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Empathy Only Hanging by an emotional thread

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Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#1
I don’t even know what to say. I have no words left to describe how much I am suffering inside of my head (as I proceed to describe anyhow...) I’m an idiot. The mental anguish has taken a toll on my body. I’m in physical pain 24/7. I can’t breathe or sleep properly because of it... my head feels like it’s in a fog. I feel exhausted all of the time. Talking, showering, using the bathroom, changing my clothes, and eating are all tedious and overwhelming. All of the basic survival things...

I can’t do this anymore. I really feel at the end. I know I will die because I already feel like I’m dying every minute of every day. It feels like when someone is dying of old age and they say their goodbyes and pass in their sleep... it feels a lot like that.

I have panic attacks every night. I’m anxious most of the time and depressed the rest of the time. I wish someone would help me out of this prison of perpetual pain...
 
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Daphna

Ninja of light
#2
I don’t even know what to say. I have no words left to describe how much I am suffering inside of my head. The mental anguish has taken a toll on my body. I’m in physical pain 24/7. I can’t breathe or sleep properly because of it... my head feels like it’s in a fog. I feel exhausted all of the time. Talking, showering, using the bathroom, changing my clothes, and eating are all tedious and overwhelming. All of the basic survival things...

I can’t do this anymore. I really feel at the end. I know I will die because I already feel like I’m dying every minute of every day. It feels like when someone is dying of old age and they say their goodbyes and pass in their sleep... it feels a lot like that.

I have panic attacks every night. I’m anxious most of the time and depressed the rest of the time. I wish someone would help me out of this prison of perpetual pain...
I’m sorry you feel so awful. Have you been to therapy for any of these symptoms? Are you on any medication?
I am all 👂 if you need to unload the burdens of your mind. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some relief soon.
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#3
I don’t even know what to say. I have no words left to describe how much I am suffering inside of my head. The mental anguish has taken a toll on my body. I’m in physical pain 24/7. I can’t breathe or sleep properly because of it... my head feels like it’s in a fog. I feel exhausted all of the time. Talking, showering, using the bathroom, changing my clothes, and eating are all tedious and overwhelming. All of the basic survival things...

I can’t do this anymore. I really feel at the end. I know I will die because I already feel like I’m dying every minute of every day. It feels like when someone is dying of old age and they say their goodbyes and pass in their sleep... it feels a lot like that.

I have panic attacks every night. I’m anxious most of the time and depressed the rest of the time. I wish someone would help me out of this prison of perpetual pain...
I’m sorry you feel so awful. Have you been to therapy for any of these symptoms? Are you on any medication?
I am all 👂 if you need to unload the burdens of your mind. You’re in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you find some relief soon.
Yes, I have tried meds... but I have BPD and it’s medication resistant... I’ve tried so many and they left me with permanent tremors and pain... and they made me more suicidal and hurt myself more. I am in therapy but my therapist is shit and doesn’t take me seriously. I’ve been trying to get adequate help for 3 years now... I’m just really about to call it quits
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#4
Yes, I have tried meds... but I have BPD and it’s medication resistant... I’ve tried so many and they left me with permanent tremors and pain... and they made me more suicidal and hurt myself more. I am in therapy but my therapist is shit and doesn’t take me seriously. I’ve been trying to get adequate help for 3 years now... I’m just really about to call it quits
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. BPD is very hard to deal with. The instability and the feeling of helplessness are the worst. Drugs only helped the triggers I suffered from to a point. Are you manic or depressed or both?
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#5
Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. BPD is very hard to deal with. The instability and the feeling of helplessness are the worst. Drugs only helped the triggers I suffered from to a point. Are you manic or depressed or both?
I do not experience mania with my borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I am depressed and extremely anxious...
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#6
I do not experience mania with my borderline personality disorder diagnosis. I am depressed and extremely anxious...
They told me that I suffered from manic depression. That’s why I asked. Throughout life I did get bouts of anxiety. I was able to rid myself of them once I learned that my personal anxiety was unchecked fear. Once I faced my fear it went away. The rest I had to pray for supernatural help in getting free from it. Some don’t believe me, but I know it’s true because I lived through it .
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#8
I guess my question is, what are you so afraid of?
Oh god... SO MANY THINGS. My parents won’t stop stalking me and the police haven’t done anything to help me. My wife left and I’m afraid she will only come back asking for a divorce. My job is horrible but I can’t quit. I am up to my eyeballs in debt and have tried to get out of it, but I can’t because of the interest. I can’t finish my college degree so I’m afraid I will never have the English degree I fought so many years to earn... The list goes on. My life is out of my control. I do all the right things: Ask for help, use DBT skills, be honest about how much I’m struggling. For nothing... to end up with nothing and no one
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#9
Oh god... SO MANY THINGS. My parents won’t stop stalking me and the police haven’t done anything to help me. My wife left and I’m afraid she will only come back asking for a divorce. My job is horrible but I can’t quit. I am up to my eyeballs in debt and have tried to get out of it, but I can’t because of the interest. I can’t finish my college degree so I’m afraid I will never have the English degree I fought so many years to earn... The list goes on. My life is out of my control. I do all the right things: Ask for help, use DBT skills, be honest about how much I’m struggling. For nothing... to end up with nothing and no one
Also, I am transgender and am transitioning to male but I have no legal protections where I live and I have to be around people who misgender me every day. I’m at my wits end... idc what your thoughts are on trans people, but it is who I am and I’m tired of having to fight to be treated like a human being
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#10
Oh god... SO MANY THINGS. My parents won’t stop stalking me and the police haven’t done anything to help me. My wife left and I’m afraid she will only come back asking for a divorce. My job is horrible but I can’t quit. I am up to my eyeballs in debt and have tried to get out of it, but I can’t because of the interest. I can’t finish my college degree so I’m afraid I will never have the English degree I fought so many years to earn... The list goes on. My life is out of my control. I do all the right things: Ask for help, use DBT skills, be honest about how much I’m struggling. For nothing... to end up with nothing and no one
Well that’s a list, isn’t it?
Ok, I need to understand what you mean by parents stalking you?
I understand why you fear your wife will divorce you. Is she worth fighting for? If so, perhaps making a plan to win her back will help squash that fear.
Debt is an ugly experience, but you can stop getting into it by closing accounts to credit cards and living on a small budget until it’s paid off.
I wouldn’t know what to say about the degree? Is this to get into a better career? Or to make more in your current career?
I do disagree with you about one thing. You do have control. Once you realize that I believe you will have less anxiety to deal with. You have your life day by day. What you do in those days determine future days. Forgive the past days, and learn from them. That’s the only way to change the past. It’s by learning from it.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#11
Also, I am transgender and am transitioning to male but I have no legal protections where I live and I have to be around people who misgender me every day. I’m at my wits end... idc what your thoughts are on trans people, but it is who I am and I’m tired of having to fight to be treated like a human being
I am not your judge on the transgender issue. I do agree that you are a human being and you should be afforded the same rights as one.
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#12
Well that’s a list, isn’t it?
Ok, I need to understand what you mean by parents stalking you?
I understand why you fear your wife will divorce you. Is she worth fighting for? If so, perhaps making a plan to win her back will help squash that fear.
Debt is an ugly experience, but you can stop getting into it by closing accounts to credit cards and living on a small budget until it’s paid off.
I wouldn’t know what to say about the degree? Is this to get into a better career? Or to make more in your current career?
I do disagree with you about one thing. You do have control. Once you realize that I believe you will have less anxiety to deal with. You have your life day by day. What you do in those days determine future days. Forgive the past days, and learn from them. That’s the only way to change the past. It’s by learning from it.
My parents found my married name and address illegally because it wasn’t public record and I made sure of it. They’ve sent letters to my college looking for me and sent a letter to my address. Sent emails to me every day for several months. Showed up to the address they found. Talked to my old landlord. Made 3 false reports about me being missing. The list goes on. It’s ridiculous and fills me with dread every waking minute. They abused me, particularly sexually. They have admitted to knowing I want no contact yet also said they will never stop trying to look for me. As for everything else, you can disagree. But this is the hell I live every day, on top of my mental illnesses. I have done what you suggested about the debt already. Hasn’t fixed it at all. And my wife can go fuck herself. I didn’t deserve to be abandoned, especially during a worldwide pandemic. I shouldn’t care, but I hate her for leaving but still love her because we had a life together.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#13
I don’t even know what to say. I have no words left to describe how much I am suffering inside of my head (as I proceed to describe anyhow...) I’m an idiot. The mental anguish has taken a toll on my body. I’m in physical pain 24/7. I can’t breathe or sleep properly because of it... my head feels like it’s in a fog. I feel exhausted all of the time. Talking, showering, using the bathroom, changing my clothes, and eating are all tedious and overwhelming. All of the basic survival things...

I can’t do this anymore. I really feel at the end. I know I will die because I already feel like I’m dying every minute of every day. It feels like when someone is dying of old age and they say their goodbyes and pass in their sleep... it feels a lot like that.

I have panic attacks every night. I’m anxious most of the time and depressed the rest of the time. I wish someone would help me out of this prison of perpetual pain...
You shouldn’t give up on life. This is your path and these are your experiences. All hope for happiness and change is guaranteed to end by death. Are you willing to make that permanent decision?
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#14
You shouldn’t give up on life. This is your path and these are your experiences. All hope for happiness and change is guaranteed to end by death. Are you willing to make that permanent decision?
Yes. You say that like death should be this scary thing. I’ve lived with suicide as the escape my entire life. My entire life has been trauma
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#15
My parents found my married name and address illegally because it wasn’t public record and I made sure of it. They’ve sent letters to my college looking for me and sent a letter to my address. Sent emails to me every day for several months. Showed up to the address they found. Talked to my old landlord. Made 3 false reports about me being missing. The list goes on. It’s ridiculous and fills me with dread every waking minute. They abused me, particularly sexually. They have admitted to knowing I want no contact yet also said they will never stop trying to look for me. As for everything else, you can disagree. But this is the hell I live every day, on top of my mental illnesses. I have done what you suggested about the debt already. Hasn’t fixed it at all. And my wife can go fuck herself. I didn’t deserve to be abandoned, especially during a worldwide pandemic. I shouldn’t care, but I hate her for leaving but still love her because we had a life together.
I am grieved to hear that your tormentors are harassing you still to this day. It’s sad that your family are the ones to betray you like this. Have you placed restraining orders on them?
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#16
I am grieved to hear that your tormentors are harassing you still to this day. It’s sad that your family are the ones to betray you like this. Have you placed restraining orders on them?
I tried!!! THE POLICE told me several times it wouldn’t hold up in court. I live somewhere where they don’t take this seriously. I’ve looked into resources... asked for legal help. BEGGED. I ran away for two months and lived out of hotels. That’s why I’m in so much debt now. I tried moving but then the pandemic hit
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#17
I am grieved to hear that your tormentors are harassing you still to this day. It’s sad that your family are the ones to betray you like this. Have you placed restraining orders on them?
Also, I know you are only trying to help. Thank you for that.. and for asking questions
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#18
Yes. You say that like death should be this scary thing. I’ve lived with suicide as the escape my entire life. My entire life has been trauma
Death is only scary if the sense that it ends any chance for healing, hope, and change. Every trauma you’ve experienced can be healed. This is from my experience. I’ve been used and abused by people I trusted, not sexually by my parents, but others. I used to suffer just like you. I’ve even lived as a bisexual for a good portion of my life, not saying this is a trauma, but an experience. Physical death isn’t the answer. Change requires living. Peace can be attained other ways.
 
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Daphna

Ninja of light
#19
I tried!!! THE POLICE told me several times it wouldn’t hold up in court. I live somewhere where they don’t take this seriously. I’ve looked into resources... asked for legal help. BEGGED. I ran away for two months and lived out of hotels. That’s why I’m in so much debt now. I tried moving but then the pandemic hit
I see. Yes, motels are expensive. I was homeless in this way for a few years. I could only afford it because I was an exotic dancer for five and half years. So I know how expensive it is. What do you do for a living?
 

Sewicide

Well-Known Member
#20
Death is only scary if the sense that it ends any chance for healing, hope, and change. Every trauma you’ve experienced can be healed. This is from my experience. I’ve been used and abused by people I trusted, not sexually by my parents, but others. I used to suffer just like you. I’ve even lived as a bisexual for a good portion of my life, but saying this is a trauma, but an experience. Physical death isn’t the answer. Change requires living. Peace can be attained other ways.
I’m bothered that you say being bisexual was a part of your trauma. But I respect that it was your personal experience.
 
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