Had Enough

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cicada 3301, Sep 25, 2015.

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  1. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Life gets easier but suicidal thoughts become more constant. This past year has been difficult for me. I've been assaulted physically, my mum had cancer and I had some really big issues at university. I abused alcohol and drugs. I have seen doctors, counsellors and a psychiatrist. I isolated myself from the world for a few months. I've lost relationships with family and friends. So when I say I turned 21 this August but didn't care for my birthday, you can probably understand.

    In the last couple of months... My mum had surgery and treatment for her cancer and it is now gone. I've managed to control the issues at uni and hope to finish soon. I rarely drink unless it's a special occasion and I've stopped taking drugs. I see family more often. I got a job and have made some new friends. I'm going out with some old friends (from uni) in a few weeks. I'm better at socialising, I'm more confident, my anxiety is fading away. I like the job - I get treated well and the customers I deal with are very polite and happy. I get on with my family - I have moved back home since the uni year ended in July. The friends I've made are really nice - they are kind, understanding and not complete dick heads. My old friends are really nice - they are kind, supportive and fun to be around. I don't crave drugs or alcohol anymore (except cigarettes, I have been smoking for 2 years).

    I don't know why I'm suicidal or why I have these feelings more so now. If I did know I probably wouldn't be able to explain it very well. Instead I'll tell you why I "think" I am feeling this way. I don't see a point to my existence. I don't enjoy my life. I don't contribute anything meaningful to the world (and even if I did that would mean nothing to me). I don't have any responsibilities - no one is dependent on me. I do not care about or love myself, quite the opposite in fact. I would not feel as if I missed out on anything in this world if I died tomorrow. I don't know... I'm useless, pathetic, stupid, angry, upset, suicidal, in pain, helpless.

    I hate myself and want to push everyone away from me. I thought I could leave SF (as it's one of my biggest support structures) and that would help to worsen my thoughts. I'm really stupid like that. I'm unstable and scared. I thought about quitting my job, quitting uni, leaving friends and family, and just going to another country, just so that I am isolated and feel even worse than I do now. What the hell is wrong with me (please don't answer that).

    Thank you for reading my thread. It was initially going to be a diary entry but I thought that I could post it here because people on SF are really nice and supportive. You don't have to say anything though. It's a long post so I don't expect many people to read it full way through. It was more for me to get everything off my chest.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Don't worry your thread was not too long, I read it all twice lol!

    To me, from what I have seen yes you had problems with college but as far as I know they were fixed, hope I am right in saying that. You are confident, smart and funny! Now that is a combination that is impressive! I understand why you dislike your birthday, just feels like another year until growing old gracefully lol But you are my friend and I think you are an outgoing wonderful person. I don't like to see you hurting because you're a great person. I hope the thoughts fade away into the darkness and you come back to see the light! You're amazing :)
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Bob, just letting you know that I have read this. I want to reply to it properly but might take me a while but just wanted to let you know that I have read this and care.
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not think you are feeling or consider things (the intentionally self destructive) anything or to any more extreme than many of us (in fact I would say most people) do sometimes. The alternative to considering tor actually carrying out self destructive thoughts is to put your whole body and soul into something and still risk failure. Only if you put your whole body and soul into achieving something and still fail then you are left in an impossible place.

    That is scary ; far more scary then intentionally self destructing. So while you fail, you know you were going to and know why, and have complete control of the entire situation. It is easy to feel like that is a better alternative than to risk it all and have no control of results. While you have the ability to succeed, you still need to develop the confidence to. The uni cannot teach that - and to get that you have to risk it all a few times- and fail. Risking it all and winning means nothing for confidence. That fear of failure still exists. Risk it all, fail, and recover and all be fine - that is where confidence comes from and how you lose the fear.
  5. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    They are fixed as well as can be and now only have a few pieces of coursework left to complete. I don't really like my birthday because I don't like the attention on me. Plus I don't personally see the importance of celebrating 365 days passing. Thanks for being my friend, you help a lot.
  6. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Its not celebrating the passing of 365 days (that would be new years eve) its the celebrating the fact that you were born. And that is worth celebrating in anyone's book. YAY FOR BOB BEING BORN!
  7. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Thank you for reading my thread. You don't have to reply if it will take you a while, use that time for something else :) Like playing sims! or we could play gta together :p Thanks for caring.
  8. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Ben I feel really bad for saying this but I am not understanding your post. May I ask which part of my post you were responding to? It's going over my head for some reason, maybe its because its late, sorry about that :(
  9. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I know what it is :p To me it is not worth celebrating, billions have been born and died. Billions still live and millions share the same birthday as me. I don't wish I was not born, but I see no reason to celebrate my own birth (cause am a piece of *insert curse word here*). I appreciate that other people (99% of the world) think differently on this matter and I respect that they want to celebrate birthdays. In fact, I appreciate when I am invited to birthday parties and I guess I don't mind it too much when I receive presents and money for my birthday! :p
  10. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Okay. You and I both know we have had similar thoughts and struggles as of late. You've been under an incredible amount of stress over the past few months but you've done incredibly well and are coming out the other side and to cut out the drink and drugs whilst under this stress is commendable. Now you have a bit of time to sit and ruminate on those events whilst being a bit less consumed so it's understandable that the depression is starting to hit. And it's also understandable that whilst your mum is getting better and you've been off uni for the summer you feel like you've lost your purpose. But you do have a purpose and that's to treat yourself well and to be you!!! Because you are fabulous although you might not feel like it right now. There are a few things you can try to treat yourself a little kinder and more compassionately and if you are interested you can PM me.

    When you want to self destruct and isolate yourself it's a sign of the depression getting worse. Many a times I've isolated myself and self destructed because I felt I wasn't worth the bother. But I am, and you are too. Sometimes there's far too much onus on being successful, popular, having a family etc to fulfill a purpose but really your purpose is you and whatever you want to do. You owe it to yourself to be kind to yourself.

    As for lack of enjoyment and lack of interests, do you feel like you've stagnated in your interests and hobbies? For me I still enjoy my interests and hobbies. I love my gaming, I love going for walks and I love going swimming when I can be bothered, I love going to bingo and I love seeing my friends. It's just that when I don't do those things and I am left alone with my thoughts and myself the strong urges of wanting to self destruct and die come back to haunt me. Do you still enjoy them, but hate the feeling of when you stop or do you just have no enjoyment whatsoever? If it's the latter then maybe it's time to find new hobbies.

    And now I'm going to mention the obvious. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? Open and honestly? What does your doctor propose and are you going to receive any therapy? It's not going to cure your depression so don't expect it to "fix" you but it can certainly help you come to terms with your illness and make it more manageable and keep it in remission. Sometimes we focus so much on wanting to be better when we are ill that we get disappointed and downhearted when we try everything we can with little relief. Some times acceptance is a better remedy than false hope.

    I'm starting my journey into understanding my illness better and what it means for me, how it is affecting me and a journey into discovering myself. My meds and therapy will most certainly help with this but I am going to explore alternative therapies and meditation to achieve this. I don't expect it will be easy and I'm not sure I'll ever achieve 100% stability but I will give it a good go. I owe myself this opportunity. I hope you will join me in trying to achieve a manageable life style. I see so many similarities between you and me and I think a lot of people are in the place we are in. Some don't make the journey, some make it through and I hope that we do and are examples that hard work, compliance and determination can enable you to overcome and management our illnesses!
  11. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    I never realized that so much had been happening to you Bob. That is a lot for anyone to handle. And, I hope you don't mind my saying so, but you are still really young to have so much dumped on you at once. I hope you will take some time to congratulate yourself for coming through it as well as you have.

    I learned to hate myself at a young age. My parents accidently taught me that by being so critical about my weight. I learned that I was unacceptable because I was fat. They did not mean to teach me that. They were trying to encourage me to lose it. After all these years I remain fat and hating myself. It is a very difficult thing to unlearn. I like the winter because I can go the the mailbox in the dark and no one can see me. I also don't see a point to my existence. Even my faith does not seem to provide that. And I don't believe I contribute to much of anything. Except perhaps to the kleenix and toilet paper industries (I use a lot of both). I think you have nailed another one of my characteristics. That of trying to push other people away. And I am very good at that.

    But some other things come to mind too. After a while the idea of suicide becomes what the doctors call an 'automatic thought'. Something goes wrong and you automatically think about ending it all. You have thought about it so often, that it just comes to mind. Even if you don't really mean it, it comes to mind. You describe yourself as useless and pathetic. I don't see you that way at all. I look at you as supportive and helpful. A pleasure to know. There are so many ways, usually negative, in which we look at ourselves. Yet others don't see us that way at all. I know that doesn't help a lot. Because it is most important how we see ourselves. But you have probably seen many people on this site who see themselves as worthless, but you don't see them as being that way at all. I know I look at myself as a pathetic beast who would be better off dead and buried. But I expect others would dispute that, just as others dispute the way you look at yourself.

    It does sound like we have another thing in common. We have both considered finding a way to make things worse. That way we might actually reach the point of being able to end it all. But it would seem to be wiser to try the opposite. To find a way to make it better. Years ago I read a book called "Man's Search for Meaning". I think Viktor Frankl was the author. He was a survivor of the concentration camps. He later became a psychiatrist. He advised his clients to find just one thing to keep them going. Then build from there. It did not have to be anything grand. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the feel a a cool breeze on a hot day. It is such a pleasant feeling. Or the feeling of the sun on a cold day. Or another hug from my favorite teddy bear.

    I hope you can find some small thing to keep you going. And that it will give you the time to find a much greater reason to stay around. Meanwhile, know that you are very much appreciated and needed here.

  12. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your post almost made me cry :p Ignore anything I put in brackets, I think I deleted them all but there might be a few left, it just helps me to write things easier first time round.

    "Now you have a bit of time to sit and ruminate on those events whilst being a bit less consumed so it's understandable that the depression is starting to hit." I think I understand, it feels like it has come full force out of no where and why should it, everything is great in my life, or at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself, but it's not true and you are right, it's just hit big time. We have had similar thoughts and struggles, I haven't PM'd you before or any other friends here because I feel like I would be bothering you/them. I appreciate you saying I can pm you, I need to treat myself better and in 5 years it is an issue I have never confronted (because why the fuck should I). "Because you are fabulous although you might not feel like it right now." That made me smile lol, thanks *hugs* Okay, whatever you have to suggest I'll try because it's now becoming a serious issue for me and I could do with treating myself with some kindness and compassion.

    I know :( and I do it on purpose every time :( I was going to delete all my friends on here, which stupidly, I've done 2/3 times already, turn my profile page to private and block PM's but apparently there is a new feature which allows people to follow you and that can't be removed so I didn't bother.

    Not really. I still enjoy doing things like you. "It's just that when I don't do those things and I am left alone with my thoughts and myself the strong urges of wanting to self destruct and die come back to haunt me. Do you still enjoy them, but hate the feeling of when you stop." Yeah, this one. I have lots of hobbies and interests that entertain me. I like to play sports like golf, cricket, football, badminton, snooker, etc. I watch a lot of sports too - tennis, football, cricket, rugby, snooker, athletics, F1, etc. I watch a lot of tv shows and films, I really love my sci-fi and action. I like gaming a lot too, I have a ps3 and ps4. I love to read and listen to music. I enjoy cooking, eating out, going to the gym, cinema, bowling, going out. I even like working. And I like seeing my friends and family.

    Yes, but I'm not very good at explaining things, my mind gets full and my thoughts are confused (what the fuck am I trying to say, I'm not sure, but I hope you understand). What I want to say, it doesn't always come out right and maybe I don't get my point across very well. My doctor proposed seeing a counselor. She told me after the 2nd session that we will have to stop them because I am not opening up enough. I had never opened up to anyone more in my life, stupid bitch. I went to see a university counselor after that, she helped me a lot, but at the time I was facing multiple issues, including issues relating to university work, so the bigger and long-term issues that have affected me were not discussed in much detail. My doc put me on medication, and I got an appointment with a psychiatric nurse. It went good, we covered lots of things, pretty much everything about me. He told me to think about which sort of therapy I would like to do - CBT or Something Dynamic therapy. My doc booked me in for the dynamic one and I am on the waiting list :) It is 18 months average waiting time. "It's not going to cure your depression so don't expect it to "fix" you but it can certainly help you come to terms with your illness and make it more manageable and keep it in remission." This much I know, it is on me to make myself better by engaging in things. The medication and therapy will help to lessen my thoughts and feelings, but I still have to take action to make myself feel better because If I don't change anything how can I expect to get better, they don't just give you magic pills or treatment :)

    I'm glad you are facing your illness head on and trying to understand it better. I hope the meds and therapy get you onto a path to where you can start to pick up the pieces of old. You can get better :) I appreciate everything you said to me in your post, I'm sorry that my reply is a bit all over the place, but it's the best I could write at the time. Yes, I will join you in trying to achieve a more manageable lifestyle, it is the least I owe myself. We share many issues and similarities, and together, by supporting each other, it may make the journey you spoke of a little easier. We will make it through, don't worry, you know how sometimes you just know things? This is one of those times, you'll make it through to the other side and I'm sure I'll be right behind you.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 28, 2015
  13. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    It sounds like you have been dealing with an awful lot in the past year, so it is understandable why you feel depressed, even if things are not as tough now. I get to a point where things go so badly I want to die, I can't stop crying and say it's the end, and the next day I just feel blank. Maybe you dealt with so much you just started to feel numb, and now it has hit you all at once. That's just speculation though, as I am speaking from personal experience. You aren't stupid or anything else you said you are. I can understand you just fine. Besides, I am pretty sure I won the incoherency award a long time ago. Read my posts for proof. :p Okay my point I guess is that it doesn't matter how much people build you up if you see yourself as at the bottom of the pile. Sorry if that doesn't make sense, my metaphors are not often clear enough. But if you start to understand why others see you in a positive way, then you might start to see yourself in a better light.

    You shouldn't abandon everyone, quit school or your job or run away. Though I know that feeling all too well. My backups are always kill myself or run away where no one can ever find me. But that will just make things worse. You are important here so you shouldn't leave the site, especially if it helps. It is sort of like a safe haven from the storm of life. I don't know where I'm going with this, though I felt compelled to reply as I hate to see you or anyone else feeling this way. I know I can be like a gnat, but I hope my advice helped somehow or if it even resembles English and not some random word salad. :rolleyes:

    Oh, and you won't bother anyone by messaging them. That's what the site is here for. You can even talk to weirdos like me. I am the site eccentric after all. :D Well I hope this made you smile or even feel somewhat better. You are important and your life does matter. You have a lot to give to the world so don't give up; turn to us in times of need. We will always be here to listen :)
  14. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hey Barb, no I don't mind at all :) I am not sure about congratulating myself, but I definitely feel happy (or proud) that I have managed to come out on the other end of all of it.

    I have seen first hand what it is like when parents believe they are trying to help you, but instead they can scar us for life. People tend to forget the value words have, they have the ability to cut deeper than anything else and they sometimes even stay with us for our whole lives. My dad would regularly try to tell my sister about her weight, but he would do it the wrong way, I could see what she felt, she didn't feel good about it, she knew she had a problem, but she didn't need to be constantly told that she was fat. It's not a nice thing to hear. I heard it a lot in high-school. In fact, a lot of people would never talk to me solely because of my weight and the way I looked, I began to hate myself too. In four years of high-school I never had any female friends because they acted like I didn't exist. The only women that would talk to me were my sisters, mum and cousins. The thing is, when you get older you start to realise that a lot of people have issues with their weight and it goes to both ends of the spectrum - too much and too little. What I learned was that people care less about your weight when you are older and more about who you are as a person. People come in all different shapes and sizes, but it's who they are inside that defines them, not their looks or aesthetic qualities. Personally, I believe you contribute a lot, you are a really nice person. Very kind, supportive and funny! But I do understand that feeling you have of wanting to push people away and isolate yourself. I'm also very good at that.

    "I know that doesn't help a lot." It does help a lot, sometimes I just need to be reminded that what I think of myself is not the way the world views me. It's funny, because like you said I don't see other people as worthless and I could give lots of reasons for why each person has worth here, but then I will say that I am myself worthless, which is something I don't think I actually believe, but it is something I am trying to constantly convince myself of. It's like if you are told something enough times you start to believe it. It's pretty much what I'm trying to do to myself. I just have to keep telling myself that I am a monster and that nobody loves me, and eventually it will become true.

    "It does sound like we have another thing in common. We have both considered finding a way to make things worse. That way we might actually reach the point of being able to end it all. But it would seem to be wiser to try the opposite." Yes, you are right, we are all here on SF because we are trying to get better (whether we want to believe it or not) and trying to do the opposite only knocks us further backwards. That sounds like a really good idea, there are many things that keep me going and I need to keep building on them. Even the smallest things can help a great deal. I actually have a Radley teddy bear from when I was younger, maybe I will give it a hug later :p I'll tell you the story of how I got the bear, I must have only been 7/8 years old. I was doing some shopping in B&Q with my dad and we were walking through the isles when a shelf fell down and hit me straight on the head lol. The manager was very apologetic and told the higher ups about the situation. They mailed a letter of apology and with it came a cute little bear which I've had ever since.

    I hope so and I hope the same for you. Thank you for your post, I appreciate your kind words and support.
  15. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    It has been a very difficult year for me. It has been hard to cope and I haven't reached out much. Maybe that is what it is, it has all come and hit me at once. I try to see what other people say about me, but it's hard to believe that I am good or helpful, when I have heard the opposite all my life. I don't know if I can see myself in a better light, but it is something I need to work on. It's hard to trust people, I just tell myself they are telling me nice things to be polite and that it's not actually true. If I was an asshole, would people here really admit it? Sometimes I feel like my life is a joke, like in the truman show. Everyone is messing with me and life is false, but that's just my mind trying to make me believe that I'm no good :(

    The site does help and I only wanted to leave to make myself feel worse. I believe everyone here is important, but not myself. I know I am wrong in this, but that is what I have convinced myself of. Regardless, my importance here or contributions don't matter in terms of leaving, if I felt I could hurt myself more or isolate by leaving, then I would do it just to hurt myself :( Thank you for replying, I appreciate you taking out time to respond to my post :)

    I'm trying to message people more, but it has been an issue for me for a long time. I just feel like a bother in general, which is why I don't message people. I felt scared to even post this because (I don't really know sorry). I'm trying to open up more about myself and get help and advice and this post has helped me to do that. It's a good step I've taken and if I feel like I need some extra support, I will post here again. It's good to know that there are people here who will listen to what I say.
  16. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Hmm, I have had the same issues for a long time. Like when people called me ugly for long enough, I find it hard to believe when people say otherwise. Or that I am a good person when I am usually seen as bad. But the people who make you feel bad are assholes, not you. And no one would tell you that here because it's simply not true. Your mind can be a bitch and play tricks on you. For example, I think I am a hideous pathetic loser who doesn't deserve anything good to happen, but in reality this is not true at all. So try to tell the negative voices to just shut up, they aren't worth your time anyway.

    You do contribute a lot here. Come on, you were even a chat monitor. They don't just give positions of power here to anybody. That requites a certain amount of trust and responsibility. Everyone here is equally important, no one's problems supersede anyone else's. We are all here for help, and if you find support here, then you should not leave, especially not to isolate and hurt yourself more.

    It's good that you are opening up more and that it is helping you :) I promise you are not bothering anyone, whether friends or otherwise. You can even talk to me, and I realize I have been, well I guess unreasonable around here in the past, but I have been working on that. I have been dealing with a lot too, but I am trying to keep my issues under control. I promise I won't bite, even if my teeth are sharp :p
  17. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Bob, I remember high school as being brutal. I was never popular. Never had a boy friend. Did not get asked to the prom. Even had one guy make an obscene phone call to me. My brother took the phone from me and took care of the situation. The dude never bothered me again. You are right, as we get older people don't care about weight so much. But our bodies rebel from carrying for so long. Mine has been exchanging "words" with me for some time now.

    Two of the things many things that have helped me a lot on this site is reading other people's reasons for wanting to die and reading about the after effects of those who have tried and survived. For example, there is one young man, only in his 20's, who now needs a kidney transplant because of his attempt. And when I think other people's reasons for wanting to die don't sound very reasonable, I figure they probably think the same about my reasons. And we are both probably right. There are really very few good reasons to end a life.

    I am not familiar with the Radley bear. WIll have to google it. My favorite bear is Rudi. He is my avatar. He has big yellow eyes. We have been best buds for over 20 years. But I still remember the day I got him. I was at a store that sold only teddy bears. I had been looking and looking, but saw nothing I liked. Then I caught a flash of yellow in the side of my eyes. I turned and there was Rudi. He is a handmade bear. I later met the artist and have many more of her bears. Rudi is my fire bear. If the house ever burns. He is the first and only thing I grab.

    Bob, I think when we are younger we are much more susceptible to the negative feedback we received from other people. I used to play cards with a group who always criticized me. But at least I was with people. As I have gotten older, it is easier to let the criticism just slide off. Sounds like you put of with a lot of crap when you were young. I hope you can find some more positive people to be with who can help you recover from the cruelties of youth.
  18. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I find that a lot of people have that issue, depressed or not. Everyone gets hurt in life and is told they are something they are not at one point or another. Whilst we are able to shrug off certain things, others we cannot. Sometimes, no matter what people tell us we can't believe it, too much of the opposite has already been ingrained in us. People can tell me I am good, but I am not (deep down I know I am telling myself a lie. I don't truly believe I am a bad person, I have bad qualities, but in times of suffering I quickly turn against myself and well, there's not much convincing that needs doing, I already know all the "reasons" I am a bad person and so it doesn't take me long to start believing that again).

    As I said in my first post "I don't contribute anything meaningful to the world (and even if I did that would mean nothing to me)". The brackets was contingency in case someone brought up that I am a staff member here. While I appreciate that I have been made a staff member (it was a kindness done to me, which sometimes I feel I do not fully deserve), I do not believe that I contribute anything more than anyone else here. A forum relies on many parties to contribute to make it into a community. If one person contributes more that is a good thing, but without everyone else and something to contribute towards, they would be alone. I agree that a problem that one person is experiencing cannot be compared or seen as more important, especially here. Everyone reacts differently to events; everyone has different feelings and emotions. People can be triggered in different ways and a person who is facing constant bullying at school can be at as much risk as someone who has lost a dear friend or family member. It depends entirely on the circumstances and if you don't know the person it is especially important to keep an open mind as you don't know what they have been through or what they are currently facing. The quote "you never really know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes" comes to mind. I do find support here and I will try to keep that in mind the next time I consider leaving to isolate myself.

    Yes, I believe so. I'm glad it is helping :) I appreciate you saying that I am not a bother. Thank you for your offer, but I will likely keep things to myself, even though I shouldn't. It's what I am used to and it helps me most the time. When things become too much or I start noticing that I am feeling down or suicidal I will consider messaging people here or creating a thread again like this. I hope you are able to overcome what you are dealing with. Keeping up the fight is important and if things feel like they are spinning out of control, then this forum is a perfect platform to receive support (but you already know that). Good luck with everything you are fighting :)
  19. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    High-school is a horrible place full of some of the cruelest people on earth. First week of high-school, a kid threw a pen at my face and him and his mates started laughing at m. I asked him what that was for, he told me to shut up, so I told him to fuck off. I went to the field at break, he came over and people gathered around like it was some kind of ritual. I hadn't been in a fight before so I didn't really know what he was going to do. He proceeded to punch me in the face about 30 times and then walked off with his hands in the air. A teacher saw and took me to head teacher and I wrote out my statement, went back to class and my friends were laughing at me. I asked what's so funny? They said my eyes were black. I had gotten 2 black eyes and the colour didn't fade for about a week. I guess so, we will always remember the things that hurt us, even from that age and they will carry for a long time. I'm not hurt much by highschool memories anymore, it was a long time ago and I'm trying to not let it bother me anymore.

    I feel really bad for anyone who needs a kidney transplant, it is a horrible predicament to be in. Dialysis and a waiting list is what you are given, and in this country that waiting list could mean 5/10 years (or your death) before you receive a transplant. There are kids out there that need kidney transplants, it's quite upsetting. I read up on it quite a bit when I was younger. The dialysis treatments are so long and take out so much of your week. Not enough people in the UK get kidney transplants in time. When I was 17 I tried to donate my kidney altruistically, I failed because although there is no such law in the Human Tissue Act (2004) about under 18's donating, the doctors and transplant coordinator felt I was too young to understand. I tried again when I was 19/20, the woman who was overseeing my application disappeared and after months of trying to contact her I finally got through to someone who knew her, she had fallen very ill. I'm confident the next time I try I will succeed and that my mental health issues will not come in the way of donating. 20 is too young to be needing a transplant, that's just sad :( I don't know what I think about life, on one hand I think our existence is without point or purpose, but then I have this overriding feeling that all life should be treasured. It's difficult.

    I'll try find a picture of one similar to mine. "Rudi is my fire bear. If the house ever burns. He is the first and only thing I grab." Ahahahahahahahahaha :D I do not have any fire items. I guess I would grab my little sister in one arm and my ps4 or laptop in the other. Actually, I could give my little sister a piggy back and then I could save my PS4 and laptop too :p

    Yes I suppose we are. When we are younger we are susceptible to a lot, our minds are like sponges, we are able to absorb so much knowledge and memories. Would it surprise you if I told you that the majority of grandmaster chess players started out very young and started to get really good at around age 13-15. What I mean by good is, that they were able to beat people twice their age and defeat reigning champions within the field. I remember being good at chess when I was little and I was very good at snooker/pool (much better than I am today). I don't really know why that is or fully understand, but it is amazing. I used to play cards with a group that criticised me too :p But then, everyone was criticised in the group so I doubt it was as bad as what you received. While I didn't like being put down, same as you, at least I was with people. "Sounds like you put of with a lot of crap when you were young." Hmm, I suppose I did, not as much as other people, but it was still a lot. It doesn't hurt me today much, the criticisms were easy to slide off as I got a bit older. "I hope you can find some more positive people to be with who can help you recover from the cruelties of youth." Thank you very much :) I feel like I am making some new friends at work (and re-connecting with older friends) who are quite positive.
  20. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Bob, thank you for sharing so much. It definitely does make me feel closer. I will have to figure out how to add friends in this new format and give you an invite.

    What a horrible tale you tell about school and the beating you took. I suppose the other kid never got in any trouble. Life certainly is not fair. I have never been in a fight. I got mad enough at someone once to take a swing at her.....and missed. o_O But I don't think much about high school anymore either. It did have its good moments along with the bad. That is true with most of life.

    You are a brave soul to offer one of your kidneys. Especially at such a young age. You can never tell if something will go wrong with the remaining one and leave you in the lurch. I am an organ donor upon my death. But at my age they probably would not want much know. Unless somebody wants a bunch of wrinkles.

    I did find a Radley bear on Google. It looks like they make a number of them. Rudi is quite pleased to be my 'fire bear'. But it took me years to stop him from running around and taunting my other teddies about it! :mad:

    Yep, we are much better at learning things when we are young. Young brains are much more flexible. They actually have more connections between neurons too. That facilitates learning. But as we get older those unused connections die and we have to work harder to learn new things. That's why they say its best to learn a new language when young.
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