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happens every time i'm happy..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by neko-chan, Jun 14, 2018.

  1. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    i'm not sure if it's just that i'm extremely unlucky.. but whenever i get excited or the least bit happy about anything.. something bad happens and my mood just plummets.. and i feel anxious and upset.. almost makes me not want to be happy again because then something bad might happen again..

    the same thing happens when i meet friends.. everything would be fine for awhile.. i'll be happy and excited to talk to them.. then suddenly they will stop talking to me.. be too busy.. and i'd be the only one waiting always for them to talk to me.. always me pestering for time.. and attention.. no one ever really needs me.. i'm sort of like that one friend you're really not that close to.. but you talk to sometimes when your really close friends are not around.. sort of like a substitute.. that's me.. all the time.. that's why from now on.. i won't try to get too close to anyone.. because when i get too close they run away.. and that hurts so much.. i don't want any of that anymore..

    maybe i'm not just supposed to be happy.. i should just be neutral about everything.. i was a bit happy and excited awhile ago.. i feel wanted.. but look at me now.. i'm upset and sad again.. life just always reminds me that it's awful.. and that's just how it is.. i should accept it..
  2. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    Having gone through friendships that fizzled out will make finding a solid friendship all the more rewarding, because you'll already know what the alternative is like.

    If every day was a holiday, then no days would be a holiday, right? Following that logic, I think that if we were happy all of the time, that happiness would end up just feeling neutral. The existence of sadness is what allows for the existence of joy. You can't have either one of them without sometimes having the other. That is, sadly, how it is.
  3. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    is it even worth it at this point.. i don't even know if i'll be a good company anymore.. i mean.. this always happens.. it's too tiring.. i'm like a dog following people around after a bit of attention.. it's bound to be tiring even for a dog..

    also.. i don't wish for a rosy life.. that's waiting for a miracle to happen.. it's more like wanting more peace than storm in my life.. a bit of sunshine in this otherwise gloomy life.. but.. i guess you're right.. even the sun sets after all.. if that makes sense..
  4. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    @Paisley sorry.. i know you were just trying to help..

  5. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    No need to apologize at all. Honest.

    Ideally you'd be able to find some people who meet you halfway in regards to effort... it makes sense that chasing after people who don't care as much as you would be tiring...

    So you just want more good than bad... okay, I get it now. Try to keep in mind that things may even out sometime in the future, alright? Hope can hurt, but it can keep us hanging on until things do manage to get better, too.
  6. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    in a good day i'd think it's not my fault.. and that maybe i'm just hanging out with the wrong people.. until i realize that these people don't have a problem hanging out with others.. like they have a functional and really good relationship with their friends.. and it's sad to know that you don't have anyone left if you lose them while they have others when they lose you..

    just a bit of something good in my life would be awesome.. something that won't be yanked away from me after awhile..
  7. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    I still think you're just hanging out with the wrong people, despite the fact that they have other friends. When you're meant to be friends with someone, the feeling is mutual. Personally I have a total of one friend outside of the computer. This is because I stopped talking with each and every person who demonstrated that they were wrong for me. I believe that one day you'll find at least one person who is perfect for you to be friends with.

    I think a way to build something good in your life that can't be yanked away is to focus on self improvement. I also think that focusing on subjects you're interested in will be a good way to find likeminded people to potentially form friendships with. My theory is that once I know what I want to do with my life and am working towards those goals, it'll be inevitable that I meet people who have similar goals themselves. This hasn't worked for me yet, but then again, I haven't figured out what trajectory I want my life to follow yet.

    Sorry now I feel like I'm talking about myself too much. But I think that what I'm saying might apply to you as well.
  8. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    nah.. it's completely fine.. you're simply sharing your experiences.. don't worry about it..

    i actually thought i've met that person already.. but then it seems i'm wrong.. you're lucky you have one friend.. i can't even say i have a really close friend.. like some sort of a best friend.. who isn't someone i met online.. i do have friends but no one that close to me that i could really confide in..

    like you i still haven't figured out what to do with my life.. i've been working the same job that i hate long enough to be acceptable.. i've been enduring it for years.. it's a bit stupid.. also.. i'm one of those people who gets bored with stuff easily.. i used to like music before i got tired of it.. then i liked reading books before i get too busy for it.. i just don't have any passion for anything.. which is sad.. i do get hooked into something really quickly but then get tired of it too.. it's sad thinking how everyone thought by now i should be someone already.. that i have achieved something.. but i'm disappointing everyone.. especially myself.. it's so pathetic..
  9. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    The funny thing is that she has other friends and I don't. But I'm not even sure if she knows that about me or not. What I do know is that after my first suicide attempt she held a party for me after I got discharged from the hospital because she was so happy I was still alive. I hope life gives you someone like that soon.

    There's no time limit to finding where your passions lie. It may be that you just got bored of things quickly because they weren't the right things for you.

    I disappoint people too. I'm the only one of my siblings who keeps attempting suicide, I'm still taking highschool courses at age 21, and my anxiety is so bad that I can't hold down any kind of job. So I really relate to you about feeling like a letdown.
  10. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    she's a really good friend then.. i hope you let her know that she's really special to you..

    life is just so unfair right.. how come some people get all the good things in life?? we're like left out when everyone was given the luck they need in life..
  11. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

    In my own life I feel like I need to be able to give myself what I need otherwise I won't be able to accept it from others and will make sure I don't get it.
  12. Paisley

    Paisley * * * SF Artist SF Supporter

    I do let her know.

    Life is very unfair. However, I could have decided to not go back and finish my highschool, yet I am, and I should be graduating soon. I think my point is that we can't change some things about our lives (like our past), but we can change other things about our lives (like our future). Some aspects will be impossible to change, of course. But other aspects have potential.
    Petal likes this.
  13. SBV24

    SBV24 Well-Known Member

    i think i discovered the term for this today, it's called cherophobia.

    i feel you, i have been feeling that way for all my life. i want to be happy but can't fully allow myself to because i anticipate and just know something bad will happen in return.

    Most of the time i can't stop thinking if i'm doing too much, or not enough, which makes me worry a lot and pushes people away. I always feel that no one will ever stay in my life so rather than waiting for that to happen i remain neutral, not invest emotions, or shutoff/push people away. Either way i end up sad.
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2018
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am in the same boat as you...anyone who is even a bit close to me is always too busy for me or has other plans etc.. You'd think with 6-7 billion people in the world that we'd find someone that cares enough to want to get to know you better. I suck at relationships of any form. I know how you feel :( and sorry you feel this way.
  15. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    i don't even know what i'm doing wrong.. it's not like i go out of my way to intentionally be mean to myself.. or to other people.. in good days that i rarely have.. i do try to think that everything is not my fault.. but then if you're presented with a lot of proof that it's your fault.. should i think of anything otherwise..
  16. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    it's good that you let her know.. it's a nice feeling to be acknowledged.. to feel wanted and special.. too bad no one does that to me anymore..

    that's really great news.. as they say better late than never.. besides it doesn't matter what age you graduated what matters is that you did.. and you're right about not being to change the past.. but then we can definitely do something to make our future better.. that's a good way of thinking.. with that i know you'll succeed one day.. you deserve it.. good luck to both of us..
    Paisley likes this.
  17. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    cherophobia.. i'm not sure if that's what i have.. i'm just a bit wary of being happy.. because previous events proved that happiness is followed by sadness.. it's like being classically conditioned into it.. it happened several times that it's sort of a routine now..

    people are just really difficult to understand.. they don't like it when you distance yourself.. but if you're clingy they also don't like it.. and when you feel like you're doing ok.. things happen to mess it up.. nothing's going right.. all the time..
    SBV24 likes this.
  18. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member

    why do they always do that though.. make us expect that they'll be around.. even tell us they won't leave us.. that they'll be there when we need them.. and then they just disappear.. i'm like you.. i'm not good at relationships too.. i realized that forever doesn't necessarily mean a long time.. it's more like for the time being.. it's an abstract concept of time.. i sound so bitter right now.. but i can't help it.. hope things get better for both of us..
    SBV24 and Petal like this.
  19. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Honestly wish I had the answer to that question, I brought this up with my therapist and he said a lot of people with mental health or communication issues have issues dealing and coping with new friendships so a support group in real life would be a good move to make as you will find a lot of people that feel the same way there, but as for what you are asking..i don't have the answer, just wish people didn't get bored of me so quickly. It's exhausting. Feel like an alien but it is what it is and i'm going to try to reach out to support groups, maybe you should try the same? You could meet a lot of like minded people there that know exactly what you mean.

    I hope things improve for you and bear in mind SF will always be here for you.
  20. neko-chan

    neko-chan Well-Known Member


    i'm not sure if there are support groups here.. to be honest.. i don't even know where to find a therapist in this country.. i'm pretty sure there's almost none here.. and if there is one.. it'll likely be expensive.. anyway.. i have this forum..