When I was 22, I got so sexually frustrated that I smashed a dumbell repeatedly into my testicles. I must have actually damaged the right one because now it hurts on and off, especially when I ejaculate. I haven't talked to a doctor about this, partly due to insurance problems, but plan to soon. Whether or not this can be surgically corrected will likely influence my decision to kill myself. I did it at the time when I was most suicidal: Upon graduating college I found myself thrust into retail jobs instead of anything well-paying, with no direction in life, and that hasn't changed much since. My complete lack of social skills and ability to read people made it impossible for me to network, and had also caused me to make it all the way through college without so much as kissing a girl. I decided that if I didn't have a mind capable of acting on my sex drive in any way other than masturbation, I should have my body follow suit, and tried crushing said drive instead of releasing it for a change. Since being a sexual being has caused me nothing but pain since puberty, I thought eliminating my sexuality could allow me to get on with my life without that distraction. I now realize that this was a delusion brought about by "machine envy" (as a devout pop-culture geek, "Transformers" is such an intense religious experience for me that I identify with robots far more that my fellow humans). Even if I did hack them off, I'm still hard-wired to want sex, and would regret losing the slim possibility of ever becoming sexually active even if I lost the urge. In other words, now I would kill myself before actually castrating myself, or immediately after. I'm now getting old enough that my libido is noticably ebbing, so this regret is building up over time anyway. My sexual fantasies are so jumbled together with my suicide fantasies that if I ever do become sexually active, I'll likely always have a bitter, resentful attitude towards sex, and the people around me. I therefore keep coming back to suicide as a logical choice for the next step in my life, since being reincarnated and getting a do-over on life seems like a more realistic possibility than ever making anything out of this life, no matter how slim the chance. Just wondered if anyone else had tried self-castration. If so I'd appreciate any feedback.