Half-hearted Castration Attempt

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Dunwich, May 13, 2007.

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  1. Dunwich

    Dunwich Member

    When I was 22, I got so sexually frustrated that I smashed a dumbell repeatedly into my testicles. I must have actually damaged the right one because now it hurts on and off, especially when I ejaculate.
    I haven't talked to a doctor about this, partly due to insurance problems, but plan to soon.
    Whether or not this can be surgically corrected will likely influence my decision to kill myself. I did it at the time when I was most suicidal: Upon graduating college I found myself thrust into retail jobs instead of anything well-paying, with no direction in life, and that hasn't changed much since. My complete lack of social skills and ability to read people made it impossible for me to network, and had also caused me to make it all the way through college without so much as kissing a girl. I decided that if I didn't have a mind capable of acting on my sex drive in any way other than masturbation, I should have my body follow suit, and tried crushing said drive instead of releasing it for a change. Since being a sexual being has caused me nothing but pain since puberty, I thought eliminating my sexuality could allow me to get on with my life without that distraction.
    I now realize that this was a delusion brought about by "machine envy" (as a devout pop-culture geek, "Transformers" is such an intense religious experience for me that I identify with robots far more that my fellow humans). Even if I did hack them off, I'm still hard-wired to want sex, and would regret losing the slim possibility of ever becoming sexually active even if I lost the urge. In other words, now I would kill myself before actually castrating myself, or immediately after. I'm now getting old enough that my libido is noticably ebbing, so this regret is building up over time anyway. My sexual fantasies are so jumbled together with my suicide fantasies that if I ever do become sexually active, I'll likely always have a bitter, resentful attitude towards sex, and the people around me. I therefore keep coming back to suicide as a logical choice for the next step in my life, since being reincarnated and getting a do-over on life seems like a more realistic possibility than ever making anything out of this life, no matter how slim the chance.
    Just wondered if anyone else had tried self-castration. If so I'd appreciate any feedback.
  2. Freddy

    Freddy Guest

    You should get a referal from a doctor and talk to therapist abut it. They may be able to help.
  3. I feel so much better about being a woman now. FEEL OUR PAIN YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!
  4. SmilePretty

    SmilePretty Staff Alumni

    er...ouch. *shudder* a dumbell? :eeek:
  5. Dunwich

    Dunwich Member

    Yes, a dumbell.

    I don't know what kind of response I expected. After reading the most recent self-harm posts, I thought a true story about something other than cutting might break the monotony. Sorry if that sounds too sarcastic, but I try to find ways to laugh at everything.
  6. I understand where you're coming from.
    Sex brings a whole load of baggage anyway (baggage I'm going to have to deal with now) and if I could I'd also like to do away with my urges.
    I guess it's just life though...I mean, what can you do really? It's in your brain from birth, it's what we're suppose to do...but it's so understandable that if we don't do it, it really messes us up.
    I mean, your mind is wired to believe that's what we NEED to do. You're going against instinct almost but it isn't your fault.
    I say, seek a GOOD therapist that isn't going to pin you with a gender identity issue. I'd say go to a therapist before going to the doctor over your other physical issue so that if something does happen you're able to lean on your therapy for that sort of help overcoming it.

    Hold on though. You'll meet someone and she/he might spark something nice inside of you--start a relationship possibly leading to sex. If you find someone very understanding then it won't be any issue and you can work a lot of your issues out with them probably :)
  7. Yeah, sorry. That time of the month gets me really... sexist.... I'm really sorry about your dilemma. At least women can't say you don't know it feels to have cramps, cause it's like you have Coital Cephalalgia, only it's a pain in the nuts instead of the head. Sorry if this post seems really chipper. I'm not usually like this.

    Last time I take five Zoloft at a time...
  8. reborn1961

    reborn1961 Guest

    It seems that there is new technolgies every day, especially in the medical field. See if you have what may be called "free clinics" where they will see you without insurance. There may be a way to correct the damage. I hope that you stop with self harm of any kind. Good luck.
  9. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Maybe using a sex toy with help relieve some of your sexual stress. does for me. I would scream for an hour if my balls every got damaged, then I would go to the docter immediately you should too.
  10. Dunwich

    Dunwich Member

    Wow, 8 years later and nothing's really changed for me.

    Until I accidentally smashed my left hand in the sliding doors at work today.

    Now I can't shake this urge to keep smashing and cutting different body parts. Just before dinner I whacked myself in the side of the head hard enough to cause a nosebleed.

    I still haven't consulted a doctor on the testicle damage. I tried a local general psychological therapist this summer, but that was a waste of money that went nowhere, so I should probably seek out someone specializing in sexual issues or autistic spectrum issues. The pain from that 14 year old injury has been getting so severe lately that my sexual fantasies are becoming extremely violent, from getting an escort to go through the motions of date during which I repeatedly slash my face to shreds, to repeating my groin trauma just before intercourse so it's as painful as possible. I honestly, seriously want to lose my virginity this way, so that my first sexual experience reflects the pain and misery of the incel leading up to it. I've long believed that bad experience is at least still experience, so I want my first time to be so horrible that it risks permanent damage. I'm past the point where I'll ever be able to actually enjoy sex even if I succeed in having it, but I feel like giving in to the compulsion anyway by resorting to a prostitute or surrogate. I just want it reduced to an unpleasant mechanical chore, which is also how I view dating, flirting, teasing, etc.

    It's partly that I'm being actively driven insane by my home situation now. My mom's had Alzheimer's for 2 years, and is not only full of rage every other sunset, but in good enough physical condition to attack my dad, who she apparently hates for being the nicest guy on earth and always being there for her. I just realized that if she starts using weapons again, I'm both ready and willing to bash her head in. I can never get enough sleep, living in an emotional minefield with a monster that can start ripping rooms apart and screaming at us for not driving her "back to her own house" (we've lived in the same house for 35 years). Putting her in a home isn't an option because she's too lucid during the day. I now realize that myths about werewolves, zombies, ghosts (she sees people, mostly kids from her art teacher days, other than my dad and me in the house all the time; one, named Betty, remarkably received some mail last month), and demonic possession all have their roots in this type of dementia. This is somewhat disillusioning in terms of revealing the truth about so many of my favorite horror movies, and has me wondering if my interest in them wasn't some impulse to subconsciously prepare me to deal with her all along. She always would just blow up for no discernible reason from time to time, and I think that was a contributing factor in my gunshyness when it came to approaching girls.

    Even on "good" days, it's all repeating the same mundane shit over and over and over again and arguing with her to eat dinner like she's a little kid. It's literally mind-numbing; I was pursuing a technical writing certificate, but the last class I took for it has been an incomplete for over a year and a half now because I just can't sustain coherent thought long enough to finish the three assignments I need to wrap it up. Between mom, having to get up early for my retail job, and that goddamned Dachshund whose whining and shrieking hit a pitch and intensity that literally hurts my brain and impairs its functions whenever someone eats in front of him (even if I'm at the other end of house taking a shower, I can still fucking hear and feel it, and I had a breakdown 4 years ago where I just screamed about it for a half hour after he did it all during Thanksgiving dinner, but they STILL keep egging him on by spoiling him with people food because my mom can't remember it's a problem, and the dog's the only living thing she actually still likes, otherwise I'd have tried crushing his sinuses with a hammer to alter his pitch), I can't think coherently enough to actually do anything. And I don't make enough to afford to move out, which is why I need the certificate, so all I can do is wait for her to die, and hope it's soon enough that I have some shred of a future once she's history.

    Well, off to work at 4PM tomorrow, forcing me to miss out on Thanksgiving entirely. We've been given new BLUE shirts as a privilege, but I think I'll have to stick to our standard red to conceal any blood from the razorknife fit I can feel coming on. Until all my fantasies come true, sorry ladies, but I'm apparently still saving myself for the grave! (Rimshot)
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Wow. Maybe talking to a Therapist would help you figure out the root of your issue and make suggestions from there. I find it helpful to talk and then process the information with my Therapist.

    Having a loved one with a serious illness like your mom is quite a challenge and requires a patience of a saint. Soon it'll be during the daytime then she can go to special care, don't worry about death yet.
  12. Dunwich

    Dunwich Member

    Well, I guess I didn't elaborate on why my last attempt at therapy (this summer) was useless: the guy was just too...polite to the point of timidity, so we never really got an understanding. I kind of hoped that he could refer me to someone more specialized in autistic-spectrum and/or incel issues, but the office didn't seem to be equipped for that. Do you happen to know of a therapy-finder search site that can properly narrow down therapists by specialty, or in your experience does that require just making a lot of calls to every number you can find for an office in the area? I agree that talking to a therapist sounds like the best first step on paper, but both of my shots at it so far were just more expensive brick walls to keep butting my head against.
  13. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Idk what country you're from but for me my Therapist choices are limited by who accepts my insurance plan in the US. And gotta try few before hitting the right one. I found my current one by a friend of mine who recomended her. Was lucky she accepted my insurance plan.
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