I think it's time for me to go. There's nothing for me in this life anymore. There never was, but at least before I was able to feel at least a little good about myself for having that one relationship behind me that had genuine feeling and emotion in it. At least I could tell myself that I was loved once, even if I didn't believe it all of the time. Now I am really starting to doubt that. I fought with my ex a lot today. Something else from the past that he'd previously lied about came out and it hurt me so much. I know it's pathetic, because it's been over two years since the shit hit the fan and I really should be over all of this by now, but hearing more stuff come out.. realising that he'd lied to me still.. it hurt. My eyes are puffy from crying about it and my heart feels empty now. Why have somebody in there who generally doesn't give a shit about me? I feel drained of all my energy and just want to lie down and not wake up. I keep thinking about methods, methods, methods, but I'm so lame at everything I'd probably screw that up too. I wish you could hire out hitmen on yourself. I'd do that. I want to say all the things I'm thinking right now but I can't.. I keep thinking, "Would that work? Or what about that?" but I just don't know. I hate feeling this way. I preferred the suicidal me of a few weeks ago. At least then it was because I didn't feel anything. My life was empty and hollow and I felt like living was pointless. Now I feel everything; all the pain from back then and more, and just I want it to stop. There's this one method I've been thinking of a lot lately, and it seems so perfect. It'd end my life, but I wouldn't be the one taking it, it'd just put me in a situation where my life would most likely eventually end. At least then I won't go to hell. I don't know why I'm still talking. I should talk about how I'm feeling, and why, but all of that feels so pointless right now. If I'm going to take my life, I'll take it, right? There's nobody here that can make me feel any better, or make the harsh truth any different. My threads mostly go ignored anyways, which hurts sometimes, but I can't blame people for that. I feel like this should go in 'Let It All Out', but despite the seemingly calm, organised appearance of my thread.. I'm so close to doing it. I don't think I've ever been this close before. I've never attempted before, which I guess makes me lame in comparison to everyone else here. I've always been so frightened of doing something wrong and having to live with the consequences aftwards. Sometimes I think it's easier to keep on living than be reminded just how much of a failure I really am. I have nothing to lose now though. I've literally been stripped of everything. My pride, dignity, self-respect - it's all gone. I have no friends, no lovers, and my family pretty much couldn't care less, so I'm thinking of returning the favour. I had feelings for Mike.. they're gone. In the trash. If I survive another day, I swear to myself that I'll never have feelings for another man again. They are just not worth the pain.