Hanging on by a thread

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Aliesha, May 28, 2016.

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  1. Aliesha

    Aliesha Member

    I feel like I am hanging on by a thread, and every day I am terrified that it is going to snap. Sometimes it seems like it is stronger while other days it is so weak I think one deep breath and it will snap.
    Today is one of those bad days in witch I feel like I can not breath to hard, Ever sense I can remember I have had bad thoughts of wanting to end it, I have even tried a few times but some how I have managed to keep going, waking up the next morning getting out of bed and just getting through it the best to my ability.
    I have been with my partner for four years, she is the love of my life. I can not explain the feelings I have towards her we both suffer from depression and today I told her she better never leave me, she replied by saying she is not strong enough and that she has tried to end it before.
    I know when she was younger she went through a really bad bout of depression and she tried lot's of different things but hearing her say that. That she was not brave enough, not that she didn't want to or that she loved me to much but that she did not have the bravery really hit me cold in the heart. What happens if she does one day get brave enough? What if one day she decides enough is enough. She is the one thing I hang onto when things are really bad, I tell her to keep going and to hold on because I need to hear those things as well and she is my rock.
    I feel so selfish and hypocritical because as I am writing this I want to end it, before her. Not as a competition or because of anything aside from the fact that I can not be in this world without her. She is my best friend, we have been through allot of the same hard ships and had allot of the same experiences in life and I have no idea how I would get by without her. I hate that she is feeling the same things as I am feeling because I know how much it hurts and how much it takes over and consumes you and I just want her to be free. I want too be free.
     
  2. seadra

    seadra Active Member

    Hi. It seem that you feel losing this person you care about so much would tear you apart. That's hard. It also seems you have tried to communicate how you feel to little success. I know the iOS and downs and those are SUPER painful. Just hang in there. You may find something useful here

    And welcome to the forum.
     
  3. Aliesha

    Aliesha Member

    Thank you for replying.
    We communicate till our lips are blue sometimes. I just get so tired of talking sometimes. It just always seems to go around and around it never ends. I just hate when we are both down, it makes it so hard to keep going. At least on my okay days I can give her the support she needs but when I am down as well it makes it almost impossible and I just can not even deal.
    She is almost down all the time but I have up days as well. Those days are easier because I can make her laugh and cheer her up, on these days though I can barley get up myself.
     
  4. seadra

    seadra Active Member

    Take advantage of those up days to push her up,it's the best thing you can do
     
  5. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Aliesha, I'm sorry you and your partner both feel like this, depression takes us to dark places. The problem is when we make someone our "everything" sooner or later it is going to end, I know I've been there. I guess the only thing is to try and get in touch with yourself and seek the power to be that's inside of you. That's the firmest anchor you'll ever find that can take you through the bad times. I hope you feel better soon, take care and be gentle with yourself.
    Brian
     
  6. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Are you able to do anything when you both get down? Or maybe as you feel yourself crashing? Like going for a walk, to a movie, to the mall. Anything to take your mind off the depression. Sitting and dwelling on it often just makes things worse.
     
    MisterBGone likes this.
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