haha first-timer

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by shoegal, Sep 29, 2006.

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  1. shoegal

    shoegal Member

    I'm always soo mad, soo madd.. i try to enjoy life. and often i do, butthe thingsthat mak me so angry are so strong, that when there isn't nething to make me happy, everythign i've been containing keeps playing in my head and I want to break things and get into physical fights, but i don't bc if i did then, it would really make my parents sad and push my dad away even more and my mom will be sad and then later rub it in my face. and my brother will just be depressed and run away from me even more. So i often imagine hurting myself, it used to be really bad in HS, i tried a couple times to end it all then and there, but somehow, i lived. By now, i'm 22 and just graduated college, I'm just too old to be soo sensitive and to be losing my temper. I didn't want to be violent then, i feel i have morereason not to do it even more now.

    but tonight on impulse i let it out, broke a cross, and then started raking it across my wrist. this is my first time. i think it looks beautiful.

    my mom is in the next room sleeping. haha. SLEEPING. after all that yelling and fussing, now that i actually came home and started breaking things and cutting myself, she's SLEEPING. SLEEPING it off.

    i wish i could run up to her and say, "look. this is how sad and angry i am. so please help me." but it woudl only make her sad and me more angry bc she'd jsut yell at me and hate me more. i don't want to be more sad and i don't want her to be more sad. She has enough of her own problems already.

    but i do realize now, that it's very obvious, and i don't own many long sleeve shirts. Is this going to scar? The broken piece wasn't that sharp, but the cuts are really bumpy now.

    I hate myself and now i have even less self-respect for myself than before. I cut myself, I dishonored my own body. After nearly 7 yrs of just imagining and holding it in, I ended up breaking my own value. haha. i'm really ashamed of myself, even though i think this looks beautiful, i hope this goes away soon.

    how do i make it disappear. oh and thanks for listening, this is the only community where i'll find someone who'll understand what i mean when i say it looks beautiful.

    i don't wnat to but i think i may do it again. I used to chat it off with friends, but i realized the guys were just pretending to listen to win me over and i can never talk to girls bc they get weirded out. can't blame them, they're middle/upper class girls with an education and ambitious careers. They've never really known what is to be so sad or if they do they always jsut say to me, "you're too nice" and to walk away from everythign and just worry about my own future. BUt how can I, it's part of me to care about ppl i love. I have no buffer nemore. i'm moving out of the country for a semester, i'll be alone in a foreign country, nothign to stop me. Besides i kinda liked cutting my arm. y not. y not. i'm already an embarrassment.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2006
  2. max911

    max911 Well-Known Member

    Only when you have self love will it go away. :smile:

    You don't need their approval, you should just one day go up to your family and go, "I'm sorry I didn't do this and that, but the truth is that I'm here right now, and all I want to know is that everything is just O.K." It's not hostile, and it'll make you feel better, it sounds like your mother is in a jaded sense of placement right now, so to trust in her helping with it sounds slightly futile given she doesn't understand why you did it.

    And, if someone asks, just say something pratical, like you were climbing a chain link fence and slipped and the top tore your arm. It's sad in this world that there remains marks of stigmata.

    Just be comfortable with yourself.
  3. shoegal

    shoegal Member

    I'm always there for them. Always. in school, I nearly dropped out of school to take cre of them. I would ask her to stop calling me twenty times a dya during finals but she wouldn't give up until i did shit for her. this morning she wakes up and asks me to proofread her work for her, and i tol her i was busy with my student and she kept arguing until i did it. I'm always there. but she has no questions. like how are you or wat's up. nada. nothing about me so madd i walekd out of the house for an hr. nothing about my crying in the bathroom. just do this and you better do this now. I know she's selfish nd wont' change ubt for some reason i really want her to care, care enoughto stop teling me i'm horrible and stop demanding i do everything for her. but i sitll care, It's all messed up isn't it.
  4. allofme

    allofme Staff Alumni

    i think you being away might be the best thing for you all... there is helping and caring for someone... and there is being taken over by ppl... i am sure they mean you no harm .. but it is harming you.. as a parent i would want my child to be happy..and i am sure that yours feel the same way...i had my life and made my choices.. true i love her and want her around.... but it is her time now... you can do both... support them from a distance and live your life...it is not good for either one of u..if they need that much help maybe they should think about getting a home health aid..
    sending good thouths your way... and you could think of it like this...

    if you do not care for you... and keep you healthy ... what good will you be for them... your mom may need you ... but she needs you healthy...

    hugs and hope...
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