Hi,
I'm on the verge of tears as I write this, so please bear with me, I may ramble.
Lately, I've been having really strong suicidal impulses and I'm not sure if I can control them any more. I researched methods and came up with one that I have the supplies for (I remember enough of the forum rules to not discuss details). I've come so close several times, and each time it's like I'm on autopilot. I want to die. Not execute some dramatic gesture or express anger or anything like that (not to put down anyone else's feelings), but simply to end my life. Stop the pain, regardless of what it would take.
I am turning 50 this month. I doubt that my birthday will be celebrated since money is tight. This makes me hurt, since it feels like the people in my life don't value me - I don't count. It's just another day. I am but a cog in the vast, all-powerful Master Mechanism (bonus points for anyone who can get that reference).
My job hours are brutal - I've been working 80-100 hours/week, but the project needs to be done on schedule and (if not), I'm the one who'll take the blame. I don't even want to do anything any more, I just drift through life. I'm on enough sleep meds (OTC and prescrip) to sedate an elephant, but still have spent several sleepless nights just lying awake staring at the walls. Eventually, I get up and do more work.
The only people who are keeping me here are my dog and my two cats. I love them dearly and am terrified of them winding up in a shelter. There are so many animals that have been abandoned, it's not likely they would find a home. And I would miss their love so much - it's the only warmth in my life.
My wife cares about me too, but she doesn't understand how deeply I'm hurting. She has asked me to take time off, but we don't have any money and sitting around the house would be like drinking acid - it would just be a constant reminder of my situation.
Lately, I crave sleep, and I think it's because it's like a little death. For a few hours, I'm unconscious and don't hurt. I take enough medications that once I get to sleep, I sleep deeply.
In the past, music like Evanescence has served as a safety net for me - being able to sing my pain along with the band has almost been a safety valve, although some songs leave me feeling like someone has cut my soul with a razor. Still, it's better to feel something than nothing. Now, the music isn't enough - even the most bitter lyrics (Evanescence "Bring Me to Life", "Your Star", "Whisper" are some of the best) just don't do as much as they used to. As Harlan Ellison put it: I have no mouth, and I must scream.
Part of the reason I feel suicidal so strongly is because I've been there before. Many years ago, when I made the decision, it was like a huge weight was lifted. I was at peace for the first time in years. I had a near-death experience and it formed the basis for my spirituality (not sure what else to call it - it's not a religion in the usual sense). I remember peace, complete acceptance, and a feeling like the suffering was over. Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to stay (it wasn't my time) and had to come back.
I think something really bad is coming, not just for me but for all of us. I don't know what it is, but if it were weather, there would be signs like a green sky (usually shows before a hurricane) and the seas would be restless. I don't see anything other than what everyone sees in the news, but I can feel things going wrong, like the poem by Yeats:
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
I don't know what to do except hang on. Some say that things get better, that depression is like a storm and sunny days come after. I don't know whether to dismiss this as false optimism or a willing blindness to the coming storm. But I would give a great deal to simply put an end to the pain.
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
Steve
I'm on the verge of tears as I write this, so please bear with me, I may ramble.
Lately, I've been having really strong suicidal impulses and I'm not sure if I can control them any more. I researched methods and came up with one that I have the supplies for (I remember enough of the forum rules to not discuss details). I've come so close several times, and each time it's like I'm on autopilot. I want to die. Not execute some dramatic gesture or express anger or anything like that (not to put down anyone else's feelings), but simply to end my life. Stop the pain, regardless of what it would take.
I am turning 50 this month. I doubt that my birthday will be celebrated since money is tight. This makes me hurt, since it feels like the people in my life don't value me - I don't count. It's just another day. I am but a cog in the vast, all-powerful Master Mechanism (bonus points for anyone who can get that reference).
My job hours are brutal - I've been working 80-100 hours/week, but the project needs to be done on schedule and (if not), I'm the one who'll take the blame. I don't even want to do anything any more, I just drift through life. I'm on enough sleep meds (OTC and prescrip) to sedate an elephant, but still have spent several sleepless nights just lying awake staring at the walls. Eventually, I get up and do more work.
The only people who are keeping me here are my dog and my two cats. I love them dearly and am terrified of them winding up in a shelter. There are so many animals that have been abandoned, it's not likely they would find a home. And I would miss their love so much - it's the only warmth in my life.
My wife cares about me too, but she doesn't understand how deeply I'm hurting. She has asked me to take time off, but we don't have any money and sitting around the house would be like drinking acid - it would just be a constant reminder of my situation.
Lately, I crave sleep, and I think it's because it's like a little death. For a few hours, I'm unconscious and don't hurt. I take enough medications that once I get to sleep, I sleep deeply.
In the past, music like Evanescence has served as a safety net for me - being able to sing my pain along with the band has almost been a safety valve, although some songs leave me feeling like someone has cut my soul with a razor. Still, it's better to feel something than nothing. Now, the music isn't enough - even the most bitter lyrics (Evanescence "Bring Me to Life", "Your Star", "Whisper" are some of the best) just don't do as much as they used to. As Harlan Ellison put it: I have no mouth, and I must scream.
Part of the reason I feel suicidal so strongly is because I've been there before. Many years ago, when I made the decision, it was like a huge weight was lifted. I was at peace for the first time in years. I had a near-death experience and it formed the basis for my spirituality (not sure what else to call it - it's not a religion in the usual sense). I remember peace, complete acceptance, and a feeling like the suffering was over. Unfortunately, I wasn't allowed to stay (it wasn't my time) and had to come back.
I think something really bad is coming, not just for me but for all of us. I don't know what it is, but if it were weather, there would be signs like a green sky (usually shows before a hurricane) and the seas would be restless. I don't see anything other than what everyone sees in the news, but I can feel things going wrong, like the poem by Yeats:
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
I don't know what to do except hang on. Some say that things get better, that depression is like a storm and sunny days come after. I don't know whether to dismiss this as false optimism or a willing blindness to the coming storm. But I would give a great deal to simply put an end to the pain.
Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori
Steve
