Happiness Constant as a rainbow.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, May 9, 2011.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    I saw a rainbow today, a beautiful one, and it wanted to cry, for the end landed (from my angle) on my horse's rump. When i am with her i feel so happy, shes my best friend, my favorite secret keeper, my craziest playbuddy, and my most empathetic counsiler. Shes everything to me, and when i am with her i feel like i want to melt of happiness. But i only get to see her once a week. Now im back home, to face another week of torture, the reason to endure? to see her again. Why is my happiness as constant as the rainbow, ending in my own personal pot of gold? why cant i find that happiness, that joy somewhere else when i cannot be with her? i cannot see her any more often, im already pusing it hard to see her once a week. i feel so lost, and i dont understand why i lose the happiness as soon as i leave her behind, shes my angle, and she has every ounce of happiness that has come to me. i dont know how to find any other joy, and its to the point where in the middle of the week, or late at night i just want to end it all, for there is not a reason to go on, when i cannot see to the end of the week. i wish i could find a more constant, i need a more constant, though my lovely dancer is my shining starts, i need a sun or moon to get help from, when the stars are covered in clouds :blub:
     
  2. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    Today i ran hard. I was mad at myself for how bad i did in my race yesterday, so i ran like hell in my race today. How come there is no satisfaction in it? i placed 4th and 5th in my league :( why can i find the happiness i used to in everything :blub:
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    No matter how troubled I feel, there are things that still make me smile...a child's laughter, someone not slamming the door on me (I live in NYCity), etc. I think it is good to collect these things, like an emergency kit, so you always know you can go back to them...and your 'words' I hope still make you happy, if not that, contented...J
     
  4. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    i cant seem to find that today. i saw my horse. i didnt even fell a spark of hapiness. there is nothing with color left for me, its all a dull gray. maybe its time to try again to leave. im losing everything, friends, mind, heart, and everything that makes me happy, and happiness itsself.
     
  5. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    i found it again today. my cat, she came to me, and sat on my lap. for no reason but that i felt overwhelming joy and love for my dear kitten. i cannot even feel a slight spear of happiness from that moment now, its gone. lost like the wind. again, no place for me to look.
     
  6. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I am convinced that you will find happiness Thorn. It may take time and effort, but you will find it. Just give yourself the chance.
     
  7. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    ive tried, ive waited, light, there is nothing left to try to, and wait until. unless its my death, i see no reason for any of those stated.
     
  8. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you are in such a rough place Thorn. I wish I could help further. But I can't do much but offer my support to you and your angel.
     
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Happiness in small things is a way of life for me. So maybe I've redefined what happiness is (for me). It's not a constant state, it's more being able to live in those special moments and then retrieve the memories as Sadeyes suggests.

    I hope you felt better soon. :hug:
     
  10. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    maybe if i could manage to relive those moments, but at the moment it doesnt seem to a point to even live a moment, let alone try to relive.