I've decided that I'm going to suicide tonight. I've put it off too many times for other people who needed me and I think it's time I do it for myself. I hate this guilty feeling I constantly have. I know people love me, well some, there are those certain people who treat me like shit, but anyway I hate to leave them but I just dont see the point in living in misery. I've always thought about the future and honestly, I just cant see me going out and helping suicidal people as a suicidologist, I cant even help anyone on here! I'm just so awkward and stupid. I can't think, and people generally think I'm retarded and stupid. I'm tired of the worries of this world, they've always consumed me. Hell, I'm even afraid of something as pathetic as using the bathroom (I live in a dorm and share one with 28 girls). I'm so tired of living in fear and depression. And I'm tired of the pity everyone gives me because my sister suicided. I hate pity, I like respect but when professors look at me with that face thinking "awwh that poor girl is a living tragedy." I'm just hoping that I succeed. But with my luck I know I wont. Either way I'm trying until I'm dead. Funny thing is that I haven't been this excited in so long. I'll be able to see my sister again, I just miss her so much. Mom, Dad, and Barry, I'm so sorry to put you through this again. I just cant do it anymore. I hope you can forgive me..