hanging by a thread

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by among the stars, Apr 26, 2008.

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  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    've destroyed m relationship w/ my boyfriend Abdo, I've destroyed the friendship i had w/ people from school (wont get a reply from anyone) but i think i worst is - I've destroyed my spirit -

    ive had enough of all that -- trying to find/buy a gun or something to kill myself quick.......goodbye dark, depressing, cruel world.....
     
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey forever, please stick around for a bit. can you write more about what happened? you sound very alone, but now that you have us, that's no longer the case. we've all made mistakes, i hope you can forgive yourself for whatever has hapenned,

    cath
     
  3. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    I DONT KNOW WHO I HATE MORE GOD, MOM, OR MYSELF.

    I always said that I world stopped inside but continued to turn outside. No one outside of the family knows what its been like these past 8 1/2 yrs, no one knows what its like to want to take someone's pain and sorrow away more than anything - she didn't want this, none of us did. She's already lost Dad the day after I was born, and being threatened to be taken to court over the custody of my sister and I, it was just too much.

    Yesterday I heard Mom, she called out to me to come to her. She kept screaming to make them stop, make them stop torturing her. I got up but was surprised that no one else heard her but me. I ran in the room and I could see her laying there like she was still there - I could see her trying to make them stop - I just stood there and tried yo grab her hand but she couldn't hold mine. She just laid there with my hand on hers, she couldn't move her head but she rolled her eyes to look at me - my hand was on hers and then she was gone. It was so real - I know it happened. I was there when they were "torturing" her and I couldn't stand to be in her room or in the house I fled outside. Maybe I should have stayed with her instead of running away. Maybe I'd feel better....

    If I had been given the chance I would have switched places with her in an instant but she always told me "No, I'd never want you to go thru something like this" I never knew what to say after Mom said that. Rethinking the last week of her life I hoped and prayed that Dr. Weckstein would call and say that they had found a new chemo that they could give her that might save her life, but he didn't. I should have known what was going to happen when the nurse who came to take care of her told me " You know ur Mom is going to die in a couple of days" I told her she was lying, I couldn't believe it - I wasn't true but it was. Two days later I was sitting in the barn where i work and I just knew that something was wrong - I got home and found out that her breathing was so fast that we had to give her more morphine to slow it down which worked for a while - then it stopped working. It was so bad that I wished it would just end because I couldn't stand to see her like that anymore. Her breathing was so fast - we were on the phone with the VNA nurse - my sister was standing with my mom - she came running out and said that her breathing was slowing down. My grandfather handed the phone to Susan and he went in...she died holding her dad's hand. It left a big black hole in all our lives, she touched so many people. I guess I got my wish.....GOD why did I wish it would end, why.... I wished that it would end and i got my wish, didnt i -- DIDN'T I!!!!
    SO GOD WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ME JUST LIKE YOU TOOK MY MOM!!! I HATE U AND I HATE MY LIFE!!!!
     
  4. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    i have been so depressed that im at the point of just wanting to end everything...end the pain, the constant crying, the numb feeling...
    it all started june 23, 2007 when my mom passed away from a long 8 1/2 year battle again ovarian cancer...dealing with the cancer was bad enough but watching her die did something to me and now i cant stop the pain, and the crying. I cant deal with this much longer...i keep thinking im getting better but the pain keeps coming back -- haunting my sleep, and bothering so much that i cant focus in my college classes. What do i do, im sooo angry all the time at everyone. I HATE MY LIFE SO MUCH, I FEEL LIKE IM LIVING IN A BLACK HOLE THAT KEEPS GROWING -- ITS GOTTEN SO DEEP THAT I CANT GET OUT.....
     
  5. Coliboo

    Coliboo Member

    Hun I watched my mum die last year and still get flashbacks. I have lost lots of other people including close friends too.

    What do you think your mum would want? I think she would want you to try and live your life.

    I know mine would although I am struggling to do so because of losing my friend.

    Take care = life is hard but you deserve happiness.

    Col xx
     
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