Handling ultimatums with yourself...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MyCatWillMissMe, Jun 5, 2016.

  1. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I guess I just post here because I have no one to tell in person who cares to hear it.

    On Monday I'll be calling the apartment to see where I'm at on the list. I was #11 at the beginning of last month and it's a fairly large complex. If they say I'm number 4 or 5 I will be content and even a little excited. If they say I'm number 10 and I moved 1 spot in a month I will be devastated.

    I have nowhere to live as of July 1st and have had absolutely zero luck on Craigslist and even a local Facebook roommate searching thing.

    I have about $1500 right now to throw down for the new apartment and I've worked hard to save this much. I can't afford to just rent any apartment since most are $800-1000 a month. The one I've been on the list for is for disabled people and is much cheaper.

    I feel like I should just make a deal with myself and if they say I'm still number 9 or higher I'll just kill myself but if it's lower I'll wait it out. I'm not going to live in a homeless shelter or in my car for 3+ months, not a chance in hell. I'll be dead before it gets that far.

    Has anyone else here felt like they needed to make ultimatums like this?
     
    DrownedFishOnFire and MinnBiker like this.
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Mycatswillmissme, I certainly hope your low on the list, so let's just hope for the best. I've found that sometimes things work out right at the last minute and from where we least expect it. So never give up hope. Hang in there and keep doing what you're doing.
    Brian
     
  3. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Well waiting for a miracle in this situation is quite foolish. I'll either have moved up on the list or not. There is no Plan B. No family or anyone to fall back on for a little help. This is it and like I said I'm not going to be homeless for 3+ months and even if I found a suitcase with 10 grand it wouldn't really do me any good because where am I supposed to live? I guess I'd probably live in a motel for a few months, haha...what a waste of money though.

    The point is there's just really nothing left to hang on to if I'm still a shit number on the list.
     
    Brian777 likes this.
  4. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Okay
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Living on the street, or in your car for a few months would be rough. But, considering the normal length of a human life, it is really a pretty short period of time. I would suggest considering a different ultimatum. "If I have not moved up several steps on the list, I will persevere because my life is worth saving."
     
    Rockclimbinggirl and Jenumbra like this.
  6. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    Found out today that I'm #9 now. I know that it's progress but judging by the rate I've moved the last few months it appears that getting to the top is still 4-5 months away. I can't live like this...just waiting to be homeless. I just want my miserable life to be over so badly.
     
  7. MinnBiker

    MinnBiker Active Member

    That really sucks. I don't know where you live, but are there homeless shelters? Maybe that is not an option. It is awful contemplating losing the safety of your home. I feel that way whenever one of my stupid temporary job ends -- I am afraid if I don't get more $$ soon ..... how long before I will be homeless? It is so scary. Hang in there.
     
  8. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    Very sorry for your situation. I think you mentioned your dad before and I'm sure you've already looked into this option but could you stay with him until an apartment opens up? If you have to rough it, maybe try to think of it as an extended camping trip? As for your cats, this might sound kooky, but maybe you could keep them on leashes/harnesses during the day and keep them in a pet crate at night while you sleep. It sounds weird but I've seen and heard of people leashing their cats to walk them. Anyways, good luck to you.
     
    MisterBGone likes this.
  9. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    I'm not allowed to stay at my dad's, mostly because of my stepmom, even for a day. I don't really have any issue with them, they just can't stand what a failure I am at life who didn't follow their military dreams. As far as being outside on leashes and in crates, I think my cats would go insane since they've never really been outside and are terrified of the door opening.
     
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Do you have a friend you could stay with. Just sleep on their couch and contribute some to the food. Just till you get your own place.
     
  11. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    No the couple friends I have just don't have any room, plus it's going to be like 4 more months...I may be able to get a room at some random person's apartment, he said I could come check it out Monday. I'm sure it will fail just like everything else has.
     
  12. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Don't give up. Check out that room. And even if you wind up on the streets for a while keep looking. Its only when you stop trying that failure comes.
     
    Jenumbra likes this.