Dear Johnnie,
You have been so used to be independent, take care of others…a nurse for 30 years tells a lot…You are loving and caring…
The thought “Just a few people would miss me but they would be better missing me than living with me .I really am no use to anyone anymore”. You can know by your heart it is NOT true…
You know you have done a lot of good and helped lots of people. The mind was not even being reasonable about this when it questions “whether you have really done any good and really helped anyone”…and the answer “no” is simply outrageous…
What you can do to help others now is to help yourself and not to hurt yourself in any way. You know you deserve the best care from yourself. (You may also need to learn to get used to receiving care from others. When we allow others to offer us care, we are allowing the heart of life to lead us...it's something beautiful for others to experience loving kindness as well...loving kindness is deep inside everyone.) It would be extremely sad for anyone (not to mention the ones who are close to you) to see someone who has helped others for 30 years as a nurse to "end" in such a way…
If you believe in next life, you may also believe that our human experiences here are probably our soul’s choices for us to learn or to go beyond things, such as the thoughts or the mind. You are already aware of the dark thoughts in the mind. Can you see that the awareness or consciousness is more real than the thoughts? This may be because the awareness or consciousness is who or what we truly are, not the thoughts or the mind projected self images (the ego - the fictitious self)…
I invite you to have a look at this video. Eckhart Tolle had suicidal thoughts, too. He is also in his 60s now.
Your Thoughts Make You Suffer ~ Eckhart Tolle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_eASmGTd00
and here is a video clip about his suicidal experience (text from his book “The Power of Now”, which talks a lot about ego and the mind - how to handle thoughts):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDQMESbPuUk&NR=1
Here is a link to free download of the book in PDF:
http://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/The-Power-Of-Now-EckhartTolle.pdf
You may also know, without thoughts, the simplicity of life itself can be just beautiful. When the mind is quiet, we can see what a wonderful mystery the nature is...
When you are alone, can you please try to go out in public more if that helps?
Please do take care of yourself, for all human beings!!
With love and hugs :hug: