had thoughts of suicide again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cutiepie132, Aug 15, 2011.

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  1. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    and then, i took one look at my baby girl and thought to myself how in the world could i ever even let such a thought cross my mind. i'm in so much pain today and i am so drained right now, it's unbearable.

    i'm not going to do anything so no need to talk me out of anything. i just wanted to get those feelings off my chest.
     
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Hey CP - my PM box is open if you wanna talk any more about what's happening.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Cutiepie, I'm glad you thought about your daughter..It's something she will have to live with if you go thru with it..My daughter grew up with out me because my ex took off before the divorce was final..So I saw my daughter very little..Now she is going on 30 and her life is a mess.. She knows I am suicidal and she is also...But she has my grandaughter to take care of..Keep thinking about your daughter and how it will affect her when she is olf=d enough to understand what happened..Take care!!
     
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Talking and sharing helps so much cutiepie

    I'm sure you will be able to learn a lot here about strategies and tactics - and we will learn a lot from you also.

    How old are your little ones?

    Do they like playing out?

    Hope your mood lightens - and take each day as it comes and use this place to sound off and unload!!

    Thanks for reading - wish you well!

    Your doing a fantastic job with the kids.

    And make some mates with the other mums and girls here.

    I've made a friend request - so start low with idiots like me and build up towards the sensible ones.
     
  5. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    She's 16 and she is old enough to understand, and I don't let her see me that way if I am sad. I know that is best.

    I am very very sorry that you have to see your daughter go through such a thing. My heart wouldn't be able to stand that.

    I'm okay, I took some tramadol, went to bed vomitting, and moaning, and about a half hour later, most my pain was gone. So I'm getting a break and I seriously needed one.
     
  6. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    My little one's are 16 and 21, not so little anymore. I still think of them as my babies. I had my first one when I was 18.. Started kind of young. I know I have done a pretty good job, though we've had some rough times. My son has the most heartfelt job out there, he risks his own life to protect ours. They are both something else. I love them to death.

    Thank you. I actually prefer the idiots.. I love a good sense of humor. :biggrin:
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    :cheekkiss:cheekkiss glad you got relief of your pain hun hugs
     
  8. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    :love: all, thanks..
     
  9. Jelly

    Jelly Well-Known Member

    My pm, too, is open if you'd like to talk. <3 Best of luck, don't give up please. :)
     
  10. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    It's just endless suffering, it's really hard to not think about how I could just stop it all. I love my kids though with all my heart and I would never want to leave them, but how much can a person stand?? This is really difficult.

    I am so confused with my faith. God will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able, then why did I attempt suicide? I was going to church, only to end up so sick, that I had to stop going, my life turned into a living hell. I suffer every single day more than I can bear but I keep hanging on for my kids.

    I believe in god, but I don't know if I believe in the bible anymore. Maybe it was a test, and I failed it, I don't know. But I don't understand why anyone's life would have to be so horrible, that they don't want to live anymore. Why can't god just do something to help us??
     
  11. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I overdosed tonight. I wasn't trying to kill myself but I couldn't take the pain I was having, and I had no way to control it now except for doing something like that.. It hurts me that I have to stoop to doing something like that instead of having my doctors on my side doing what they need to do to make sure I'm okay. I already know if I went back to my doctor and told him the pain medication he gave me was making my stomach hurt & making me vomit, that there's a 100% chance he wouldn't try anything else. I just can't take this shit anymore. I feel so lost and alone on this. What do I have to do to make them realize they need to be more effective with helping me, do I have to be laying in the hospital half dead from an overdose to get their attention ?????? I'm seeing a specialist tomorrow who's help I need desperately, but she can't seem to acknowledge that I have an autoimmune disease like my other doctors can, and if I can't convince her to help me tomorrow, I am going to end up in a very bad place. I have nothing that is helping me sleep, nothing that is controlling my pain. When I lay down, the problems increase so bad, that it kills me to lay there. I layed there and cried tonight until I just couldn't take it anymore. That's the problem, I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, and I don't know what in the hell to do ??????
     
  12. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Don't feel lost and alone - you got people here who understand what you are going through and who do care.

    Please try and get some sleep - but get up and read - or stay on here if you cannot sleep or have thoughts racing!

    You are a kind person - maybe you just need to be shown kindness and it does not cost a doctor nothing to be kind. With what they are paid - they should be strangled for not smiling all the time!!!

    Just get through the night - see this specialist - and please try to bear in mind these phases come and they GO!

    I've had lots of them!

    I hope tomorrow sees you in a bit of a better mood - but don't hold back if you feel bad - please let things out and don't think you have to pretend here!!

    Hope this helps.

    I know how you feel - nights like this - best to go to sleep - the worries will exhaust themselves in the end.

    Tranquillisers might help you - they do calm you down and no long term effects if you use sensibly.

    Suicidal thoughts come and go but strong ones can be tackled with tranqs rather than anti depressants which take maybe 28 days to kick!

    Suicide takes away all the good days waiting for you and your family.

    there will be better days cutiepie - but you have to be here to see them.

    sometimes we cannot see any hope - but we cannot see our eyes either - can we? But they are there.

    Goodnight and God bless!

    Try and get some sleep - your up tomorrow and hope the specialist helps.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 18, 2011
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I am going to go try to get some sleep, and I hope I can get the help I need tomorrow. I don't know where that is going to leave me if I don't.

    I really wouldn't care to go to the hospital but I dont want locked up so I know that option is out of the question.

    I just feel like I'll be left to overdosing myself out of my misery and I don't want to do that either..

    I'm just scared. I know I can't handle this anymore.
     
  14. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I went to my rheumatologist today, and I did manage to get her to acknowledge that I could have an autoimmune disorder but it was pretty pointless. She said she would not prescribe me anything more than plaquenil, which I'm already taking, and it's pretty good medication, but it's just not enough. She needs more evidence before I could get medication like Imuran or Prednisone, so she brought up pleurisy, and I'm like I have a CT report with me that shows I had scarring on my lungs, and she's like well that could of been from pneumonia or an infection, which I have never had, the 6 months of lung pain last year didn't matter either, and I ended up with symptoms of pleurisy. Doesn't MATTER. She's like you'd have to be seeing a lung specialist and be under care for that for me to do anything. This is the toughest doctor I have ever had to deal with. And I am sure you all don't want to here all this, I'm sorry. But I need to vent. She said you have to outweigh the risks from the benefits with those medications, and talked like it would be too harmful. I told her how I felt, didn't help anything. I ended up telling her that she was actually causing me more harm than good by not helping me, I started crying extremelyyyyyyy bad, got up and left. I don't think I made a very good choice by doing that but I couldn't take it. She offered to send me to a specialist center out of state just a few hours away but I was just really hoping she would help me. It took me hours to quit crying, and some alcohol which I am currently enjoying. I went to my GP and tried to get a prescription for ambien which I called in awhile back and never picked up, but he never prescribed it, good thing I guess, cause the mood I was in, I would have probably taken them all. But I still need something to help me sleep, still need something to help this pain. I am going crazy here and don't see any way out.
     
  15. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Alcohol is the cure for everything.. Hahaa.
     
  16. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Not sure of that!

    It can help now and again - but I've had 3 glasses of wine tonight and think its more than enough - as I'm sitting in alone.

    Alcohol is more a social drug for me - I could think of other 'home alone' drugs not as potentially messy as a session of booze.

    A bottle of wine - I'd be plugging my electric guitar in - my piano is on right now - I'm learning it and expect to take over any piano I find at parties in the near future - play a few tunes.

    Who knows - maybe a CD?

    Obscure fame?
     
  17. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I only had two glasses so you can't say nothing, you had 3. LOL..

    I tried to play my son's guitar but not very good at it. It would be nice to learn how to do that, where I like to write songs, I could put the music to it.
    But too complicating for me to put that much effort into it.

    You sound like you have alot of fun with life. I can't believe you go through depression as uplifting as you are, and what a sense of humor.. I'm sure you help alot of people here, I know you have done so with me.

    <goodnite>
     
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