Had Enough.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Boo Boo, Mar 15, 2012.

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  1. Boo Boo

    Boo Boo Member

    They say depression is like a bully, stand up to it!... I'm tired of fighting it, I'm done fighting myself!! I've beaten
    myself up too many times! I've broken myself down physically and emotionally... I don't sleep at night with these constant
    barrages of thought. Countless times I've told myself over and over, "STOP!!" but it only works for a brief moment, so I
    keep telling myself. I know there are those around me who care, and I know they notice all my thinking. When someone is
    talking to me, I usually don't notice. I'm oblivious to all things around me, and I could really give two shits what's
    going on because I'm lost in my own world of why's and what if's. My head is in the clouds and, in turn, putting me in a
    rut.

    Today is another day, another day that my mind has drifted, another day I've said I've had enough. What hurts me and
    confuses others is that I have nothing to be depressed about; Honestly, I have a life that some others would prefer to
    their own... but I'm still depressed... I feel alone when others, even friends are around. My mind wanders off unexpectedly,
    thinking of past events that have nothing to do with anything. Without even noticing I sometimes walk into the middle of
    traffic crossing the road. Do I want to pass down my depressive traits onto my kids? Do I want to take pills for this "illness"
    for short periods the rest of my life? Do I want someone or something to make me feel like I'm worth something instead of
    just feeling it myself? I've had enough thought about it and read into depression so much that I have a decent
    understanding of what my life is going to be like unless I do something about it that I haven't tried already. What else
    could there be? o_O

    All I've wanted was to be happy... and I can't do that for myself. If I can't make myself happy, how can something else?
    I've surrounded myself with people, tried to have fun, tried medication, gone through therapy and counseling, talked to and
    hung out with a couple close friends but have had no luck in alleviating these thoughts and misconceptions... I've been living
    with it for so long I've grown accustomed to the feeling of being alone and it's almost like I miss it subconsiously when I'm
    out and not thinking about it...I hate it... I hate the feeling so fucking much... I ask myself everyday, "Why do I keep having
    these thoughts? Why do I let it get to me? Why can't I stop it?" It's rumination of thought, and I do it with not just a
    significant event, but with every detail of my life. Why? Maybe it's a confidence thing, maybe it's just the way I am, or maybe
    I'm driving myself mad. What ever the case may be, I've had enough. It's not that I've lost this fight, it's that I don't care to
    fight anymore and too tired to run any longer. I don't know what to do...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 15, 2012
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Let me tell you a story that is true. It is far different from battling depression, but if you think about it... it gives example of a battle someone is having and that they won't give up.

    I have a friend who is an actor. He has been working at his craft for 20+ years now. His acting skills are incredible and he's MY favorite actor, in fact. He has done a few "b" movies, and has had small roles in various TV dramas, feature films, videos, etc. That said, he is still struggling for a role that will propel him and so that he becomes a star.

    In his 20+ years of working toward his goals, he has lost his real full time employment (professional, well paid), has divorced his wife, struggled with months and sometimes years of not having any money (he lives in a one room apartment).

    These things I've described should be enough to not only toss in the acting towel... but to cause depression also. Despite this, he pushes on. His dream and his love is acting, and I imagine he will continue to struggle until he either makes it big, or he passes on of old age.

    As I said, I'm not comparing his situation to your depression. It is not the same at all. Also, depression is not a decision someone makes... as is acting for a career. HOWEVER, what is important to glean from this is the lesson of finding a lifetime goal and then not letting anything stand in the way of at least trying forever to achieve that. Make happiness your "goal" and work toward it. Don't give up. Just as the actor is probably tired and frustrated every day (imagine audition after audition without landing roles, the whole time wondering how you'll pay your rent that month). Take another deep breath, I'm sure you have done that many times before, and then get back on that road for recovery and keep on driving non stop through the day and the night... day after day... night after night.

    Speaking of actors, a man that really inspires me is actor Michael J. Fox. Have you seen him lately? Do you know of his incredible fight with his disease and the advocacy he is doing to find a cure? I watched him shaking on a TV interview last night and I realized that for all that he does... he knows that there is not a cure in sight for him within his lifetime... and yet, he has devoted all his time and efforts into advocating for a cure. His goal in life is to see that others do not suffer from what tries to destroy him. We all loved him in movies such as "Back to the Future," but his real inspiration is the way he fights.

    Good luck. Set goals. Be a fighter who never hits the mat.
     
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Depression is a disease. It doesn't matter your social status, how much money you have, what your situation in life is.

    You don't have to fight this by yourself. We're a community of caring individuals who help each other.

    You can't "make" yourself happy, if you have depression.

    A good therapist can help, and a psychiatrist, there have been many advances in treating depression, including medication, and/or therapy.

    There are many of us here who can tell you that treatment works, that they are able to enjoy life again.
     
  4. rv498

    rv498 Well-Known Member

    I've tried treatments but don't work. You have to make yourself happy if you want to be truely happy. No drugs or psychotherapy can truely liberate you from the slavery of depression.
     
  5. Boo Boo

    Boo Boo Member

    pickwithaustin,
    I appreciate your story a lot. It's a powerful message. I just have so much trouble finding something I actually enjoy doing. Of course it's worth it to fight for happiness, I believe I should be happy, but why should I have to fight for it?! I may not have fought for 20+ years, but in the past 4 it already has taken it's toll on me. I feel like I'm a middle man of history with no purpose or place...

    1lefty,
    I've tried medication and therapy, I've tried reaching out and have been for years! I believed it could work for me, but my experiences have shown me otherwise.

    rv498,
    That's how I see it too. It's a lot easier said than done... making yourself happy.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 17, 2012
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