Hanging on by a thread

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by foolnomore, Jun 14, 2011.

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  1. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I feel as if I am loosing the battleand that at the first opportunity I am going to let go. I keep trying to distract my self but my thoughts just come back to ending it.
    I have run through every reason not to and none of them are good enough. Everyone would be better off without me ,I am no use to man nor beast.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Johnnie sound like depression has got a hold of you badly. I think alot of people would care if you left. I hope you continue to hold on for the people that do love you hugs
     
  3. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    You are right, I can't get myself out of it using my usual methods and the meds don't seem to be working anymore.
    Just a few people would miss me but they would be better missing me than living with me .I really am no use to anyone anymore ,surplus to requirements.
    I have always tried to help people (was a nurse for 30 years ) but I question whether I have really done any good and really helped anyone, and the answer I come up with is no, it has all been for nothing and when i am gone I will soon be forgotten.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you are nurse then you know if the meds are not working time to change them right. Newer meds out there that do work better. YOu should be commended on being a nurse for 30 years a very hard but rewarding profession i know You must of cared for so many and loved your profession to have stayed in it so long. Time to care for you now okay to use the knowledge and compassion you have on healing yourself now. New meds therapy for you okay
    The will not be better living without you they will be in pain and sadness as i am There is healing with new meds therapy you can find that inner peace again. Hugs.
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Why do you feel like it was all for nothing?
     
  6. Catfreak

    Catfreak Active Member

    I agree. I'm sure you have helped people, professionally and generally. I know it's sk hard when your in this mindset but there really is hope in that you knowing the meds aren't working and so changes can be made accordingly. There's nothing to lose right? I hope you keep hanging on, although I know how hard it is as I'm struggling too but we must keep trying and reaching out x
     
  7. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Johnnie,

    You have been so used to be independent, take care of others…a nurse for 30 years tells a lot…You are loving and caring…

    The thought “Just a few people would miss me but they would be better missing me than living with me .I really am no use to anyone anymore”. You can know by your heart it is NOT true…

    You know you have done a lot of good and helped lots of people. The mind was not even being reasonable about this when it questions “whether you have really done any good and really helped anyone”…and the answer “no” is simply outrageous…

    What you can do to help others now is to help yourself and not to hurt yourself in any way. You know you deserve the best care from yourself. (You may also need to learn to get used to receiving care from others. When we allow others to offer us care, we are allowing the heart of life to lead us...it's something beautiful for others to experience loving kindness as well...loving kindness is deep inside everyone.) It would be extremely sad for anyone (not to mention the ones who are close to you) to see someone who has helped others for 30 years as a nurse to "end" in such a way…

    If you believe in next life, you may also believe that our human experiences here are probably our soul’s choices for us to learn or to go beyond things, such as the thoughts or the mind. You are already aware of the dark thoughts in the mind. Can you see that the awareness or consciousness is more real than the thoughts? This may be because the awareness or consciousness is who or what we truly are, not the thoughts or the mind projected self images (the ego - the fictitious self)…

    I invite you to have a look at this video. Eckhart Tolle had suicidal thoughts, too. He is also in his 60s now.

    Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00

    and here is a video clip about his suicidal experience (text from his book “The Power of Now”, which talks a lot about ego and the mind - how to handle thoughts):

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDQMESbPuUk&NR=1

    Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF:

    http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf

    You may also know, without thoughts, the simplicity of life itself can be just beautiful. When the mind is quiet, we can see what a wonderful mystery the nature is...

    When you are alone, can you please try to go out in public more if that helps?

    Please do take care of yourself, for all human beings!!

    With love and hugs :hug:
     
  8. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member

    Johnnie first of all I want to say that I'm proud of you being a nurse for 30 years, the medical field is hard. I'm an engineer I know I couldn't do it, I think i would break down to see a someone on a bad day that I was taking care. Caring the job as a nurse for 30 years is really a mile stone, and shows a lot about you being loving and caring.

    You say only a few people would miss you, I used to say this myself, and one day I decided to really take a look. So I really took a look one day and I was wrong, there are people who love you. I just got to know you and I can say I like you, I know if you gave me a chance I could love you like brother. I hope that counts for something, so I'm extending my hand and leaving to you to PM me. I want to hear more about you, and I want to help.
     
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Hey Johnnie
    I have found that if I am not giving I go into a deeper depression. And yet, because of the depths of depression I am not really able to give much. So it creates a vicious cycle thats very painful for me.

    I used to be a "healer". I used to help people. A lot. And now I am not full enough to give much of anything. This does create a vicious cycle for sure. A place where I see from my mind and not my heart. And my mind is wounded because of the pain. I write this to you, because you were a nurse. Nurses heal. They give. If you ever feel like sending me a pm, please do. I care. And you have come to a place where a lot of people care.
     
  10. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    Thank you to everyone for your replies. They are very thought provoking and I will mull over each point raised and look at the links given.
    I have taken the first little step after reading all those replies and phoned my doctor for an appointment. So I have to hang on until Friday morning whatever I do (I can't stand letting people down) .
    Thank you all so much,I am embarrassed at my own defeatism ,I can see I have come to a site full of fighters and I hope your fighting spirit will rub off on me.
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You should be proud of yourself for calling your doctor, that took a LOT of courage. :hug: You aren't defeated, you've still got some fight left. Here if you need anything.
     
  12. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Johnnie,

    …no need to be embarrassed… You know you have what it takes to go through what you are going through. You just need to give your attention to that which is FOR you, not the thoughts that are against you. We can all use a reminder now and then...

    Lovingly :hug:
     
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    hey Johnnie..glad to see you're checking in with your doctor...
    I agree with the others that a nursing career for 30 years is an amazing achievment..

    I have lost someone to suicide and I can tell you their life as they know it is over when they lose you..
    alive but not living!..

    I hope you find the help you need through the docs and here with us where we understand your pain..*hug*
     
  14. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    Just wanted to drop by your thread and give you a **gentle hug**

    Glad you found this site!

    I hope you feel a bit better soon.

    xx

    :hug:
     
  15. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    The fact that you're here one day after your initial post should give you some satisfaction that you haven't let go for whatever reason, and no matter how it gets in your lie, you will always have something to hold onto to get you through the day, even it's something small, like finding out what happens next in your favourite television show or that next great concert in your area that you've wanted to see since you were a young'un or even something small, like trying to taco hells onto a stick.
     
  16. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    Well I am still here today,so thanks again for your encouraging messages. I see a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel so will keep thinking of that. I have to get through this. I am going to see my daughter tonight,she has offered me a shoulder to cry on,so for today I have something to look forward to .
    Thank you all so much.
     
  17. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your daughter si your reason your light always remember that okay.
     
  18. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I never forget my children ,they each have their own problems and of course I try to help them but I can't always do that and when my depression is overwhelming I see only the harm I am doing. They don't need worry about me on top of everything else. I know they love me and would miss me but I also think they would be better off without me around. They will go on with their lives and wont have those extra times of worry. I want them to be happy and have a better life than me.
     
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your kids worry about you because they love you. If you were gone, that worry would be replaced by hurt and sadness, but that hurt wouldn't go away.
    Let them be there for you, and be your shoulder to cry on if they're willing to be. :hug:
     
  20. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    My daughter is,she lives with depression too so understands -is that my influence I wonder.
    The son who lives with me is good and means well but hasn't a clue what to do or say ,he is hopeless but so kind and well meaning.
    My other son I rarely see so he has no idea of what goes on,he seems to think I am invincible because he has never been around when I have been physically ill or suicidal.
    I have another non biological daughter that lives with me ,she is an adult that I took in when she was introuble so has only been around a couple of years not her whole life ,but she has her own problems so I can't burden her I am supposed to be helping her!
    So there are willing people around but I don't like to lean on them ,I am the parent and should be stronfg and there for them .
     
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