So, I was all alone. Yesterday; October 3rd. Possibly the hardest day of the year for me. And I was ALL ALONE. Me, the c_nt that I am, felt so bad on Wednesday that I felt drugs were the only way to cope. And stoned as fuck I managed to throw a glass of water over my laptop. Now, the damn thing won't work properly anymore. So yesterday on the anniversary of my mother's death, and when I missed her and S. and Sarah so much. I couldn't talk to anyone. My housemates and mates don't even know it was the anniversary of my mum's death. Most online mates don't even know that's october 3rd. So there I was, desperate, alone, empty, suicidal. And nobody there. I am such a stupid fuck for doing what I did yesterday. I am such an idiot. Hah, it's almost funny. What on earth was I thinking? You know what. Fuck it. It's good that the damn computer won't work. That I can't be online properly until about January or so. It's good that I don't have any money for a new computer or laptop. At least this way I'm forced to stay away from my online mates. Cos what I'm doin to myself and the ones around me is ugly. Nasty. If this person I've become the last few days, is the real me, then my entire life is one big lie. I'm nothing but bad news. And whatever. I've never been as lonely as I was yesterday. And as much as it hurt. I know it's best. Because at least I can do to myself what I want, without feeling guilty over what it may do to other people. Because after all, if there's no contact with the outworld, the outworld won't know what's going on in my world anyway. Alright, I've officially gone nuts. And whatever. If I can't get online for a few months, people will forget about me anyway lol. Trust me, when I have saved the money for a new laptop and can get back on here again, it'll be last march all over again. "Ish!&!& Missed you!&!" etc. But people stayin in touch for longer than 1 month? Hah. Right. not that it matters at this point. Cos if I keep going like this, thins will go down a different road lol. I'm not so great at sayin what I want to say; so I'll just say FUCK YOU WORLD.