite the opposite in fact. I would not feel as if I missed out on anything in this world if I died tomorrow. I don't know... I'm useless, pathetic, stupid, angry, upset, suicidal, in pain, helpless. I hate myself and want to push everyone away from me. I thought I could leave SF (as it's one of my biggest support structures) and that would help to worsen my thoughts. I'm really stupid like that. I'm unstable and scared. I thought about quitting my job, quitting uni, leaving friends and family, and just going to another country, just so that I am isolated and feel even worse than I do now. What the hell is wrong with me (please don't answer that). Thank you for reading my thread. It was initially going to be a diary entry but I thought that I could post it here because people on SF are really nice and supportive. You don't have to say anything though. It's a long post so I don't expect many people to read it full way through. It was more for me to get everything off my chest.