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Hahaha, hilariously alone

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Oct 4, 2008.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    So, I was all alone. Yesterday; October 3rd. Possibly the hardest day of the year for me. And I was ALL ALONE.

    Me, the c_nt that I am, felt so bad on Wednesday that I felt drugs were the only way to cope. And stoned as fuck I managed to throw a glass of water over my laptop.
    Now, the damn thing won't work properly anymore.
    So yesterday on the anniversary of my mother's death, and when I missed her and S. and Sarah so much. I couldn't talk to anyone.
    My housemates and mates don't even know it was the anniversary of my mum's death. Most online mates don't even know that's october 3rd.

    So there I was, desperate, alone, empty, suicidal. And nobody there.

    I am such a stupid fuck for doing what I did yesterday. I am such an idiot.
    Hah, it's almost funny. What on earth was I thinking?

    You know what. Fuck it. It's good that the damn computer won't work. That I can't be online properly until about January or so. It's good that I don't have any money for a new computer or laptop. At least this way I'm forced to stay away from my online mates.
    Cos what I'm doin to myself and the ones around me is ugly. Nasty.

    If this person I've become the last few days, is the real me, then my entire life is one big lie.

    I'm nothing but bad news.
    And whatever. I've never been as lonely as I was yesterday. And as much as it hurt. I know it's best. Because at least I can do to myself what I want, without feeling guilty over what it may do to other people.
    Because after all, if there's no contact with the outworld, the outworld won't know what's going on in my world anyway.

    Alright, I've officially gone nuts.

    And whatever. If I can't get online for a few months, people will forget about me anyway lol. Trust me, when I have saved the money for a new laptop and can get back on here again, it'll be last march all over again.

    "Ish!&!& Missed you!&!" etc.
    But people stayin in touch for longer than 1 month? Hah. Right.
    not that it matters at this point. Cos if I keep going like this, thins will go down a different road lol.

    I'm not so great at sayin what I want to say; so I'll just say

  2. :arms:

    To Ye, Oh Mistress of The Random Hug...

    Who you are in mourning does not make all of you ~ Never!

    I'm sorry for your remembering...

    I'm sorry for your loss...

    I'm sorry you were alone...

    And I'm sorry your puter's buggered...I've got a l-o-o-o-o-o-ng list of silly shit I've accomplished while 'in a state' (Jeezus H. KerYst)... But I figure that if no one's walked mile in my shoes, they ain't in a position to judge me either. We usually end up being our own worst judges anywaze, Hon. (Fire yourself!! You SUCK as a self-judge - but RAWK as a Good Soul)

    Last edited: Oct 4, 2008
  3. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I know im one of those people you once considered a friend, and someone that doesnt keep in touch. I feel pretty lousy about that, but its just another example of what im like. I hope i get the opportunity to talk to you again some time. In the mean time Est, please take care of yourself, even though I know youll probably go on a couple benders, I trully I hope you stay safe.
  4. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    Ish I can so relate to what you are going through with the anniversary of your mom's death. My mom's is coming up next month and even before it gets here i've been going through hell ..but i had suppressed my grief and only now grieving for her.

    write your mom a letter telling her how much you miss her..make a memory book for her....with anything you can think of to put in there, funny sayings she had, what you remember about her ..and so forth..pictures of her ..whatever comes to mind. her favorite colors ..anything .

    Journal how you feel everyday. if you dont feel like jornaling one day, write i don't feel like it today..do something special for yourself everyday. You deserve it.

  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the reply FAL :hug: :arms: It means a lot to me.
    And even though this one isn't as random, I'ma send a hug your way anyway :hug:

    Don't worry, Matt. I know you've got things going on over at yours and all. It's not like I"m so good at staying in touch myself. Don't pay attention to that rant. I wasn't bein reasonable. I'm just havin a hard time missing mum, S and Sarah. And I get angry when I feel alone when missin them.

    Starlite, I'm sorry for your loss =( :hug: know that you can contact me if you ever want to talk. :hug:
    As for the advice, thanks very much. And I so would make a memory-book. If I'd have any memories. My mother died when I was 10 months old. I can't remember anything regardin her so yah. And going to her grave is very hard for me.
    I have been to her grave once in 2 years now. And that one time was with my (at the time) girlfriend. It was so hard. I can't get myself to go there alone, and there are only very little people I'd feel comfortable enough going with. And they are all far away.

    meh. Life sucks.
  6. Starlite

    Starlite Senior Member

    do you have family members that could help you ...ask them about her etc? I am sorry you don't remember here :hug:
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry things have been so rough Ish. You made it through the 3rd hun. :hug: Did you tell your housemates about what is going on for you? Sometimes we think they should know things and they don't because we didn't let them know. I hope things start going better for you now that this anniversary is over. Take care hun. :hug:
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Est, be gentle with yourself, I'm not much help at the moment but I am thinking of you. You're going through a lot, and I relate to the feeling of loss and despair you might be experiencing at the moment.

    And yes life sucks and going to your mother's grave sounds like it's bringing up a lot for you.

    I've done stupid things when not on drugs but 'away' that isn't much good and frustrates me when I think of what I'd done or what I should have done.

    Try and treat yourself gently.

    Lots of love,

  9. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni