hanging on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kannier, Oct 15, 2007.

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  1. kannier

    kannier New Member

    I am new. I am 22 and married and I have a 2 yr old son. I have always been that person who jokes and laughs and pokes fun at everything. I think that my family thinks I am a happy-go-lucky girl with a big full life ahead of her. But inside, I feel defeated, bruised and beaten by life and most of all, stuck. I know that I could NEVER commit suicide because I could never do that to my family and most of all my son, but I WANT to from time to time. When things get bad, I sometimes wander into the bathroom and lock the door and crack open a fresh razor and stare at it. I could never do it, but I just want to. I read these posts and I feel awful for everyone here and at the same time I know that my problems are not as downright serious as most of you. I have always used humor to cover everything up. But the truth is, I cry myself to sleep almost every night after everyone falls asleep. Anyway, I am decently educated person, with a decent family, and a beautiful son but I cannot find happiness. Sometimes I can actually feel my mood coming down. Life coming down of drugs or something. I don't do drugs by the way. I just imagine thats how it feels....I have tried Anti-Depressants before, several brands actually, they gave my mind-splitting headaches. So I go along with out them. And I actually prefer to. I even went to therapy too, it just didn't help. Maybe for that day but the next day I would fall back into old habits. Sometimes I look at my parents and I just know that if they knew how much I was hurting they could lighten up a little. They don't exactly believe in mental issues I think. They are simpletons I guess you could say. My husband gets it, kind of. He knows that I hurt a lot and he catches me crying once in awhile. He suggests getting back on AD's but I can't bring myself to do that when I have to be on top of my game to take care of our son. You can't even take care of yourself when you have that bad of a headache ya know? He tells me that after we move (we are waiting on military approval) things will get better, and after he gets out (of the military) things will get better, and when he makes really good money things will get better....I guess I just want a guarantee. There is no such thing in the military. I want a better life. Sometimes I think being a different person altogether with a totally different personality could help me get thru this life better. But that's not an option obviously. I don't want a different life. I just want to be someone different. I want to be a confident, pulled together, happy go lucky girl. The way everyone sees me. But thats just a facade.
  2. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    we all know life gets hard at times and it is harder for some than others but i am happy that you don't want to leave your son alone, its ok to have these thoughts and nothing to be ashamed of, just stick with things and those you love and you never know what is round the corner, your husband may be right.
    we are always here for you if you need to talk.
    take care hun :hug:
  3. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Though it may be a facade, I see it as great strength of yours.(the happy-go-lucky 'persona') That's(positive spirit you exude around people) a blessing.
    I can't learn it if I gave up my right leg and paid a million bucks for it. Some people just can't.

    I don't think you're 'faking' it. It's just that you need to do more soul-searchin' to find out what you want in life.

    I have a feeling that you have some good reasons for being depressed that you did not mention in your post, but that's fine, you don't have to talk about it.

    Heck, I'm 22,(single) same age as you. Having to raise a child at any age is very challenging. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. You should give yourself more credit for raising a chid at such a young age.

    You're still very young physically and at heart. You should enjoy your life more, follow the dream that you kept in your heart when you were younger.
    Do things for yourself.

    You should 'keep' your 'bubbly charm', even when you don't feel like it. It's perfectly OK to ask for advice and additional help. But if you start bringing any negative emotions(insecurity,anger) to the surface,(probably in an attempt to show you're hurt and need help), it'll only let your own problems affect others.

    That's what happened to me. I felt like I was only "bubbly" on the outside and thought that was not 'me'. I started acting on my negative emotions, being all moody and stuff.. I lost a few friends because of my stupidity.

    You should surround with yourself the people who love and support you more than ever. Do not go into a shell and cope with it alone, crying yourself to sleep.
    Make this 'facade'(happy-go-lucky) such a big part of your life, that it becomes 'you' on the inside.

    Do not let yourself have any time for depression(that.. heavy-headed feeling pushing down on your body), let other people bring joy into your life(when you can't), just like you do to others.

    Maybe watch/read "the secret"(that metaphysical(?) book recommended by Oprah)
    reading self-help books does help, works better than anti-depressants.

    My post sounds like some stranger telling you 'do this and do that' but it's just my opinions, nothing forced.
    I'm 22 and also suffering from clinical depression, so I thought I'd give my 2 cents.

    Just remember, everyone(guys&gal, young or old) loves 'happy-go-lucky' girls. You'll be loved by many. The world needs more people like you, there're too many miserable idiots out there.

    You should hang on. Get rid of the razor blade. You have a very good reason to do so. One guy who was a 'loner' killed himself. He must have thought he was a loner and no one wanted him. Well, guess what, many tears were shed(and the sky was crying), and the grief was unbearable.

    Just imagine how many people.... all the loved ones, friends, acquaintances would be crying over your casket.
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