Hanging by a Proverbial Thread

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rammingstone, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Rammingstone

    Rammingstone Member

    Lately the idea of suicide is becoming prevalent and overwhelming. I've always promised myself it would remain an option only if I felt that I had completely failed at life. Well, I'm now at that point. Hope has indeed abandoned me for a more faithful companion...

    Here's my story; first the vital stats:

    I'm a 38 yo male, never married, no kids, no girlfriend, no friends period anymore. All the friends from my youth are married and/or moved away. I work full-time as a truck driver hauling dangerous goods (acids and explosives).

    I try to analyze my life as objectively as possible, so here it is:

    The Good-

    good health
    clean-cut attractive looks and build (so I've been told)
    I earn a well above average income
    My core personality is quiet, gentle and nice
    I live a clean lifestyle (non-smoker, drinker, drug user)
    I'm fairly intelligent
    I have good morals

    The Bad-

    very negative attitude
    I hate my looks
    I hate my job (alone all day 6 days/wk) very long hours
    I have a ton of false pride
    I come across as arrogant, cold, and aloof
    I've conditioned myself to bury my emotions in most situations

    In general, I just see myself as being ugly inside and out and incapable of receiving or deserving anyone's love. I used to enjoy hobbies (all solitaire of course), but I basically lost all interest in what once gave me enjoyment, or at least, contentment.

    I feel I have accomplished all I can. Nothing brings me enjoyment anymore...absolutely nothing. Like so many others, much of my depression stems from lack of success with women. I never dated in high school but did a little dating in my early-mid 20's, but have done none since.

    Admittedly, bitterness has drastically changed my entire personality. It now shows clearly in my face; I just look sour and miserable. My interactions with women are absolutely nil; no small talk, no flirting, I try to avoid them whenever I can, and they do the same with me. This is hard to deal with because I'm still very attracted to them, but I just can't show it. Nothing emaciates a man more knowing he can't attract a woman.

    Well, I've said all I care to. If I can't turn this ship around soon then it's all over...thanks for letting me vent.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you are able to vent and share your feelings. I'm sorry you are at such a rough place right now. Keep posting, get the pain out and off your chest. So many here are where you are right now or have been. Let us try to help so that your ship can stay on course. Good luck.
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Are you driving long haul, away from home weeks at a time? That can have a real impact on maintaining a social life.

    It's hard to say anything meaningful. You have a lot going for you, if you can keep your focus on your good qualities, off the things you hate about yourself. At least, that's what my therapist keeps telling me. I could have written parts of your bio, except I'm married with two kids. I am beginning the process of dealing with shame and self-hatred and accepting myself as a good man. It's a really hard road.

    My son is a truck driver, so I know some about the life. You need some help with your negative self image. A therapist can be a huge help if you can work it out.

    I'm reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You", a book by John Bradshaw right now, and in a closing chapter he talks about a 4-step therapy to get rid of the negative, self-loathing thoughts and replacing them with your positive ones.

    There are lots of ways to learn to cope with your circumstances. Don't let yourself get convinced that there's no hope. There is always hope if we can find our way to it. The support you can get here can help fill the gaps until you can find a professional.

    Keep reminding yourself of all your truly positive qualities.

  4. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Im on the same place like you, its just im 25, but i know ill be still there when ill be 38, to. Thats why I dont plan to stay alive if nothing nice doesnt happens in the next few weeks/months.
  5. Aleth

    Aleth Well-Known Member

    What do you mean by false pride?

    Do you think you have (or have developed) a social phobia?

    Its easy to become very disconnected from others if you have a job where you must work alone. I found that when I switched to working alone, it had a terrible effect on my psyche. My introversion spiralled out of control -- to an even deeper loneliness.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2008
  6. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    Allow me to tell you to liberate some of these confining rules ,who are good & who are bad. Let the you flow & if that means you are a jackass ,be a jackass. Then maybe you will not need to be validated by women or the general population.
  7. Ardo85

    Ardo85 Active Member

    Amen. I've decided to say fuck rules and its helped me greatly. Now I'm not confined to societies standards, and not giving a shit about the result. You can't be less than yourself anyway and expect to be happy. If I can't impress women to hell with them ill masturbate. If I can't find enjoyment in a job, fuck a job, ill sit at home and play video games.
  8. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Rammingstone, thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. That took a lot of courage. I hope you don't mind me offering my thoughts. When I look at your self-portrait there are so many positive things about you, but of course we all do the same thing. We look at the negatives that we imagine are real. I don't see your negatives at all, even though I don't know you personally or know what you look like. You keep talking about how ugly you are. Do you know that this is something that has been conditioned into you, by our society? It isn't even real. You are judging yourself by a false standard. If you truly hear what I'm saying, and you truly look at yourself from a different perspective, you will realize you aren't so bad afterall. ;) And in your acceptance of yourself, love will flow outward, and when that love flows, there is no telling how many women will flock to you. Please think about what I'm saying because your view of yourself has everything to do with how everyone else sees you.
  9. immure

    immure Account Closed

    hmm sound like one of my possible future outcomes for this she just keep wondering why we expect so much yet we put such little effort out.hmm just thinkin out loud
  10. Rammingstone

    Rammingstone Member

    Thanks to all who have taken the time to read and reply to my story. It's good to know there are still people who care.

    Are you driving long haul, away from home weeks at a time? That can have a real impact on maintaining a social life.

    Jim...I'm away for about a week at a time. We're so busy we can't keep up, so the drivers work 16-18 hrs/day. At the end of the week I'm exhausted, and spend my day off re-charging my battery. Yes, very hard to have a social life. I started seeing a therapist a couple months ago. It's very hard to scedule visits around my work scedule though.

    Im on the same place like you, its just im 25, but i know ill be still there when ill be 38, to. Thats why I dont plan to stay alive if nothing nice doesnt happens in the next few weeks/months.

    Touglytobeloved, turn your life around asap. The older you get, the more set in your ways you will become, and the harder it will be to change. I wish I'd had this sense of urgency when I was 25.

    What do you mean by false pride?

    Do you think you have (or have developed) a social phobia?

    Aleth...false pride and arrogance are virtually the same thing. I do have social anxiety, which makes me withdraw socially when I'm around strangers.

    Allow me to tell you to liberate some of these confining rules ,who are good & who are bad. Let the you flow & if that means you are a jackass ,be a jackass. Then maybe you will not need to be validated by women or the general population.

    Bostonensis...I'm already perceived as being the jackass or more precisely the 'a-hole' by many people. I'm tired of wearing the 'a-hole' or 'creepy guy' hat because I'm so miserable inside that it manifests itself as this anti-social behaviour. I just want to have my 'nice guy' personality back again.

    And in your acceptance of yourself, love will flow outward, and when that love flows, there is no telling how many women will flock to you. Please think about what I'm saying because your view of yourself has everything to do with how everyone else sees you.

    Peacegirl...I don't know your age, but you are wise beyond your years.:angel: That's the key...self acceptance and love. It's a chicken and the egg question with me though. I always take behavioural feedback from others to gauge my own self-worth.

    When I was younger, I used to get very positive feedback from women, they flirted, they looked at me a lot, they seemed to like me. It made me feel great. I didn't even have to try, it's like the soul emits some unseen luminous shine that others can feel from a distance and are attracted to.

    I don't know how or why it stopped, but it did. It's now gone 180 degrees. Their attitude is completely closed to me now, no smiles, no eye contact, no warmth in their voices; I'm just a piece of dirt to them now. So now
    I tend to feel like the ugliest man on earth.

    This is why I've become bitter. Women are supposed to be sensitive and understanding and much more in-tune to emotions and body langauge. Why would they kick someone when he's clearly down?
  11. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Myth. The presence of those qualities depends on the individual... has nothing to do with gender.

    OK now... just because women aren't hanging all over you, that doesn't mean they are "kicking you when you're down". You can't FORCE people to like you. Fact of life, babe. If I, for instance, took it personal every time some guy passed me up in favor of a tall blonde with giant fake boobs, I'd be in a world of hurt. :laugh: It's a mistake to hate on people just because they aren't into you. Everyone has a preference. *shrug*
  12. Rammingstone

    Rammingstone Member

    Didn't say I expected them to 'hang all over me', did I? I would like a small shred of civility, however. Also, I don't claim to 'hate' any group. What I dislike, is the fact that very shy men like me, are generally regarded as a lesser grade of man, compared to Mr. Cocky & Funny, even though I may (and probably do) have more to offer than these player types.

    It seems to be in the womens' makeup to (sub?)conscientously immediately disqualify a man if he doesn't do or say the right things during the initial encounter with her. Doesn't matter if he has a lot going for him, if he doesn't make her feel 'special' or fill her with instant attraction, then he just get relegated to the 'next' pile.

    I guess to be fair, there are lots of guys like this too. Ironically, some of the nicest, most loyal people I've met, have been shy, quiet types, both male and female.
  13. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Man I KNOW EXACTLY what that's like. Granted I'm 27, but I know that feeling. My brother is going through it too, he's about 22 or 23. He's become very much a hermit hiding away in his room, he can't bear to see couples happily holding hands and walking around, it really sends him over the edge in terms of bitterness and anger. He likes women but he's bitter towards him because they don't notice he's alive or treat him like shit with just their eyes.

    I've gone through this too. The bitterness and loneliness that accumulates over time is just like... it changes you into something ugly and that only makes things worse. I have no idea what to do to rememdy that vicious cycle, but I do know where you're comin from. =/
  14. SadDude1980

    SadDude1980 Well-Known Member

    Yeah that's placebo for yuhz :p

    But yeah I know what you mean. The shy guys who analyze, think before they speak, and have a deep heart seem to suffer the most. I'm gonna have to agree with Placebo's about one thing though. Not all women are going to be caring, nurturing, or in touch with their emotions. I learned that the hard way with my wife who is actually very UN-intouch with her emotions and does a poor job of expressing herself which is one of the reasons we're having such a rough time now among others.

    But yeah, those traits you gave for women - that really is dependent on the individual bigtime. There are a lot of different ladies out there - some like to be in charge and all all the shots (like my wife), some like to just have "fun" all the time and party, some are quiet and keep to themselves and are just mellow, and others have big hearts too but I think they're prone to go for those asshole guys you talk about. Basically the guys who go up and talk to them, and because these sensitive women invest in them since they're aggressive and theyr'e THERE and then end up heart broken and start becoming bitter and guarded. I'm no expert, it's just what I've seen from my own personal experience. yep, lots of crazy ladies out there, but generally, seems like the shy guys are at a major league disadvantage with all of them. I think if the roles were reversed and a cute woman came up to you and started being flirty and asked you out, you'd probably feel better at first, but then come to find out she's not really what you're looking for. Just the way it goes for those women who are approached by more social out-going guys. They're USUALLY that way, I've noticed, because that's just the way they are all the time.

    Only if you're in the right situation at the right time does it seem like you may have a chance to get to know a good sensitive female without realizing it and next thing ya know, she knows you and realizes "hey this guy's great". That's what happened with my wife. Didn't even know she liked me and I wasn't even thinking about her at first.

    Meh, but over the years I realized how severely different we are. And now she's gone so whatchya gonna do lol :( But yeah, there are a lot of insensitive people that aren't sharp to pick up on other people's feelings and stuff, just in general, male and female. I notice most the world is just straight up depressingin that way. It's like trying to find a good healer and tank in an online rpg - lots of bad ones out there lol.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2008
  15. Rammingstone

    Rammingstone Member

    Ken...sorry to hear the marriage didn't last for you. But, as you pointed out...there are many, many women out there, so happy hunting.

    I've been thinking a lot about this shyness issue, and I think it's not so bad to be 'happy shy'. Seems to be a bit of a turn-on for a lot of women actually. Years ago, I dated a girl for a few months who fell for me because she found my shyness to be intriguing. That, and the fact I didn't hit on her like my player friends.

    I think what really sends the women away FAST, is the anger. It doesn't even have to be directed at them; as long as it's there, they can sense it a mile away. it just seems to be the fastest way to making someone ugly, instantly.

    I think the big difference between the player and the shy guy is how they each handle rejection. I've seen players get shot down but they handle it lightly and it doesn't seem to bother them. They move on and try with the next one until they succeed, and then success breeds success.

    The (painfully)shy guy retreats and is reluctant to try again. i.e. turns himself into the hermit and alienates himself from women completely. Your brother's too young to be that bitter. Maybe try to get him some professional help so he's not resigned to a lonely future.

    Anyway...it's late...time for bed.
  16. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Rammingstone, I understand your pain, but if you are able to look at this problem from a different angle, I believe you will have the woman of your choice. It's so much about your heart, your ability to be caring, that anything society has conditioned people to believe, will go by the wayside. Can you just give it a chance? Can you allow yourself to be 'you', and nothing more? I am challenging you. ;)
  17. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    It was implied. :biggrin:

    OK, straight up: Nobody owes you anything (including attention), and you don't owe anybody anything. Everything is earned... and what you earn depends on what you produce. If you have a "sour" look on your face & a funky attitude, others will respond to you unfavorably.... how could you expect it to be otherwise? A lot of men have this crazy idea in their heads that women are perfect little angels who never have a bad thought, a bad day or a bad attitude, themselves. And if we do, we are automatic "Bitches", of course... who are "kicking men when they are down". Pffff...

    Reality check: The perfect angel who will float down from her cloud and kiss away your boo-boo's & save you from yourself.... DOES NOT EXIST.

    On shyness: There's a lot of women who have similar problems.... although the media would have us believe that only men are afflicted. Since I am basically two people in one body (one shy & introverted, the other aggressive, confrontational & even a bit egotistical), I can see this one from both sides of the pop stand. :laugh: I like both shy AND aggressive men... and can tap into whichever side of my personality would best suit the situation. In all honesty though, I've found shy men to be the better lays (but there are exceptions). A lot of other women are also aware of this, so I'm thinking that your "no action" status can be easily blamed on the negative attitude that you are projecting to the world.

    Bottom line: Everyone has standards. Don't expect a woman to just fall into bed with you because you think she should. Women can be just as shallow as men, and believe it or not, we DO go by looks. If a woman ever tells you "I like you because you have a great personality".... RUN... fast. Any woman worth hanging out with will admit to having a few shallow qualities. If she doesn't admit it... she's looking for a meal ticket, and little more. Also, as I alluded to before, input = output. Your bitterness will inspire the same in others. Dig?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2008
  18. Placebo

    Placebo Well-Known Member

    Yep... and I'm almost always right. :cool:
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