I am new. I am 22 and married and I have a 2 yr old son. I have always been that person who jokes and laughs and pokes fun at everything. I think that my family thinks I am a happy-go-lucky girl with a big full life ahead of her. But inside, I feel defeated, bruised and beaten by life and most of all, stuck. I know that I could NEVER commit suicide because I could never do that to my family and most of all my son, but I WANT to from time to time. When things get bad, I sometimes wander into the bathroom and lock the door and crack open a fresh razor and stare at it. I could never do it, but I just want to. I read these posts and I feel awful for everyone here and at the same time I know that my problems are not as downright serious as most of you. I have always used humor to cover everything up. But the truth is, I cry myself to sleep almost every night after everyone falls asleep. Anyway, I am decently educated person, with a decent family, and a beautiful son but I cannot find happiness. Sometimes I can actually feel my mood coming down. Life coming down of drugs or something. I don't do drugs by the way. I just imagine thats how it feels....I have tried Anti-Depressants before, several brands actually, they gave my mind-splitting headaches. So I go along with out them. And I actually prefer to. I even went to therapy too, it just didn't help. Maybe for that day but the next day I would fall back into old habits. Sometimes I look at my parents and I just know that if they knew how much I was hurting they could lighten up a little. They don't exactly believe in mental issues I think. They are simpletons I guess you could say. My husband gets it, kind of. He knows that I hurt a lot and he catches me crying once in awhile. He suggests getting back on AD's but I can't bring myself to do that when I have to be on top of my game to take care of our son. You can't even take care of yourself when you have that bad of a headache ya know? He tells me that after we move (we are waiting on military approval) things will get better, and after he gets out (of the military) things will get better, and when he makes really good money things will get better....I guess I just want a guarantee. There is no such thing in the military. I want a better life. Sometimes I think being a different person altogether with a totally different personality could help me get thru this life better. But that's not an option obviously. I don't want a different life. I just want to be someone different. I want to be a confident, pulled together, happy go lucky girl. The way everyone sees me. But thats just a facade.