Hi, So im the biggest mess ull ever know, im bipolar,i have a very hard case of panic disorder, I,m depressed, ugly, not smart, autistic, anty social, have damage to my heart liver and kidneys and circulation problem and in addition have no money to live on, i only like sleeping staying in bed. Im a nice person but nobody will ever like me or even look straight in the eyes because of my looks and geeky personality. I just got fired from work 2 weeks ago, it was the only thing that i had that was holding me together and giving my life a little bit sence and point. Now im a total 0. I can't be homeless, im to week for it. So probably do the worst thing to my grandmother she is the only one who really loves me as a person) i can do witch brakes my heart the most i will probably have to end this. The weirdest part about it is that the only good felling/ positive feeling i get is about thinking about killing myself, nothing more will bother me, nobody will laught at me, nobody will look with piety at me. I wont have to look at normal people and cry and be somewhat angry "Why are they chosen ove me" inside that that is how i would like to live just a little taste ( it must be amazing). Just having real friends, dating, kissing a girl and having a family would be nothing better in the universe.I would give anything to have 1 normal day with a normal body and face (know many friends i would like to be just a few hours), ANYTHING. But i cant even go out my home and not think of bad things. When i do people just make fun of me like in 10th grade or even more, they laugh at my face, girls and normal people to, always, i can give you and guarantee that someone will disrespect me in a public place every 30-60 min.You can try but ultimately you cant ignore it, its the worst feeling when you know normal people are just looking at you out of ciuriosoty, not in a evil way, but just because your the modern elephant-man(freak) I thought when i was younger i could ignore it, be happy with no human interaction, because thats not all in life, there is also so many incredible things like amazing nature, views, smells, tastes, and so many different things to explore and live but with nobody to share it with it is all nothing. The Worst part is i dont believe in god anymore. How could he create me like this if he loves me, every day is full of pain and terrifying for me. So i got fired, i got money for 1 week. Im so afraid but i have been preparing for this moment for 8 years almost. I got no money, got no friends ( not even 1 little friend ( except my old dog witch i love more then anything or anyone else)) got no hope, only thing that could change my lie is some medical help for my face so i could live like a normal 20 year old and go to collegue and mke friends, thats all i ever wanted. I just feel so hopeless and want this all to end. I think after a long time i finally came to this decisions, and i feel more calm then i ever felt, i think it is time to start saying goodbay, last walks, last recalling best childhood memories, last joint in the woods, last just doing anything. I somewhat feel happines Love you all and hope all your problems someday go away, and will be able just to enjoy a normal day on this what have should been wonderful world.