Had enough!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jan 24, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've had enough of feeling like this. I am constrantly battling urges to cut and thinking about when I'll next do it. I am feeling suicidal also and looking at ways in to that. I have been in hospital 2x over this weekend and it still doesn't do anything. Even being in over night on medical ward. Even being told by the psych nurse that if it continues we will be looking at admission. I have told him that would make it worse.

    I saw a Psychiatrist today and someone from Crisis team. Nurseman called the Psychiatrist this morning and arranged for someone from Crisis to be there. Was a waste of time. She gave me their phone number to call when I feel bad. I know I wont be doing that. If I make up my mind about something then it's made up and I am very stubborn. Had arguments with the Psych and Nurseman about diagnosis and I won't give in on it. I am battling all the time with my thoughts and it's when I give up on battling that I cut or OD. It's not as though I can feel it coming on. I really don't see what they can do!
  2. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :hug: I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. :( Maybe you need a better network of people you can talk to. I don't know. But if you end your life there is no turning back. I wish I had more I could say. I'm really sorry you feel so terrible. I'm always here if you need to talk. Just give me a PM ok?
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Sounds like you are on a negative path and not willing to take any professional advice.. You have to be the first one to take a step towards the positive.. Life can be fairly good if you want it to be.. No guarantees that things will ever be 100% but you can have a manageable life...I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to throw those negative thoughts to the curb and seek out some positive thoughts..
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I agree with the above re negative thoughts. I battle it myself so its not like I'm talking about some unknown.

    Of course, each of us differs, plus we often change with the seasons, winter in the UK being so devoid of daylight that I think anyone apart from new lovers, children and the happy go lucky souls are feeling a bit down perhaps. But I've had my play in the snow all the same.

    I guess a lot of depression comes from either sh** done to us or the sh** we hand out. I'm not sure which is the harder to deal with - I mean, for me I'm the asshole, but others have maybe been victims of assholes.

    You CAN change though. I changed but it was a process that had an interim period and a bit of an epiphany also. My interim was, like you, to think that life is never gonna get better. The 'doomsday boy syndrome'. We imagine the future so much that the present is lost. It really is!! We cry about the past - re-run it as if its like a TV show and we can edit it to make it better. We get maudlin - and maybe don't bother to brush our teeth twice a day. We don't plan on going nowhere so why bother shaving?

    This is the sh** that builds up. The little things we let go build up into bigger ones. We see the whole of the mess - not a mess which is individual problems that we can tackle on a good day if we see them as just single problems. The 'why bother' attitude sets in and becomes its own kind of self prophesy. We're all seers when depressed. Nostradamus on Prozac one and all.

    Only, we are WRONG. We cannot see the future - but we can guarantee it will be no good just by repeating it to ourselves at every available opportunity. In the morning - at night, being the popular times for self loathing to kick in.

    And here in the UK - I'm guessing many feel like sh** because we have idiots running the nation. Can barely read the news myself sometimes, it makes me mad. But that said, better to be mad at something you can change. If you have no job or employment its not your fault. You will feel bad but maybe its time to think that someone is a bigger idiot than all of us. We should try and stand up a little bit more - not so much for us but maybe others. We can only do this if we get into thinking in a positive way about ourselves and how we can help others.

    Don't let the bastards get you down. Try and connect with something that inspires and something you can call sacred. No matter how bad it seems right now - often as not the difference between a bad year and a good one is how we visualise the year ahead.

    Apart from maybe falling in love, a sure-fire key to happiness is to keep the mind busy with positive things. If you have physical health, you can at least help tidy a neighbours garden or volunteer to help out somewhere. Hell, we can do this from the comfort of our home - people here are doing a job of work in some cases. One day, this will be a profession of sorts - a recognised form of therapy. This forum alone saves the various medical authorities of many nations millions of dollars.

    So good luck mate and hope you can try to set aside whatever doom and gloom is out there. We are not alone. There is an army of poor people all over the world now standing up for the rights of people to be treated with dignity. Don't feel like you are nobody - others think that and maybe plan to make it so. Screw them all - every last hater and user and loser ever born of a mother!

    I hope and pray you find the inner strength to battle your depression. We can do it but its not easy and nobody here is saying that even a victory over depression means happiness all the time. Sadly, or perhaps thankfully, we do not know what is going to happen in life. Sure, this means some things might turn out bad - but if your life so far has always been bad or looked that way - you are due some good luck.

    There IS something out there for you. If I spoke to you for a while I'm sure you'd confess to some dreams or other. You must have some kinda interest, passion or niche that you have pondered. In the UK, for people like yourself, there are a few opportunities to educate yourself which might be the best first port to call at once you get over these blues.

    The year is just beginning. Like I say, visualise something good - see yourself doing something good and one step at a time, you can climb mountains my friend.

    Yours, also ****** off in the UK!
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    don't give up now. keep seeing the woman from the self harm network. you've barely given it a chance to work. don't worry about the diagnosis, just concentrate on getting better.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I know that. It's just putting it in to action. I think I have got the the stage where I feel I don't deserved to be helped. I have got to go to A+E tomorrow. I will tell them about the SH again and hope they offer to get someone from psych med down, hopefully nurseman. I am wondering if it's worth me printing off what I have written on here and on my blog and going from there?
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    That sounds like a good idea - you seem to be in so much pain and I think the medics need as much info as possible.
    Please take care x
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Do you think I could send it in anomynously...say one of you guys know me and that they were worried as I had been talking about not being honest etc?
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    That wouldn't be honest! Seems like it's time to grab the bull by the horns and tell them everything? X
  10. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    peacelovingguy, that was an excellent post. You had me laughing in some places.
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