Half a Plan

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AimeeRaindrop, Jun 6, 2012.

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  1. AimeeRaindrop

    AimeeRaindrop Active Member

    I don't want to die. I just want to start over. The last 5 years have just been too rough. I've gone from one bad thing to the other with only one good thing interrupting the flow of bad. But I just feel like it will never get any better. I look to the future and I don't see much worth living for. My partner, marriage. Kids, maybe, but even that's been made significantly more difficult by various medical problems and mental health problems. I love him, I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to leave him. And he is so worth living for. But there's just so much bad stuff. I feel overwhelmed by it all. By the present and the future. I just don't want it. I just want to press the restart button on life. I'll re-do this life and not make the mistakes I made that led me to where I am today. Or I'll take another life. I don't mind.

    I don't want to die but I know how I'm going to do it. If I can get the courage up to do it. And I know when I'm going to do it. Again, courage dependant. It'll be in the next few weeks. Once I've ironed out the plan. Maybe I'll die and be re-born. Maybe I won't die but the near-death experience will be enough to help me re-start. To make things better.

    Whatever, I've half a plan. It's getting there.
     
  2. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean. Well, about the dying part. Having half a plan... not really wanting to do it, but wanting to start over... hoping that the act of doing it will change something... I can't relate to the kids or loving partner part. I don't have anyone worth living for. I'm the only thing standing between me and my own grave. Maybe if I had someone, it would be different... I don't know. I do hope you reconsider, because unlike me, people would be affected by your death.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Instead of doing something drastic in the hope that you can restart your life, why don't you make those changes now? You aren't happy with your current life and how it is going and the direction it is going, so why don't you address what you can change? Change is not easy and it is difficult, but it seems drastic to attempt suicide when 1) you don't want to die and 2) you seem to know what needs to be changed. If it means you need a break in a mental health facility while you gather your thoughts and have a rest then do it.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Butterfly is right. Why would you recognized that you need to do a life reboot, and then just power off instead? When a computer is not acting right, we don't turn it off and discard it... we reboot it and let it reload and start again, fresh. You can do this too. If you have kids, however, (your post was not real clear) our kids are our everything. You need to be strong for them. If you do not have kids, then that's moot point, but it does not cancel the thought that rebooting is always better than a complete power off and discard. Your life, and mine, and every body else's, is important. Even in our most lowest moment, there is always something better on a horizon at some point. It can't rain all the time, right?

    If all else has failed, then perhaps a full restart is in the cards. Plan it, put effort into that, and speak of your plan for wellness... not your plan for death. A well laid plan is a good one. Makes yours good. Even strangers here online care about you.
     
  5. AimeeRaindrop

    AimeeRaindrop Active Member

    But I can't do that. It feels like if I'm to get any mental health help at all I have to do some drastic like kill myself or have money. And I don't have money. I've got a psychiatrist on the NHS but he only sorts me out with medication; they've not offered me counselling or anything. And I can't afford £40 a session for a private counsellor! I don't have a job or anything. And I don't think things can change without some proper help. Sometimes I think I ought to kill myself just so I can get the help I need. I'm sure if I overdosed they'd have me in a mental health facility with all the help they could offer without me having to pay.
    That's not the only reason I want to kill myself, but it's one of the reasons. I've had to fight so hard to get this far with mental health treatment and I'm fed up of fighting. It seems you get more help if you're a druggie or an alcoholic or have an eating disorder. Me? Well I've just got bipolar disorder, feel suicidal, have half a suicide plan already formulated but no, don't worry about me.
    /end rant.
    (Sorry to go off on one. Thanks for the support and kind words. I do appreciate it but really suicide just seems like the only way to sort my life out)
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Killing yourself is drastic, but it is not the way to get help. It is only an ending, and not a very good one at that. Lack of money seems impossible, but many people have come up from zero to have everything. Jon Paul, who owns Paul Mitchell (hair products related corporation) was homeless and living on the streets... and now he is a millionaire living not too far from me and he collects exotic sports cars. Wow, he sure showed the world he could take control and beat the odds that had him on the bottom, standing at corners on the street looking for hand outs. Amazing story, but not unique. I've had my down years and my up. There used to be a popular saying that went, "What goes up, must come down." That may be true, but like a bouncing ball, when it hits bottom it springs back upward again, right?

    Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard to make an income to pay my bills. People, like you said, who are druggie's or alcoholics, people who won't work or are living on welfare without a valid reason, get everything handed to them... yet I have to slave for it. Note that there are people who DESERVE welfare and assistance, so I'm not downing that whole system or the legitimate people who are on it. The abusers who use the system, though, have those of us who work hard beat. My one son applied for a student loan to go to college and was denied because the school said they rain MY credit and I have good credit and I can take out a conventional loan for him. I asked them, "If I had screwed up my own credit and was a bad credit risk, then where would we be?" They told me that if that were the case, then the state would give him a loan and money to go to college. HOW FAIR IS THAT?? Because I have been honest and paid all my bills and creditors, my son can't go to college? Just because I have good credit doesn't mean I can afford a hundred thousand dollars for his schooling.

    You see, we all face the kinds of things you mention. We have to decide if we are going to just give up, or fight it. Giving up resolves nothing, and death can never be recovered from. You can recover without going there. For your psychiatrist situation, at least in the USA, it seems that if you can't afford private services and are dependent upon state funded assistance, then really all you will get is what I refer to as "pill dispensing." Medications are great and they help bring some things into manageable control, but they often do not address the root cause and only repair of the root can resolve the overall health of the entire tree - of life in this situation. This lack of services makes it even more vital that we develop our own self-wellness plans. Yep, now it's even harder, right? It's okay, we can all fight as hard as we need to. You can fight it. You can win.

    A squeaky wheel does get greased, so learn to push and shove the system and try to get the most out of it that you can. Bug your doctor, badger your case managers. Ask for help and show that you really will be receptive of it when it's given. Even the professionals working within the system are human, and as humans we all tend to give more focus on those who are trying hardest. Be one of the hard trying people and don't be beaten.

    Best of luck to you. Remember that suicide is NOT a solution. Ever.
     
  7. AimeeRaindrop

    AimeeRaindrop Active Member

    Wow. I never that about Jon Paul! That's inspiring. It's amazing that he bought himself up from nothing. I suppose you're right - that's not a unique story. But it just seems so impossible when you have nothing that you can ever have something.

    I'm sorry to hear that about your son. It's really unfair that they won't give him a loan. I'm in the UK and it's the same here; if your parents have worked hard and earn good money then you don't get a loan, or much of a loan. But if they don't then you get everything handed to you on a plate, basically. But just because your parents have good money doesn't mean they can help you out that much with a loan. It definitely isn't fair at all.

    I've been trying so hard, though. I've been trying to get a job; I've applied to so many. I'm just getting nowhere. And it seems like it will always be that way. Or at least that I will always have to struggle. And I just can't face it. I can't face that perpetual struggle.

    I'm in the Uk and there is health care available on the NHS for mental health problems but it seems like you only get it for free if you do something drastic that gets their attention. Otherwise they just chuck pills at the situation and hope it'll go away and don't pay you anymore attention. I really had to badger my doctor to send me to a psychiatrist to find out I had bipolar disorder.

    Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it.
     
  8. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I understand how frustrating the NHS can be, being as I am having problems myself. But you have to put your foot down and you have to tell them what YOU want. You have to be proactive with them and give them a good kick up the arse. Killing yourself is not an option when you know that there are other solutions.
     
  9. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni


    It's definitely an amazing and inspiring story. He lives in the same city as I do and I have had business dealings with his company and have met him a few times. He's an amazing man that proved someone can go from bottom to top against amazing odds.
     
  10. AimeeRaindrop

    AimeeRaindrop Active Member

    I just hate that you have to fight for something all the time. Today I had a blood test to monitor my lithium levels and I was given a "Lithium Therapy" pack which had a Lithium Alert card in for my purse, a record book for all my blood tests and an information book. But why was I given that now? 3 weeks after I was put on the Lithium. It drives me so mad!
     
  11. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Lots of people would like to *do it all over again*, *do it right*, I reckon. But, you just can't.
    All you can do is affect the future. Hope you don't try anything, don't think it'll get you what you want.
     
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